What have I learned?

For my 100th post, I decided to sit down and think about what I have learned since I started this blog two years ago. And this is what it boils down to: Life goes on one way or another. There will always be good and there will always be bad. Jumping to conclusions won't make it any better. Rushing things will only frustrate you more. You don't have to have the answer right now so just take a deep breath, look around and take in everything around you, and thank God that you have that.

I say this from experience and with all the love in the world. We are all trying to figure things out. Maybe it is the answer to an exam question. Or what to do over break. Maybe we are trying to figure out how to make the next mortgage payment or keep the electricity on. Some of us might have feelings for someone and not know how to say it. Others might be trying to tell someone that they don’t have feelings anymore. Some are asking how to pack for a two week trip in carry on luggage. Some are wondering how they are going to get through Ords.

We are all in discernment of some kind. Personally? I am trying to discern my call to ministry. I am trying to figure out how best to approach certain people about a variety of things, both good and bad, and all can lead to excitement and relief or a night of tears. I am trying to figure out scholarships. There is too much to keep listing here. However, I have learned that nothing is made better when I assume I know what was meant by the lack of text messages or the wording of the last one, stressing about a paper already turned in, thinking that I can’t do something because someone doesn’t approve… all of that only brings me down. The responses that I have when I jump to all of the assumptions and conclusions might not be best for me. I may end up hurting someone. I need to just wait for the appropriate time, even if that time is months from now. Not necessarily a fun thing when I have already been holding it in for five months.

But you know what? When I look around I see how far I have come. Three years ago, I was completely focused on music and teaching. Two years ago, I had a stack of seminary applications on my coffee table as I debated throwing them in the trash every night and asked Santa if he could help me out with that for Christmas. One year ago, it was scholarship applications and I asked Santa for some money for school. Now, I am here and Santa asked me if I was enjoying it. It has been a long road. There has been a lot of waiting. There were times that I wasn’t sure if I could do it, but the waiting paid off. Now, I look around me and see all of the incredible ways the work paid off- the sunsets I mentioned a few posts ago, the studies, the experiences, and the most incredible friends in the world. So I told Santa that I was loving every second of it.

So yes, I may not know the words to tell my best friend. I may not know exactly what to write on this new stack of papers about my call. I don’t know how those exams are going to turn out. I only pretend to know how to pack for two weeks in Ghana in my carry on luggage. But I do know that this Christmas I have so much more than I could ever ask Santa for.

Santa didn’t just make things happen for me. He asked me what I needed to do to achieve it and if I was doing that (I miss the days as a kid when he didn’t ask such weighty questions!), just like God doesn’t hand things to you but instead gives you the tools you need and promises to stand by you. So as we finally relax and begin to enjoy Christmas and begin to think about the new year, remember to look around and be thankful for all you have been given already and don’t worry so much about the rest. It will all come in time in the way that GOD intends.

I want to leave y’all with two quotes tonight. The first is on a poster hanging in our basement at home… “Lord, grant me patience… but please hurry!”. And from my Grandmother… “God answers all prayers. Sometimes he says yes. Sometimes he says no. And sometimes he says you’ve got to be kidding!”

Merry Christmas, y’all!!

(And yes… I really did have those conversations with Santa. Funny how serious he gets with you when he knows you and your parents!)

Worship

Every few weeks I write an update for my church's newsletter. Rather than pushing myself to write something else right now I figured I'd share last month's update... enjoy.

So, rather than giving you a play by play of the semester, I wanted to tell y’all about one of the most influential parts of my experience here at UPSem- worship.

This may sound slightly cliché as this is a Seminary, so worship is to be expected. However, I never expected and have never experienced worship like what occurs here on a daily basis. Every class is opened in prayer, most close with a benediction, and the discussions and lectures that happen between are a whole new kind of worship that I would never expect in a classroom. Beyond that, we are blessed enough to have two additional worship services each week.

Every Wednesday, the UPSem community gathers together in one of our two chapels (the more traditional Watts Chapel, and the more contemporary Lake Chapel) for the main worship service of the week. This service follows the same form as what you might experience each Sunday with hymns, choir anthems, liturgy, a sermon, communion… straight out of the Book of Common Worship. The incredible thing about this is the student participation in all aspects, as well as the changing “theme” as we reach out to all in the community. Just last week we had a Korean service in honor of the Korean elders that were meeting on campus, and the week before we had a technology based service where we tweeted our confessions. It truly is an incredible experience.

On Thursday, we gather together in one of the two chapels for a brief service of music and prayer. These are led by students in the community each week and serve as a nice “re-focusing” point as we get closer to the weekend. I was lucky enough to be able to lead an Iona service a few weeks ago, the first worship service that I have ever led. It was a wonderful gift to be able to look back on my trip to Iona in 2010 and use it in my ministry now.

All of this being said, I have realize now more than ever just how important worship is to our life. In college, I attended church every Sunday and occasionally a bible study during the week. During the rest of the week, it was all too easy to push continuous worship to the back of my mind. Now, everything I do is centered around worshiping God and it has changed my tremendously. I can only pray that each and every one of you will one day experience the power of continuous worship. There are times that I do get distracted, but I am blessed to be in a community that won’t let you stay distracted for long. Even sitting here at my desk, I can’t help but worship God as I look out the window at the rest of campus.

Chasing Sunsets

All my life, I have always been looking for the perfect sunrise/ sunset. There is something absolutely incredible about seeing all those colors in the sky at once. No matter what has been going on that day, what is stressing you out at the moment, or what you really should be doing instead… it can all be wiped away for just a few minutes. I don’t know when my obsession started, but I do remember being upset when I missed a good one or if I did see a good sunset, I would call anyone I could and tell them to go look. The only sad thing was that I saw them maybe once a month if I was really lucky.

Ever since I got to Union, the only reason I have missed a sunset was if I was in a meeting when it happened. Every night, I can turn my chair around to glance at the tv and always end up staring out my window watching the colors appear and then slowly disappear right behind the tower on Early Center. This scene is especially beautiful now that the leaves are off the trees and I have a better view. A lot of times, I will grab my camera and run downstairs to “chase the sunset” and get pictures. The mix of the trees, gorgeous buildings, and gorgeous sunset makes for an incredible picture.

To top off my daily sunsets, now that the leaves are gone, the sun comes into my window a little more than usual every morning. Most of the time I let a few curse words slip and groan and pull the shades just before rolling over with a pillow over my head until my alarm will no longer snooze because I hit it too many times. However, the other day, I was reaching for the blinds when I actually looked out the window instead of complaining. Just behind the trees and library, I saw the most incredible sunrise. Usually I only see the sun rise when I am up way too early and driving to Wilson to be with my sister, so this was a special treat. I wanted to grab my camera but it looked too cold to run outside in my pj’s, so I just laid there and enjoyed it for a few minutes before hopping out of bed 20 minutes before my alarm went off for the first time.

Right now, I am finishing up 12 long weeks of classes. I have over 100 pages to read by Friday, another 100 by next Tuesday, an exam due next Tuesday, and another due next Friday. I have to get new presents to replace some that were messed up. There is packing, cleaning, babysitting, teaching… basically too much for two weeks. Tomorrow I will be a reader in chapel for the first time here, and I am only mildly freaking out about helping with the service at St. Paul’s (the church where I grew up) over break. But even with all of this going on, those few minutes each evening when I can sit and stare out my window, thanking God for such an incredible gift, serve as a reminder of why I am here.

Yes, I am incredibly busy. If you ask anyone on campus if they have a free minute they might break down in tears. But we are all here for a reason. I am called to do something kinda insane with my life, but incredible. I am blessed beyond belief to have the opportunity to follow through with it in such an incredible place, where I get those sunsets I have been chasing all my life, every night.

I find it funny that when I was home everyone’s comment was about how good I looked. I will be the first to say that I am looking the way that I did when I started here. I gained back some of the weight that I lost. I have a few more gray hairs (really). I am constantly tired. But my mom reminded me of the more important thing… I am truly happy.

I blame the sunsets.

I think I got it...

Something I have really been wrestling with and discerning is my call to ministry, especially since it changed. I don't know what it was that hit me over the head tonight, but I think I might need some ice to make the swelling go away. I am so incredibly tired of planning everything out based off of what I think each person needs. I am tired of trying to make sure that everyone is happy and comfy, because quite frankly, religion and faith aint so comfy. I am not called to build up a huge congregation with 50 programs a week and a butt in every empty spot on Sunday morning. I am called to reach out and work beside other Christians in the development of their faith and love of God. I think the biggest problem facing today's church is that we are all so focused and bringing more people in and keeping the church from dieing, that we ignore the people that are already there. We create new programs to get the college students, but deny our older generations. We bring in Alpha and Disciple studies to reach out to the adults in the surrounding community, and forget that we have young children. What looks more appealing to a visitor anyway? A long list of programs led by half-hearted leaders who aren't sure they even believe what they are teaching or a group of strong, faithful people that know, live, and share Christ's love?

Something stands out to me about a conversation I had with an older lady as I filled out her monogramming order one day at work. We were talking about church (exactly what always happened when my customers found out I was going seminary- long lists of involvement, or why they weren't involved, and stories, and complaints...) and what I felt called to (at the time, family and youth). She said that she loved that I had such a passion for ministry and youth, but to please not forget the old ladies of the church. Her concern was genuine, and came from the fact that everyone was always so worried about their (already enormous) youth and young adult program, that the old ladies had been pushed to the side and were fending for themselves. The minister had assumed that they knew everything they needed to know and didn't need formal study and had moved all time and budget down a few generations. I hate that I passed this off when she said it, taking it as just another complaint about church and "they just don't understand", but it keeps coming back and hitting me between the eyes.

So, yes, I am still called to family ministry as I continue to think about it. I am called to minister to the family that is the body of Christ. Old, new, fat, skinny, rich, poor, retired, students, black, white, homosexual, heterosexual, Presbyterian, Baptist, Agnostic, Atheist. I am called to help light the fire in each person, because the surveys and plans and cheap come-ons mean nothing if there is no heart or faith behind it.

This weekend I helped a friend with a lock-in at a very small country church. Rather than leaving as soon as Sunday School started, we stayed for worship... something I dreaded beforehand knowing how tired I was, but really appreciated after. There is something I have noticed about these small churches out in the middle of nowhere (I have been to a few since I got here)... they are the ones that those of us in big cities with big churches would say were dieing. One building, tiny sanctuary that isn't filled, and you can count the youth on two hands most of the time. But they are also the most alive out of any church I have been to in the last few months. I have visited huge churches downtown, medium size neighborhood churches, dieing churches in the historic areas, and these tiny country churches. I have seen long lists of things they do throughout the week, I have watched two and three preachers rotate through the pulpit in one service. I have heard incredible organs and huge choirs, and I have heard out of tune pianos with even worse choirs. Where did I feel the most love, community, and most importantly, faith? The tiny, one pulpit, one preacher, out of tune piano and choir churches.

I had to laugh at myself this summer when I got of the car in a gravel parking lot and walked into a sanctuary where the most dressed up someone was, was a polo and jeans. What was I wearing? My black heels, black pencil skirt, purple knit top, hair neatly pulled back, and perfect makeup. The people in these churches know what is important- community and faith. I went to impress, thinking that my skirt and heels would win them over and they would be begging me to come back and eventually intern... they never once looked at that though. They looked me in the eye and heart, and welcomed me with more love than I have yet to receive at all of the other churches combined.

Now, this isn't me bashing big city churches because that is really where I have ended up. I just think that we can all learn something from these tiny churches who have put the focus on growing in faith and love and then building out through that faith and love, rather than building out so they can build in. I want to focus on the building in.

It has become all to apparent to me lately that I don't know my Bible content. I don't know polity. I really don't know much at all about this whole church thing. As embarrassed as I am about this, I have to say it to make a point- on Sunday, we were studying James in Sunday School. When I couldn't find it, I handed it to my friend saying I hadn't taken Old Testament yet so he could find it (jokingly)... he then turned to the back of the New Testament. I am in seminary and didn't know where James was. James... the brother of Jesus. Why? Because when I was growing up and at the age when I would actually retain what we were learning, the focus seemed to be on doing all the fun stuff... games, outings, retreats, lock-ins... anything and everything but really digging down deep and studying the Bible and what it meant to our faith. When I was really getting into that, the youth group fell apart after and we left the church. At my new church, the focus was using us to get more kids there and grow... not on building our faith and knowledge. So yes, I am 23 years old, in seminary, and don't know where to find certain books in the Bible. Crazy thing? There are probably 60 year olds out there that can't do it either.

SO... yes, I am called to family ministry in the sense that I am called to and plan to serve and minister to and grow with the entire church body. I am called to help all ages and all people study and learn of God's love for each and every one of us. Why should the minister be the only one in the church who can pass a Bible Content exam? Why should a minister be the only one to recognize their call? Why should they be the only one that can tell people of the marvelous things God is doing in their life? We are all ministers and called to do God's work in a multitude of ways. It is my call to help others learn, grow, and discern that call through God's grace, will, and love. That might be with youth for a while, or as a missionary, or in the pulpit, or out on the streets, or in a hospital, or college... who knows. All I know is I am called to serve and minister to ALL people with, through, and in God's love and grace.

Quick procrastination update

I am reaching the end of my procrastination time very quickly and figured I would once again try to write something about what has been going on since it has been so long. Things have really picked up here and I feel like I have been holding on for dear life, however I finally got a chance to breathe this weekend.

I have now survived my first two midterms (other than Greek), my first exegesis paper, and started my pastoral care visits. A few weeks ago I led my first worship service (Iona themed, working with two other incredible people), did my first ministry interview (for Montreat supervised ministry, unfortunately I didn’t get it but I am cool with that), and have now applied to be part of the Ghana travel seminar in January (should hear in the next day or so). I am more sure about this call than I have ever been, and am very sure that I am called to Parish Ministry rather than Family like I had previously written about.

With everything going on with school and discernment, I also find it interesting how my view is slowly changing about what to do when I get out of here as far as parish ministry as I find myself finding other avenues to make Scotland happen again, but not necessarily going to live there for 3-5 years but rather studying in Edinburgh for a year. This is not at all close to being a decision, but rather a new avenue that I didn’t previously know about. However, if the opportunity were to come up and I was called to Scotland, I wouldn’t think twice about saying yes.

It’s funny how your views change once you are able to see things from a new angle. I knew this would happen, but I didn’t think it would be this quick or this extreme. This has already been such an incredible experience and I can’t wait to see what else happens. I now fully understand why I have to do a year of inquiry and why it is while I am in school. If I had my way this summer, I would have been able to say “well, I have been thinking about it for a few years and I am sure” but they were smart enough to make me do this and I couldn’t be more thankful. I have started my candidacy paperwork (in the sense that I downloaded it, looked at it, and freaked out), and see why my friends said to start now so I can get it to them by next summer. There is still a whole lot that I need to be thinking about and talking to others about. I am just glad that I seem to have a grasp on what is actually going on now (since no one really ever told me what to expect with any of this before I got here… except for Greek).

So, there is the quick update on my life here in seminary. My personal life is going well. Unfortunately I had to drop the brass group for a few months because I was over committed and quite frankly when that happens you drop the one that doesn’t pay lol. I have a great babysitting job. Teaching trumpet lessons to beginners (my all-time favorite age for lessons) at a local music store. Loving my friends more and more every day.

Yea, life is pretty good.

Flashback

Tonight was like a flashback for me, and I loved it. I haven missed the excitement of pulling out my concert blacks, picking out just the right jewelry (nothing flashy, but it has to make the black look good... after all this is the rare occasion that the guys get to see me like this and I only get a small amount of enjoyment out of it), and just really glitzing it all up. The stress of going through music before you leave, once you get in the car, and then one more time before you leave the car and head to the hall, all just to make sure you didn’t lose something along the way. Sitting on stage and warming up while continually glancing out in the audience to see who is there, in general, but especially for you. Oh yea… and actually playing the concert! It’s been a year and half since I did that and I was sure that the last time I did, was really the last time. I am so glad it wasn’t.

Playing with RBC has been such a great thing for me since it is really the only playing I do now. It isn’t quite the level that I am used to after playing with the UNCG Wind Ensemble, but for what I am doing now, I’ll take it. Plus, very few things are as much fun as hanging out with a bunch of band directors and hearing their stories… the things that I used to dream about and kinda miss, but am glad I have left behind.

Even better is that my friends here seem to appreciate it and some even came out for the concert tonight. In undergrad, you expected your friends to be there. It was required more or less. Here, it isn’t required. Very few people seem to really pay attention to things like that. Not to mention this has been an insane week for all of us with exams and exegesis. But, nevertheless, a handful of them still came out into downtown Richmond where there is no parking, and sat through the entire thing for me. It feels really good knowing that they don’t mind taking a few hours out of their day to go support me. And really, that goes for all of us in all situations.

With all of the excitement though, I couldn’t help but note that as much as I loved being up there again, it wasn’t me anymore. That isn’t my life. I don’t sit in the hall recording for hours on end, very few rehearsals, even less practicing. Now, it is sitting in my room with commentaries, dictionaries, translations, and syllabi scattered all around me as I work on quizzes and exegetical papers. It’s no longer V6 chords, it’s Greek participles. I’m not writing about William Byrd’s anthems, I am writing about the trinitarian controversy. And it couldn’t be more right.

Tonight was only the third time in all of my playing history that my parents were not at my concert. When you total them up to more than 100, that says something. It hurt a little, but seeing my friends out there and having them serve as a reminder of my new life meant so much. I’m looking forward to the next time I can pull out the concert blacks and simple but elegant jewelry, making sure it matches the trumpet, so that I can go and not so elegantly blare on the low notes. But for now, I am going to enjoy and focus on the exegesis and trinity…

Find me somebody to love

In New Testament today, we were discussing the importance of the relationship between “Historical Jesus” (the guy that we study in seminary) and “Christ of Faith” (the guy we all know and love from church). The best way I could sum up my feelings about the relationship was by comparing them to a friendship- You can be best friends with someone that you have known only a few months and it is great, and they truly are your best friend. However, that friendship is so much more exciting as you start to learn about where they came from and why they are the way they are. We were joking earlier this year that we couldn’t wait to meet one of the guy’s wife because we would get some fun insight into who he really is… and I think that is why you can have the two views of Jesus separate, but they are so much better together.

In talking about this, I started to think about my own friendships. Looking at the two extremities, I have a friend who I have known basically all my life (since 3rd grade) and we have been best friends ever since. I swear we know every last detail about each other, and those we don’t know are that way because we live in two separate states now and that will be remedied when we talk again. On the flip side, I have my friends here (I’ll think about in particular for this). We met back in July before summer language, and by the end of the first night all we knew about each other was that we were both from North Carolina and 1 year apart in age. By the end of the week we were pretty good friends, but I wouldn’t say best friends. By the time we were back for Fall semester, we were best friends. I could tell them anything, and they could tell me anything… and we did. Now, having known each other for only 3 months, we don’t know each others history. We know bits and pieces, but as those bits and pieces come up, it makes our friendship stronger and I have that much more blackmail :) But seriously… that is what I look forward to every day with all of my friends here, finding out where they come from and why they are the way they are.

One of those fun parts of learning about people is finding their quirks. Those things that can either be really annoying, or really fun. I think this is my favorite part of learning about people because the quirks are what make them unique. Even better? When you have known someone for a while, and notice the new quirks that weren’t there before. For me, I just want to get to know them all over again and enjoy the differences, laughing all the way because I know the secrets that others might not know if they were to meet them today.

So here is my challenge… go out and talk to a friend, best friend, or acquaintance. Find out some of their history (not all, that would take way too long and there would be nothing to look forward to!), notice their quirks, and love them that much more :)

My dad asked me this weekend, “You say you love all these people with all of your heart… what is going to happen when you get married? What will be left for your husband?” Before I could respond, my mom answered for me, telling him that your heart can continue to grow to include anyone and everyone that you love. So now, you have no excuse not to go find someone new to love every single day!

A new frame of mind

If I were only cautious of one thing in my life, it would be making decisions and acting on them. In the past I have mentioned my fear of letting others down, and I think that plays a big part in it. However, I think an even bigger part that I tend to ignore is that I don’t want to let myself down or end up hurt. Because of this, I have never taken a decision lightly. When I do end up making big decisions, I keep them to myself for a while just to make sure that it fits. Once I am a bit more comfortable, I will let someone else in, but I am very particular about who that someone is. Eventually, the decision is made public and I let go and enjoy. This has been the case with relationships, school, seminary… everything.

Well, I got thinking recently and started evaluating some decisions I have made since I got here. I wouldn’t say that any of them are bad, but I think some could use a bit of revision. I think this was mainly brought on by my recent discernment about my call (almost ready to write about that), but also actions of those around me. Well, I hit overload between school, extras, and all this thinking, and had to escape the source so I went back to Raleigh.

Funny how you can escape the location, but never the thoughts. When I left, I had a few goals- 1) Relax and enjoy myself, 2) Don’t think about my problems, but rather think about the blessings in my life, 3) Don’t talk to a few certain people.

I think the only thing that actually happened was that I relaxed and enjoyed myself. I was able to visit my sister in Wilson and we took my two beautiful nieces to the park (first time I have been able to really play with them to this extent since they are still very young), visit my grandparents, see my cousin and his wife for a short while, hear my sister’s a capella group, and enjoy some time with all of my siblings. Couldn’t ask for more!

The other two goals? Well the third was cancelled out before I finished packing. Now, let me clarify that one- I didn’t not want to talk to people because of problems or just not liking them, it was more rooted in the fact that I needed to get a clear perspective on some situations that they were part of. If I stayed in constant contact with them, I would still be in my own fantasy world. Even though I did slip up a few times, I think I still came to a solution. Every time I tried to text/call/tweet/facebook (it is insane how many ways we can contact someone now…) them, I found someone else to text/call/tweet/facebook. This led to the realization that I have been trying to confirm for a while which led me to think about MORE stuff (go figure)…

When I came here this summer, I was so excited about EVERYTHING. Nothing could go wrong in my world. Now, I believe that was 95% true. The other 5% is that bit that my dad likes to “make fun of” sometimes- I am so positive that I will tune out anything that isn’t to my liking. Well, I don’t know what that was, but I do know that through my excitement I got really focused on a few things. Now that we are in the fall semester and taking our first exams, I figured it was time to sit down and look at the reality of things to see what was really how I felt and what was from the excitement.

I love my excitement and what it does to me. I love that I took the time to follow through on a few things because of excitement, and I love that I held off on one or two things because I was worried that excitement might get the best of everyone involved and it wouldn’t be genuine. The best part? Now that I know who I am in this incredible community, kinda know what I am doing, and have my incredible groups of friends and traditions already in place, I wasn’t so scared to look at things from my new “grown-up” view point. I’m no longer trying to be included in everything, no longer trying to include everyone else in everything, I know what people think about things and feel comfortable enough to go against that sometimes… basically, I know that I am free to be and am doing it.

A question on my New Testament exam asks a question that is basically, what is the most important thing you have learned in these 4 weeks? Even with everything I have learned in my classes, I think the most important thing I have learned is that is not only time, but it is ok, to relax and be myself. That is a somewhat different self than 6 months ago, and I love that.

Maybe this will lead to some changes in my life… maybe not. All I know, is that now that I am relaxed, refreshed, and in a new frame of mind, I feel like I can take on the world and anything it throws at me. I feel more sure about my call than I ever have, and I know that there is no where else in the world that I would rather be… even Scotland. Everything has a time and place, and for me, this is it. Right here, right now… I belong at UPSem amongst an incredible group of people that I have grown to love so much, studying and learning things that I would never think possible for me, continuing past dreams in new ways, and creating new dreams with new people.

The next step? Get up the courage to follow through with a few things! (That is my other problem with this…)

My Struggle in Ministry

First, I am not posting this for sympathy, answers, or asking people to come listen to my problems- I think it is more than enough if you even read this. I just got thinking today about where my struggles are so that I can work on them. I am more than excited about exegeting in New Testament. Something is really exciting about learning about early Christianity. Spiritual formation is exactly what I need and more than a little exciting as I learn new ways to pray. Pastoral care on the other hand, scares the you-know-what out of me, making it less than exciting. I don’t expect this to be solved today, tomorrow, or even this semester. This is something that I will struggle with for a while. Maybe into my first call if not longer. However, I think the first step, just like in any 12-step program, is recognizing my problem. Honestly, I would be more worried if I couldn’t find one. Anyway, here goes…

Today in Pastoral Care, we got talking about key things to remember when you are working with people and their problems. Most of the stuff I have heard a thousand times already, some stuff was knew and really interesting. One thing stuck out though, and it has every time I have heard it, and funny enough is something that all of my supervisors in the past have tried to remind me of- one of the most important things when helping others, is making sure you help yourself. This should be easy, right?

Well, for me this is one of the hardest things to do. One of my biggest blessings and curses is that nothing hurts me more than knowing I am letting someone down or didn’t help them to the best of my ability. I was joking with a friend the other day about how I will set up all of my friends and make sure they are all in happy relationships before I set myself up, only I don’t know that I was joking. Actually, I know I wasn’t. That is just how I am. My dad gets on me about being the “mother hen” out of the three daughters, and he is very right. I get so concerned that everyone else is taken care of, has everything they need, is comfortable, gets it… and even though it all comes from the heart, it isn’t necessarily a good thing. Other than the fact that my sisters always want to kill me (and I’m sure my friends do sometimes), I never take care of my own needs or get comfy.

I’m currently caught in a trap with this. I won’t go into detail because honestly, it doesn’t matter that much. However, here is the gist- someone came to me with a problem, oddly enough one very similar to one of my own. Of course I sat down with them and tried to help them work it out. I have struggled with this person as they work it out, putting myself in the situation the way it was recommended by Charlie Brown (yes, my Pastoral Care prof is Charlie Brown… we also have Sam Adams teaching OT). It has worn on me, and honestly, at least twice as much as on them as I have had to push my similar problem to the back burner where it has consequently boiled over and made a huge mess (like when rice boils over… no fun). It doesn’t help that I have been called numerous things for approaching it this way, none of which are appropriate to repeat here (who knew it was such a bad thing to help someone?). So when, and how, do I cut this off and take care of my gooey, nasty, rice mess? Cause goodness knows, it only gets worse the longer you leave it!

Of all of the things in ministry, I think Pastoral Care is what I am going to struggle the most with. Not because I can’t talk to or listen to people… I do it all the time. I have for years. My past residents used to tell me that I listened as well as I wrote them up for stupidity (which was quite often and quite thorough). The struggle for me comes with putting them on the back burner every now and then while I take care of myself. I run myself ragged and when I finally have time for me, all I can do is roll over and go to sleep. I think something else that comes into play is that I am scared to handle my own problems. If I have problems, I am no longer in control. Why do I like playing trumpet? Because theoretically, I am in complete control. Letting go and trusting someone to help me gives up even more control. I am not looking at my own problems from an outside perspective so I can’t really “predict” what will happen based on my actions- I only know what I want to happen. And even worse than loss of control, what if I take care of myself, but it hurts or disappoints someone in the process?

So, I guess this is my focal point for a while… I always love a new challenge :) And of course, that is another problem to work on… I can’t say no very easily. Not starting on this one though!

Night y’all

Life Update

After skimming through the latest posts, I realized that I haven’t done much in the way of a weekly update (something that I have “promised” people back home). So, let’s get down to business!

I have no completed my first week of the fall semester. I have a decent course load that on paper looks on the verge of being heavy, but I think it will work out very nicely- New Testament, History of Christianity, Pastoral Care, Spiritual Formation, and Choir. All classes are going really well so far, however there is a ton of reading. Some reading is “optional” but it is that “optional” where if you don’t read, you don’t know what is going on in class, while other reading is required to the point that you somehow have to figure out information that isn’t even included. All this being said, I love the reading which is definitely a first for me. I have never actually enjoyed any reading for any class, but “relaxing” for me is actually sitting down to read this stuff. Did you know that Christians were considered Atheists at the beginning???

I am still playing with Richmond Brass Consort on the side and have picked up a few gigs here and there. I actually played for the 200th convocation for UPSem this weekend. Something about being thanked by name by Brian Blount (the President) by name at the beginning of the service… kinda builds the ego! I have also joined the UPSem A Capella group (this is where I remind you that I have not done choir of any sort since 4th grade and typically avoid any singing situation…) and am really enjoying that so far. I definitely won’t take that to the point my younger sister has, which is probably why she isn’t phased by the fact that I’m doing it- she knows I will never go beyond my jah bah dah stuff!

Finally, a while back I mentioned the possibility of jobs. Well, I have managed to pick up a few miscellaneous jobs but nothing too big. In addition to my occasional trumpet gigs, I am a fill-in babysitter, substitute alto in the church choir down the street (again… why am I singing so much now??), and a student photographer for UPSem events. It has really worked out because each one pays decently when I do them, but none are really involved and leave lots of room for my studies. It helps that I am not in desperate need of a job thanks to my ridiculous amount of scholarship applications that I did this past spring, but it is really nice to have extra pocket money and some to tuck away for the future and to pay off loans (ugg).

So, for now that is about it. Nothing terribly exciting going on, but then again it all feels so normal now. I am really loving it here and am 100% sure that this is where I am supposed to be and that everything I did to prepare for coming here, no matter how hard or easy, was exactly right. I have incredible friends that I can lean on and they lean on me. The professors are absolutely amazing (I have never hung on every word of a lecture the way I do in New Testament). Every morning that I wake up to go to class, I get that warm fuzzy feeling that you get when something perfect happens. There have been some hard times along the way including a few of the typical disappointments that belong in a 23 year old girl’s life- the tough quiz, occasional loneliness and missing my kitten, the crushed crush, the boredom that comes on a Saturday afternoon with antenna TV showing only football… but as I said on a facebook status earlier today,

“Repeating something in hopes that it actually becomes true may not really work, but nothing can stop a smile from really making you happy :) It also helps when you have a million and one things to smile about all the time!”

I truly do have a million and one things to smile about, and I am sure tomorrow will present another. Thanks to everyone for your continued thoughts, prayers, and support. I am continually overwhelmed with your graciousness and want you all to know that I could never do it without you! This is only the beginning, and I hope that you will all continue to join me until the end…

An interesting attempt at Exegesis...

In New Testament this week, we have been talking about Matthew 14: 22-33. This is the part of scripture that talks about the disciples being sent out to sea by Jesus, having a really rough night due to the storm, and then Jesus coming and by Peter’s request, commanding Peter to walk on water. Peter begins to walk on water, but sinks when he looks around and notices the strong winds. Jesus immediately reaches out to him, grabs him, and takes him back to the boat asking why he doubted. At this point, all the people on the boat take notice and recognize Jesus as the Son of God.

Today in section, we began talking about exegesis which is basically when you really break it all down at different levels and see what is really being said. One of the things you are supposed to look at when you initially read the scripture is who do you identify with? Well, I am now about to close out my first week of actual classes of seminary, I have previously mentioned that I feel that my call has changed (or rather my understanding of my call has changed), and the whole personal life is just a bit insane with all of the changes of adding in new people and new dynamics with both new and old. I look at everything that has gone on the last few weeks and today and I feel like I identify with different characters in the story, at different levels.

First, Jesus dismisses the disciples in a kind of no questions asked way. He has just fed thousands of people and is tired. What seminarian ISN’T tired at the end of the day??? We exegete, read, write, study, pray, and at UPSEM, we play Frisbee or football all day. I completely understand the whole wanting peace and quiet so that he can gather his thoughts and get ready for the next day. Actually, that is what I am doing right now… Everyone is upstairs and I realized it was time that I pull away and have some much needed me time… at least for a few minutes (so of course the first thing I did was sit down and pull of Word so that I could write a blog….).

Then there is Peter, the one is probably really ticked off with Jesus and doesn’t have much patience for him (just my guess). I mean, here Jesus has sent them away for one of, if not the first time that he is seperate from the disciples, and he doesn’t just send them away… he sends them into a ridiculous storm in the middle of the night. Then, once fourth watch (or morning) comes around, here he comes walking across the water (he couldn’t be human and swim? Really???) and Peter thinks “hey, you really did us in last night, let’s see that you are who you say you are”. The interesting thing here isn’t that Peter is “testing” Jesus by saying “IF you are JC”, but in the proper Greek translation, he says “SINCE you are JC”. So really, Peter knows exactly who he is, but really he is just tired and annoyed after spending all night fighting a storm, so he tells Jesus to command him to walk on water. Of course, he does, but when he looks around and sees the trials, he begins to sink. Yea. I know how you feel Peter. Here I am in a whole new situation, taking on a thousand new things and none of them are anything I really know how to do. Exegete? What? The closest thing I know is just speaking my mind (which it turns out is pretty close to what I am supposed to do… who knew??). Question everything I believe in? Reach out, waaaayyyy beyond my limits, taking on new tasks, new temptations, new trials and all encompassing at that… because, NEWSFLASH, seminary aint just about reading the Bible people. We have the same mess going on here that goes on at every school, so don’t think that we are any more well behaved or separated from all of it. What do you think I am escaping from right now?? I have taken on this call… one that terrified but excited me from the beginning. I came here, leaving a life behind but starting a new one. Now, I am in class, in new social situations, new jobs, new expectations and I won’t lie… I sink. I have tonight. I probably will in the next 24 hours. But here is the thing, the scripture says Jesus IMMEDIATELY reached his hand and grabbed Peter. Yes, Peter was terrified and thought that was probably the end, but Jesus still reached out and saved him. The funny thing about this is that I hadn’t even been down in my room for five minutes before I felt that hand reach out to me and pull me back above water, through a friend that honestly I didn’t expect, even as much as I love her.

Then there are the disciples, staying on the boat and watching. Honestly, I think they are probably waiting for it to get good so they can jump in. They recognize that they are scared and stay back for that reason. Is that bad? I don’t think so. I kinda think it is smart in a way. Who would want to take on something like walking on water… really?? Peter has lost his mind. I identify there as well, and it’s funny because I didn’t earlier. The whole wait it out, join in when it is safe… we all do it, and I really don’t think Jesus is hurt by it. Yes, he asks Peter (and I’m sure it was rhetorical for all disciples) why he doubted him. However, as we talked about today, we don’t know if he was angry, sympathetic, non-chalant… I tend to think that he was almost sympathetic and the “mother” type in this situation. Why did you doubt that he would take care of you? He loves you!! UNCONDITIONALLY!!!

So, here I sit, at my desk very tired, both emotionally and physically for a thousand different reasons. I have had my moments this week where I was ready to jump out and walk on water, I have also sunk, and I have also left everyone in need of a break for me. Is it bad? Absolutely not! I may even think that some of my reasoning is flawed and I shouldn’t feel the way I do about some things, but as my friend so kindly reminded me a few minutes ago, IT IS OK. When Jesus said, “Oh you of little faith, why do you doubt me?” I don’t think he was judging. I think he was reaching out a hand and reassuring Peter that even though he did doubt the one time, JC is still and will always be there. I can sit here upset and/ or excited about a thousand things right now, and I can’t help but look down at the ring I have mentioned before. “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” This goes so well with this scripture. Jesus wouldn’t have commanded Peter to walk on water if he didn’t KNOW that Peter could do it, and that if he failed, he himself (JC) could catch him. I wouldn’t have been sent here, to these thousand challenges, if I couldn’t lean on God when I needed to. I will come through this, and every other challenge. I will always recognize at the end that Jesus is the Son of God, even if I might have a few not-so-nice words to say to him along the way. I’m sure Peter didn’t just think “oh well” when he started to sink…

So, coming from someone who should 1) be studying or 2) be taking a break and enjoying time with friends rather than writing a blog, it is ok to take time away for yourself when you feel overwhelmed, it is ok to sink, and it is also ok to stay on the boat and wait it out. I have spent so much time doing all three lately, and no matter how things end, Jesus is always there to grab you IMMEDIATELY… and who knows, that might be when you realize you really do have a friend in someone you hoped for but didn’t expect.

2 months ago... or 2 years ago??

There is something very relaxing about sitting in my room with the windows open and not hearing anything but the bugs and birds… and the occasional race car warming up for the race (that or the people on Chamberlayne think they are in the race). Also, knowing that I have nothing to study, no one to be accountable to, and not even 48 hours left that this is the case forces me to relax a bit as well.

I was sitting in this same seat only two months ago, excited and nervous for Greek. The only thing that has changed in the way I feel is that I am at ease after surviving Greek, but still excited and nervous for everything else! I have seen only one of the four syllabi for this semester and I am already freaked out a bit. This is so much more than I expected, but it also isn’t. The work load is only a tiny bit more intense than what I am used to from undergrad, but that doesn’t match my much “lighter” looking schedule. This grad school thing is really messing with my mind!

Other things have changed in the last two months as well. I can definitely say that I myself have changed in a number of ways, and I am so happy I did! The dynamics of our group have changed some, but I wouldn’t say in a bad way. Even the way that I am discerning my call has changed… a whole lot more than I expected this soon. Once I can work it out some more I will definitely post about that, but all I can say is I have flipped to the other side of the coin.

I think I noticed most of the changes this week. New people moved in and we had orientation for all new students. The first is one that I have been looking forward to and dreading all summer. As I mentioned in a previous post, I love our family that has been built here and as excited as I was to meet new people, I was worried about what would happen to us. Well, thankfully all of the new students came in and either fell right in step with everything going on already or stayed back. I hate that some have stayed back, but that also seems to be mostly commuter students so I understand that it can be hard when we mostly hang out at night. Some dynamics did change slightly as there are more people to separate into smaller groups, but thankfully that has only been for the better!

Orientation was something that I still am not sure how relevant a lot of it was for those of us that have been here all summer, as we figured most of it out on our own already. I think the key that happened for me was worship following service day. I was asked to share a testimony about my experience that day, and thankfully I am not a huge NASCAR fan otherwise this might have been more nervewracking than it already was (worship was sponsored by Motor Racing Outreach and was attended by Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne, as well as drivers Blake Koche and Michael McDowell). So, this is basically what I said (I wrote it down first so that’s the only reason I have it…)-

“This afternoon our group went to Salvation Army Homeless Shelter to help organize and clean the dining hall and kitchen areas. Saying that this place was dirty is putting it lightly. Some of us organized the food pantry while others cleaned mildewed walls in the freezer. We also got to talk to some of the regular volunteers, one of which was particularly excited to have a group of Seminary students there and asked us questions ranging from “What does Presbyterian mean?” (I was very excited to be able to pull out my recently acquired Greek knowledge) to what should he do when someone is telling him that what he believes is wrong? Being a first year, I was very intimidated by the questions but also felt very reassured by the others as I tried my best to tell him my personal thoughts. Today was more than cleaning and organizing for me- I feel like I have a stronger relationship with returning students and feel a lot more confident in my call and presence here.”

Something about getting up in front of faculty, students, celebrities, one or two big wigs from PC(USA) and oh… Brian Blount, told me that I can do this. As I went up I joked that it was really scary (there was no podium or anything to really separate me and give me that feeling of protection), and it was. I made it through though, lots of people talked to me after and thanked me and told me that I did great… really everything you want to happen after something like that when it is your first time and you are the only first year to do it. I think that fear is what has held me back for so long from looking at the flip side of the coin, and now I am really liking it now. But like I said, more on that later when I really know what is going on.

So yea, two months ago I was starting Greek. First class in a year. Barely knew anyone. Was 98% confident in my call. Now, I am starting fall semester with four courses, know and love everyone, and am about 30% confident in what I am actually called to do. Is that bad? I really don’t think so! There is a reason that I am required to go through this process of Inquirer/ Candidate in order to be ordained, and it is working out exactly the way it is supposed to. I may not be 98% confident in what my call is, but I am more than 100% confident that it is right that I am here, that I AM called to ministry and as I learn more and gain more experience, that call will begin to be more clear once more.

2 months ago, I was a very different person. It feels like 2 years ago.

Where Were You?

One of my favorite songs, and one that I am sure is being played way too much this week is “Where Were You” by Alan Jackson. This song always makes me tear up, but has so much more meaning this week. Not only is this a great song, but it is also based a question that I have talked about a thousand times with a thousand different people, and look back on with so much prayer this week.

Where was I? I was an eighth grader enjoying a morning at home during track out. I wanted a trumpet lesson so I called my Grandfather to see if they could come pick my baby sister and myself up. Before I could ask Grandaddy, he told me to hold on, that a plane had just crashed into the twin towers. Like I said, I was in eighth grade so I really had no idea what that meant so he clarified that it was the WTC and right away I knew this wasn’t good. Noel was upset because I changed the channel from Disney to the News (for some reason I feel like we weren’t supposed to be watching TV anyway…). Every time a plane went overhead, I was terrified. I watched the second plane crash, standing there with my little sister. The rest of the day was spent with my Grandparents, Aunt, and cousins. I was furious because I wasn’t allowed to watch the coverage because according to my Aunt, I was too young and impressionable. Instead, we set up a black and white TV in the lesson room and watched cartoons- me, my 5th grade sister, 4 year old cousin, and I guess 1 year old cousin (maybe 2 years old). I never got my trumpet lesson.

I am probably in one of the younger groups that really remembers, and understood at the time what was happening. I don’t know that my sister understood, she definitely didn’t think it was important enough to take the place of Disney, but how could she know differently? You don’t really start talking about things like the WTC until Middle School. Part of me wishes I could have been at school that day. I never got to take part in the assemblies that I think would have meant so much. I didn’t get to be with my friends who needed support and would have supported me. I was young, but I new that this was a terrible thing and I remember saying right away “it was a terrorist attack”, before the news confirmed it. I was old enough to begin to grasp it, and I was terrified. My older sister was at school (she was in 11th grade), and I remember hearing that one of the band students lost family and had to watch it happen. I remember finding out that my cousin was supposed to be working in one of the buildings that day, but was running late. I was constantly terrified that one of my other cousins would be called away for service with the Army, and oddly enough he never went, but another cousin was deployed this year. I lived in Raleigh, was 13 years old, and didn’t even know what the twin towers were before that morning, yet it still has such a great impact on my life.

In the years following 9/11, I got to see Ground Zero twice. The first time, everything was covered in snow and you could barely see your hand in front of your face, yet there was a very eery feeling. The following week I went back on another trip and actually saw it this time. I saw the remaining rubble. I saw the cross that remained standing when everything else fell. I was able to stand there and remember where I was that day, and remember all those affected by it. We visited the church across the street, with tears streaming down our faces. The comfort in all of this was recognizing how far we had come in those 3 short years, in so many ways.

When I remember 9/11 though, I try not to think about my anger at not being able to watch. I don’t think about laying in Mom’s bed the next week watching the hour special on ABC, seeing everything I didn’t see before. I don’t think about the fear that I had that morning, home alone with my baby sister trying to make sense of things on my own because you couldn’t even make a phone call (I was lucky to make the one to my Grandparents). I think about the cross that remained when everything else fell. I think of the church across the street that stayed strong as the rest of the world came crashing down around it.

Yes, 9/11 was a tragic incident that I will never forget. It has changed our personal lives, our country, and the world. It is something that is very difficult to look back on without sadness in our hearts. However, I think that as we approach the 10th anniversary of this tragic day, we should remember first and foremost that this is the day that we came together. This is probably the only day in the history that we ourselves can vividly remember (especially those around my age), that there was no longer black or white, rich or poor, Christian or Muslim (unfortunately, probably the last day that Muslim’s were not “cast out” so to speak, as we did not yet know the circumstances of the hijacking). The United States, and I would even say the world, were exactly what the scripture means when it says “one body”. We watched, cried, prayed, sat, listened, spoke, and worshiped together- for that one single day. That day was quite possibly the strongest that this country has ever been in my 23 years of life, and even beyond.

The tragic events of that day tore down our buildings, took lives of our loved ones, more than shook our government, and have led to so much despair ever since. However, those tragic events also built up our community in ways that nothing else ever could. As we remember 9/11 throughout the rest of this week and the weeks and years to come, lets not forget the incredible things that came from it (I am in no way saying that this was a good thing, because it is the worst thing that I ever remember happening to our country). Lets come together again, rich and poor, black and white, Christian AND Muslim. Lets form the single body of Christ once more, and keep it. It is ok to be sad and afraid, but the pain is lessened just a bit when we are together. We are so much stronger when we stand together and even though our buildings may come crashing down around us, our economy crashes through floor, our government doesn’t know which way is up, and we have people fielding phone calls and emails and webpages and who knows how many other forms of threat our country, no one can ever bring down the one single body of Jesus Christ.

No matter your ethnicity, race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, weight, appearance, age, job… reach out to your neighbor and REMEMBER not just the bad, but the good. Because when you play “Red Rover” at camp, we all know the stronger the grip between each person, the harder it is for the “enemy” to break through.

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you in the yard with your wife and children
Or working on some stage in L.A.?
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black smoke
Risin' against that blue sky?
Did you shout out in anger, in fear for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry?

Did you weep for the children who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don't know?
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below?
Did you burst out in pride for the red, white and blue
And the heroes who died just doin' what they do?
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself and what really matters?

[Chorus:]
I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell
you the difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you teaching a class full of innocent children
Or driving down some cold interstate?
Did you feel guilty 'cause you're a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone?
Did you call up your mother and tell her you loved her?
Did you dust off that Bible at home?

Did you open your eyes, hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep?
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Or speak to some stranger on the street?
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Or go out and buy you a gun?
Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watchin'
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns?

Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers
Did you stand in line and give your own blood?
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love?

[Repeat Chorus 2x]
And the greatest is love.
And the greatest is love.

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?

"Where Were You?" Alan Jackson

Personal Unloading Dock

It's going to be a bit more personal tonight cause for some reason I seem to be struggling with that lately- the whole put what I think out there. I think part of that is I am so excited about everything going on with my friends, I get wrapped up in what they are doing and forget about what I am doing. That and I am constantly trying to find things to write about in here and for some reason feel like putting my own life and feelings out there is bad. But here is the thing- my life and feelings are what fuel my posts... so I guess this is like a "making of" post.

Life is great, but I am struggling up here in different ways. It takes these late nights and empty days to put it in my line of sight though. I guess that is a good thing. This past week has been full of it though. For some reason I can't bring myself to say it out loud though. I am here because I was called by God, so theoretically there shouldn't be anything to be sad about or to worry about, right???? I need to be ridiculously happy 24/7 with no worries in the world, ready to take on anything they throw at me. The reality of it? I am terrified. Sure, I made it through one class already but that wasn't one that tested my beliefs. It was one that required me to just do lots of flashcards. Am I up for the challenge of having someone question what I have believed all my life? Am I ready to question myself?

I got thinking about it tonight while we are all out enjoying each others company and conversations. I mentioned to a friend that I just avoid the deep political discussions that take place because I prefer to not put my views out there. That's fine. I think in today's world it is probably best. But then I realized that even in our theological discussions, I can be very unsure of myself and hide behind everyone as they talk. I didn't grow up in the Presbyterian Church so there is still a whole lot that they talk about that I don't understand. In a lot of cases, I am not sure if what I believe is rooted in Disciples of Christ, Presbyterian, or reminiscent of my year in the Methodist church. My hiding goes back to why I refuse to practice trumpet when people can hear me- I don't want people to actually hear me when I am wrong or not doing well.

But I write in this blog! Figure that one out. I know I post all kinds of stuff in here that people may not agree with. My writing is terrible (honestly I am ashamed of a lot of it because I know I am capable of much more). But the thing that makes this "safe" for me is that sometimes one person reads what I post, other times it can reach as high as 80 people. I never know who it is though and no one ever responds (both good and bad I guess). It is my way of saying what is on my mind without feeling like I am being judged. Kind of a crazy thought that someone with a degree that says I can get out in front of people and perform can't stand saying what is REALLY on my mind.

Maybe part of it also goes to me not wanting to offend someone, I have already been pegged by my best friend here as being too nice sometimes. Even when I like a guy, I feel my way through SO MUCH as to make sure I do/ say the right things and don't rub him the wrong way, most of the time I miss out on the opportunity. That is something else I am working on and it goes back to a recent post- just being REAL. It's hard. But that is one reason I am doing this post tonight. A way to be REAL for a few minutes because I know that I can go to sleep in a few minutes and this will basically be history.

So, after all of this rambling about nothing really, I guess I should be real?? Here is a shot in the dark- I love being here, but I am terrified. I love my friends here, maybe one more than the others (and if y'all ask, I won't tell! :D). I feel bad about that because I feel like I should still be upset or at least not looking since I broke up with my ex only a few months ago and we dated for over a year. I also "can't" like them because of my own stupidity. I miss home and days like to day put me over the edge- nothing hurts more than knowing that I can't help when my family needs me. I miss trumpet terribly, but I just don't have it in me to pick it up and play right now because I know it won't sound the way it did even a year ago and that is proven every Tuesday when I go to rehearsal. Meanwhile, I have two gigs coming up that I have to get ready for. I feel like while so many people are so proud and excited for me and this adventure, I still feel like I let one person down and that kills me because he is one of the key people that helped me make this decision and I owe so much to him. There is a lot that I want to write about in all of my posts, but I am scared I will offend family and don't want to do that.

How's that? Well... I guess I will see how I feel when I wake up tomorrow. Don't get me wrong- I really am INCREDIBLY happy... honestly I don't think I have ever been this happy. I am answering a call from God and everything is working out so far. How can I not be happy knowing that I am doing something that incredible? Knowing that I have so much support back home and here? I go out more now than I ever did in college, and it is all because for the first time I would rather go out and enjoy discussions and fun with my friends rather than stay in and watch tv. Anyone that really knows me can see the change and it is a change that I am more than welcoming. However, even with all of that, I struggle at times and just have to get it off of my chest and for some reason can't bring myself to say it out loud or unload on one person. And trust me... God will hear all of this and everything I haven't said.

Change Your ACTS

I am half reading a book right now (only half because I just really don’t want to do much “academic” stuff right now…) by Susan E. Isaacs called “Angry Conversations with God”. I knew nothing about it when I picked it up except that it was free and I wanted to be doing something other than Greek before I went to bed at night, but after reading the first few pages I was hooked. Something about being extremely blunt and straight forward with God is very appealing to me.

Forgive me if this is a re-write of sorts of an old post (honestly I don’t keep track of them, I just write what is on my mind), but I am a huge fan of the being real with God. Yes, he is God and yes, he is just slightly important, but that doesn’t mean that you have to always be loving and happy and the world is perfect with him. Some of my best nights for sleeping have been after I completely unloaded on God, everything that was good and bad, tears, maybe a bit of cursing here and there, and just saying what was really on my mind. Things that you can’t tell to your friends or family, or maybe just don’t even want to say out loud- he knows them all, so why not take advantage of the fact that he is always loving and already knows it, and just finally say it?

Well, the premise of this book is that this girl feels like while God loves everyone, he has deserted her. A lady from church reminds her that her relationship with God is like a marriage, so the main character (Susan, I believe) takes God to marriage counseling. Crazy concept, but very interesting… Well, she sits down with a counselor and personifies God in conversations as she works out what is going on. It get’s brutal at points. I love it.

All of this is a reminder to me to not block out the things that are wrong in life. Every night I try to make a point to pray before I go to sleep and I go through the ACTS thing that I learned growing up (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication) which is very helpful, but where is there room to vent? “God, you are great. I screwed up today. Thanks for everything. Amen.” Really?? How often is that really what you want to say to God? How often is life good enough that you can completely ignore all the crap throughout the day (sorry to be so blunt, but isn’t that what this about?)? I think it does us all some good to completely let go and put it all out there.

Last night, I had a very enjoyable dinner and evening with one of my best friends. We talked about everything, really. However, I am sure I wasn’t the only one that may have held a few things back during parts of the conversation. 2+ hours of being completely open, but not. There are just some things that no one wants to say out loud because we might be ashamed, or maybe it just makes it too real, or maybe it just hurts. While we would like to think that we can be 100% open with our friends, we know that we never are. However, with God, you can be and you should be. Trust me, he can handle it.

So, all this being said, I am sure there are some people that are still saying that you can’t yell at God or be angry with him, you should fear him and never cross that road. This is my response- when you get in an argument with someone, don’t you ask them to change something, or take some action to help you in some way? Don’t you ask for guidance in some way or for forgiveness? So really, by venting and handing it all over to God, you are first and foremost handing over all control and recognizing that God is the one who is control, but you are asking him to take control. In a way, you are showing how much you adore him by giving him everything. You are making yourself humble and fully available to God. You are being completely earnest. You are taking part in the only REAL relationship in your life, one that is so much more than a marriage but that seems to be the best way for us to describe it.

So, here is my challenge to you- be REAL with God. Let it all out and get it off of your chest- hand over all control! After all, he knows it all anyway and is already in control, but your recognition of that will do a world of good for both you and your relationship with God. Plus, you feel better! A little less stress, a little more relief. You can approach your earthly relationships with a bigger smile, and who knows, maybe the REAL approach will slowly start to blend in with these other relationships and that could do some really crazy stuff to strengthen them and make them that much better!

Don’t be afraid to change your ACTS up sometimes… “Anger, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication” aint all that bad really. But never forget the straight forward adoration… that’s always a good thing ;)

Make Good Choices

A few months ago I decided it was time to sit down and really look at who I am and who I want to be. This led to a whole lot of thought and prayer and some tough decisions, but at this point I know it was all for the better. The changes range from being a little more honest with people (I tended to be honest when I was annoyed, or when it would make someone happy.. never when it would hurt someone but was necessary) to being a little more patient.

It was hard to start this process because it meant coming clean with a few people about different things. I never like hurting people, even in very small ways. For me, the perfect world is where everyone gets along and sings Disney songs all day (huh... kinda like we do here!). I would do anything and everything in my power to make sure that this would happen, unless of course you just annoyed me and then it was on. Not something I am necessarily proud of. So now, I am getting a lot better at just being upfront. Something that is very key in ministry is being able to be honest even when it is hard because you can't really help someone if you lie to them... even if it does make them happier to hear that lie. I still struggle at times, but I also am not put in many situations right now where I need to worry about it. I think it helps that I am now in a community of very open and honest people!

I have also had to really work on patience. Going back to the whole honest when annoyed, I get annoyed purely because I'm not a terribly patient person. Going off of that, I think I am mostly impatient when it comes to things that I think are stupid. Knowing that, I have tried to change my perception of things like that. A few weeks ago, I participated in a workshop through Communities of Learning, in which we did an exercise where we went in a circle and said "Namaste" to each person. This basically means "I see the Christ in you" and other than being terribly awkward at first, really got me thinking. If I were to go back to the student lounge in the music building and take the viewpoint of trying to find Christ in each person, would I have been a bit more patient with the "stupidity"? Probably. I might have seen that these people weren't really being "stupid", but I would have seen it as a quirk and learned to appreciate it. There were some that I did appreciate these quirks, but the exact same quirks really grated on my nerves with others. That being said, I have really tried to look at the things that used to bug me about people and situations and find Christ in them, or see how they can help me grow and aid in my ministry. After waiting for megabus for an hour without any notification of it being late, and then having people push in front of me to get on the bus or load up their luggage, I joked to my Dad that this was just a test and was preparing my patience level for when I am in a church. Thinking back now, I don't think that was so much a joke as it was just an observation!

All of this being said, I can't help but quote a Max Lucado book (he is my all time favorite author), When God Whispers Your Name. In chapter 11 (yes... go look it up, NOW), Lucado discusses the choices we have make throughout the day. Since it would be way too much to try to type it all up, and I'm sure it is against the law in some way, the final paragraph of the chapter is this...

"Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek his grace. And then, when this day is done, i will place my head on my pillow and rest." (When God Whispers Your Name, Max Lucado. 1994. p73)

When I was reading this book last summer during my final week of Summer in the City, I couldn't help but read it to the kids and point out that we all make choices every day and the thing that matters most is do we keep Christ in those choices. I seemed to forget that until this summer when I started re-evaluating things. The funny thing is, ever since I made a point to take this approach I am happier, less stressed, and haven't come across a single person I really didn't like.

Now, my challenge to you is this- make your choices, and keep Christ in them. Maybe that guy in the break room isn't really as bad as you think. Why don't you really look into his eyes and find Christ in him, and be a little more patient and kind... you might just have a new best friend! But if you can't do it right away, know that God loves you no matter what. That aint an excuse not to try though!

So, as my friend Ben likes to say, "Make good choices!"

There is no place like home...

One of the most famous movie quotes comes from the Wizard of Oz, “there is no place like home”. After this past week, I can say there are a thousand different meanings behind that! I am now on my way back to Richmond after spending just over a week back home in Raleigh and realizing just how much I did and didn’t miss it.

Quick run down of the week-

Got home last Saturday and was greeted by my oldest niece, Addison, as she ran up the stairs, arms out stretched, and yelling my name. I have never loved a hug that much! So I spent Saturday and Sunday helping my parents take care of my nieces until my sister and brother-in-law got back from New Orleans. I don’t know how my parents managed having them Thursday-Sunday if I was that exhausted after only 24 hours!

Monday, I got to go out to lunch with Mom and do some shopping before going to have dinner with two of my favorite Santa’s (alright… my two favorite) and hear them and Daddy tell stories at the Laurinburg Story Tellers Guild. Very cool thing.

Tuesday, I got to see my cousin Nancy and my Great Aunt Doris since they were visiting my grandparents. This was awesome anyway, but then I got to experience my first earthquake with Nancy who lives in Washington state… needless to say this wasn’t as exciting for her as it was for me!

Wednesday, I caught up with a life long friend and got to go to another dinner with about 12 santas. Yes… this really is what I do on my break!

Thursday, I got to be with my nieces once again and once again, Addison made my day when she saw me and yelled out “Jord!” and gave me a big hug (I have been upgraded from “Jrory”). Got to catch up with my former supervisor and friend over lunch and then CRASH.

Friday was another catch up day with coffee with a friend from Middle school on, and lunch with my sister.

Saturday was Irene. No power in the morning, it came back on, and it was out again. Thankfully we didn’t get as much damage (really none) but the storm did stay overhead for 12 hours. Yay, Raleigh.

Sunday, I got to go to Greensboro for church at Starmount. It was great to see everyone again and catch up with my family there, not to mention Nancy and Doris went as well so I got to see them one more time. Lots of time in the car with Mom which was awesome.

Now, I am on megabus heading back north and more than ready to be there. I love my family and already miss my cat terribly, but it is kinda crazy going back. I now need a break to recover from my break! We went through the good and bad this week with plumbing issues, exhaustion, and lots of smiles and laughs. I loved every second, but also missed Richmond. Wednesday went by without my Chipotle date with Daniel and Luke, and when I got bored I couldn’t go bang on their door upstairs to bother them or Christopher. Also, I was hearing about all of the mess going on in Richmond between the earthquake, thunderstorms, and hurricane. I have no idea what I am walking into when I get back, but I am ready for it.

Two weeks from today I will start my first class for the fall. In a way, my first seminary class (while greek counts, we never really did much beyond translations). It is such an exciting time! For now though, I will help people move in, make new friends, look forward to seeing the old (Luke and Daniel better get back soon cause I need Chipotle!), and try to get everything in order for class.

It was really great seeing everyone this week! If I didn’t see you, know that I was thinking about you with everything going on. Hopefully I’ll be back before Thanksgiving, but I won’t make promises on that one. You will definitely know when I head that way again though!

Off to the land of limited sweet tea now! And they call themselves the south…

Refreshing

You know that funny arrow at the top of your browser that you click on and you get to see your web page again, all nice and new? Yea... that's the one I keep clicking on right now. This morning I brought the past seven weeks to an end with the final exam for Greek. What a crazy concept that I am done now! This has been the longest seven weeks of my life and probably the most rewarding. Not that long ago, I couldn't make any since of those funny looking things in my pretty blue New Testament (the only thing I did understand was the latin on the front telling me that it was the New Testament), now I can read it and make sense of a lot of it.

I look back on the blogs and see the number of times I mentioned something about how you can do anything with God, and I think today proved that. I think a lot of the time I was more saying that for me as a reminder or to maybe convince myself, because in all honesty, there were some times I wasn't so sure it was true (I am sure we have all had those moments). Kinda like when you were high school and liked someone but kept putting out reasons why you couldn't, in hopes that you might actually believe it one day and get over them. Yea, same thing here. But it IS true and you CAN do ANYTHING when you let God take control. Even Greek.

So at this point, I have put my books on my bookshelf and mixed them in with the others and thrown my flashcards right beside my notebook on the bottom shelf. It is time to hit "refresh" on my life, and that began this afternoon. I am very eagerly awaiting tomorrow morning when I hit the road to Raleigh for a week. When I get there, my nieces will be at my house and my parents will be all too ready to and them over to Aunt Jrory and I will be all too ready to take them! I can HOPEFULLY remember what it is like to have my sweet little kitten purring next to me all night (I bought her a toy today in hopes of bribing her), and I can relax and just enjoy myself without feeling guilty that I am not studying. I may or may not update on here (probably will since I will finally be able to think about things other than Greek), I may or may not even turn on my computer some days.

I think if I had learned nothing in Greek, I would have learned something this summer- I am truly blessed to have been given the opportunity to go down this road answering a call from God, and there is no greater blessing than a day with no studying!

Now, as I hit "refresh" for the thousandth time today as I wait for my grade, I'm going to hit "refresh" on my life. You do the same! There is something very refreshing about it...




oh no. I am on the right path... corny jokes that should never be said outloud... I knew I was called to be a minister. Unfortunately there is no congregation feeling obligated to laugh yet!

Black Heels and Jesus

There is something about a good pair of black heels. When you slip them on, your feet and legs automatically look about 300 times better, whatever you are wearing goes from “blah” to “oo-lah-lah”, and most importantly, your attitude completely changes. Sometimes they might kill your feet, but even then, you can’t help but have a small smirk as you walk down the street because you know (well… you like to pretend at least) that all eyes are on you because, let’s face it, you look good.

I got thinking about this earlier today as I was walking through the grocery store after church in my favorite heels and realized that I could really take this once-a-week special confidence somewhere. One of the scripture readings in church this morning was the story of Jesus walking on the water and Peter’s struggle as he first walked on water but quickly doubted and broke the surface as he fell in, reaching out for Jesus and asking for his help.

When I was back at UNCG and in my education classes, they told the girls two key things for when they ended up in the school- if you don’t wear makeup now, start and go buy yourself a good pair of heels. The heels add confidence and take away doubt, a key thing when you are standing in front of a bunch of judgmental teenagers who are just waiting for you to crash and burn. It is that confidence and trust that Peter had as he stepped out of the boat and on to the water. It was as if Peter was wearing the best pair of black heels there was and was walking down the street, eyes looking directly ahead of him and probably shaking his hips just a bit. Then he made the mistake of looking in that big reflective window he was walking by and realized that maybe his hair didn’t look as good as he thought or saw that huge stain on his robe from lunch earlier that day and his confidence was shattered and he crashed into the water.

What happens next? Jesus comments on Peter’s doubt, not in a judgmental way, but more in a way that makes Peter realize that there really wasn’t a reason to. I mean, really, he was walking on water… obviously Jesus had something going on. It’s kinda like when you feel really great about something and then find the one flaw and let it all go- did someone else point out the flaw? Were you criticized in any way? Is it really anything that matters? Trust me, if you are walking down the street in your heels, people are paying attention to your confidence and not the out of place hair or stain at the edge of your shirt. Here is the awesome thing though, just like the heels eventually bring back our confidence and we start up the confidence once again, Jesus reaches out his hand to us and helps us up, just like he did with Peter.

We are expected to doubt, just as we are expected to have one or two flaws in the way we look everyday… if you don’t, then you are lying. We are expected to be unsure of things and ask questions, and we will always fall at some point. The important part is what do you do afterward? Are you going to just take the fall and struggle to stay above the water you were just walking on with the help of Jesus or are you going to recognize that you were only walking on water because of the help of and your confidence in Jesus? Think about Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”… there is never any reason to doubt yourself as long as you have Christ in your life and recognize his work in your life.

I will be the first to admit that I sometimes look to my gorgeous black heels to give me an extra push. All girls can relate that when they liked someone but weren’t quite getting the attention they wanted, they pulled out the heels. Even if the guy doesn’t notice the shoes (because let’s face it, they don’t), he is bound to notice that extra smile or confidence. The same is true when you have God in your life- even if you aren’t walking around with a huge cross around your neck or wearing a “Jesus is my Homeboy” t-shirt, people will notice the extra light in your life through your love and confidence.

So now, go get yourself a pair heels! And guys… I guess a bowtie?? Whatever does it for you, just make sure that WHEN you doubt, you turn to God and let him have control of your life (as he always should) because then and only then will you get back on top of the water where the world can see your awesome heels!

Seminary is really expensive!

I have been trying to come up with something to write about for over a week now. I figure it gets boring always hearing “life is great”, “Greek is Greek”… because really, as much as I would like to think that these next three years are going to be perfect and without their challenges (after all, I am at Seminary… God’s school… that would the be ideal right??), that aint the case.

Today, my Greek professor preached in chapel and as always I got thinking about what brought me here. However instead of telling us what we have coming down the road and how great it is that we are answering God’s call, and really just making us feel all warm and fuzzy inside, he took a note from Croy (the author of our textbook) and threw all those happy feelings into the sea. Michael challenged us to think about the cost of what we are doing, and not just the financial cost. Now, when I am already at breaking point with this studying thing and longing for a real day off when I am not even thinking about what I should be doing for class, this was not a welcome challenge since I knew it would probably push me over the edge (at least for the night… cause life really is too good here to truly be anything but happy).

So, what was my cost? Well, looking at the obvious, I spent multiple hours (I don’t even want to know how many) writing essays and filling out scholarship applications knowing that I would not be able to get here without them. I had to take out yet another student loan in addition to all that I have out from undergrad. I put my two music degrees that I worked so hard for, on the back burner. I haven’t really played trumpet since I got here with the exception of a weekly rehearsal and one chapel service. I passed on the possibilities of multiple teaching jobs that I think I could have interviewed for at the very least. I ended a year long relationship with a great person. I left my kitten, and basically my child, back with my parents. I left my two beautiful nieces in Wilson, and missed Emmalyn’s first birthday. I am now 3 hours away from my big sister if something were to happen to her again. No need to keep going…

Obviously, I have left a lot behind. It terrified me to do, and still gets to me on the nights when I really just don’t want to study anymore and would prefer to curl up in bed with Cali Lynn and she isn’t there. But here is the thing- I have come into so much! I have made such incredible friends here and begun an even more incredible journey. I am learning an ancient language that isn’t even available on google translator so that I can really dig down deep and begin to understand the Bible. Over the next three years I will put more time into studying than I ever did in undergrad, and I will learn more about my own history than I ever thought about before. I will work in hospitals, work with youth groups, teach Sunday school classes, and preach sermons. I will travel to places like Ghana or the Holy Lands. I will discern my call further and be tested to lengths that I never thought possible. And hopefully, God willing, I will be ordained at the end of it all and answer a call at a church and change a life maybe. That might be in Oban or it could be in the middle of Kansas. What it all boils down to is this- I will be answering God’s call.

We all have to do it at some point and it will definitely come with its challenges. Even though I finally made it here after what seemed like the longest wait in the world. I am still worrying about money as I stretch every last dollar I made selling luggage the last few months while I wait for scholarships to come at the end of the month. I am losing sleep while I stay up studying for tomorrow’s quiz. I am questioning things and struggling with the answers. I am learning my way around a new, and huge, city. I am finding out who I am now as I enter a whole new environment with completely different people. There have been tears on occasion, and I fully expect there to be more.

This is a very welcome challenge though, no matter what the cost. Because if I only know one thing after 23 years, it is this- God loves us and will never put us in a situation that we cannot handle, because no matter what he will be with us and he can handle anything. I can sit here and look back at what I left or I can look at what I have now and ahead of me. I think I like that option a whole lot more. I mean really, it all boils down to this…

Seminary is really expensive, but life is great and Greek is Greek… and that is alright with me :)

A stressful week brought to a nice close!

Oh, where to start?? Well, I am still keeping my head above water in greek but sometimes I feel like that is about all I am doing. I am beginning to think that even if I keep my schedule the same (which I won't- 3/4 required core classes should be spread out, not all in one year! many thanks to my friends who explained the whole registration thing to me!), it will be easier than this summer. I absolutely love greek, however trying to cram two semesters worth into one month is stressful to say the least! However, we are halfway through at this point!!

Another great part of being up here in Richmond is that once again I have been given a great opportunity to visit churches in the area while I look for a home away from home. I seem to have settled on one (Second Presbyterian)- great minister, great people, lots going on as far as mission at home, and a great youth program (the last two being my prime focus). Today, the minister finished up a sermon series on Romans 8 and it really got me thinking about what is going on in my life and the world.

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[a]

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This past week, in addition to the stress and struggle with greek, I took time to remember the life of two very important people- my Uncle Bob (who unfortunately I didn't really have much of an opportunity to get to know well since his family moved away when I was little, but who I still consider myself to have been close to) died a few years ago after a long battle with cancer, and one of my best friends, Hope (she died in a car accident ten years ago, only 2 days after her birthday). In addition to remembering these incredible people, but big losses, I have been reminded of the trouble that our country is in every time I turn on my tv. Every day I pray that nothing will happen with my sister that will put her back in the hospital and away from her husband and girls, meanwhile, I got a call yesterday that had me on edge for a while when I was told her neighborhood had been hit by a tornado and they weren't sure what, if anything, had happened to their house (thankfully no major damage and everyone was ok). Basically, even when you are overwhelmed with blessings in your life, there are still some crappy things that like to show their face.

I have made it a habit to read the scriptures before worship so that I can just listen and really take it in during worship. I was really excited to see this verse today because I knew Rev. Evans would take it somewhere great, and it is also a favorite of mine and a great reminder after a week like this. Even with everything that is thrown at us every single day, God is always with us and helping us and none of this can outweigh what God does for us. Even more importantly, this scripture reminds us that not only is God with us during all of these trials, but that we are conquerors of them as well. It is really hard to think about that sometimes when we feel like we are drowning in all of life's problems so this is a perfect reminder.

So, no matter what is going on in your life- looming due dates for projects, language midterms, deaths of loved ones, breakups, debt collectors, fights with friends, sickness... all of it is something that we can and will overcome with God by our side. Why? Because NOTHING can separate us from God... the scripture says so!

The only downfall to all of this? Even though God is with us and we will overcome everything, I don't think this means I can not study and overcome my midterm... so, back to work!