There is something very relaxing about sitting in my room with the windows open and not hearing anything but the bugs and birds… and the occasional race car warming up for the race (that or the people on Chamberlayne think they are in the race). Also, knowing that I have nothing to study, no one to be accountable to, and not even 48 hours left that this is the case forces me to relax a bit as well.
I was sitting in this same seat only two months ago, excited and nervous for Greek. The only thing that has changed in the way I feel is that I am at ease after surviving Greek, but still excited and nervous for everything else! I have seen only one of the four syllabi for this semester and I am already freaked out a bit. This is so much more than I expected, but it also isn’t. The work load is only a tiny bit more intense than what I am used to from undergrad, but that doesn’t match my much “lighter” looking schedule. This grad school thing is really messing with my mind!
Other things have changed in the last two months as well. I can definitely say that I myself have changed in a number of ways, and I am so happy I did! The dynamics of our group have changed some, but I wouldn’t say in a bad way. Even the way that I am discerning my call has changed… a whole lot more than I expected this soon. Once I can work it out some more I will definitely post about that, but all I can say is I have flipped to the other side of the coin.
I think I noticed most of the changes this week. New people moved in and we had orientation for all new students. The first is one that I have been looking forward to and dreading all summer. As I mentioned in a previous post, I love our family that has been built here and as excited as I was to meet new people, I was worried about what would happen to us. Well, thankfully all of the new students came in and either fell right in step with everything going on already or stayed back. I hate that some have stayed back, but that also seems to be mostly commuter students so I understand that it can be hard when we mostly hang out at night. Some dynamics did change slightly as there are more people to separate into smaller groups, but thankfully that has only been for the better!
Orientation was something that I still am not sure how relevant a lot of it was for those of us that have been here all summer, as we figured most of it out on our own already. I think the key that happened for me was worship following service day. I was asked to share a testimony about my experience that day, and thankfully I am not a huge NASCAR fan otherwise this might have been more nervewracking than it already was (worship was sponsored by Motor Racing Outreach and was attended by Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne, as well as drivers Blake Koche and Michael McDowell). So, this is basically what I said (I wrote it down first so that’s the only reason I have it…)-
“This afternoon our group went to Salvation Army Homeless Shelter to help organize and clean the dining hall and kitchen areas. Saying that this place was dirty is putting it lightly. Some of us organized the food pantry while others cleaned mildewed walls in the freezer. We also got to talk to some of the regular volunteers, one of which was particularly excited to have a group of Seminary students there and asked us questions ranging from “What does Presbyterian mean?” (I was very excited to be able to pull out my recently acquired Greek knowledge) to what should he do when someone is telling him that what he believes is wrong? Being a first year, I was very intimidated by the questions but also felt very reassured by the others as I tried my best to tell him my personal thoughts. Today was more than cleaning and organizing for me- I feel like I have a stronger relationship with returning students and feel a lot more confident in my call and presence here.”
Something about getting up in front of faculty, students, celebrities, one or two big wigs from PC(USA) and oh… Brian Blount, told me that I can do this. As I went up I joked that it was really scary (there was no podium or anything to really separate me and give me that feeling of protection), and it was. I made it through though, lots of people talked to me after and thanked me and told me that I did great… really everything you want to happen after something like that when it is your first time and you are the only first year to do it. I think that fear is what has held me back for so long from looking at the flip side of the coin, and now I am really liking it now. But like I said, more on that later when I really know what is going on.
So yea, two months ago I was starting Greek. First class in a year. Barely knew anyone. Was 98% confident in my call. Now, I am starting fall semester with four courses, know and love everyone, and am about 30% confident in what I am actually called to do. Is that bad? I really don’t think so! There is a reason that I am required to go through this process of Inquirer/ Candidate in order to be ordained, and it is working out exactly the way it is supposed to. I may not be 98% confident in what my call is, but I am more than 100% confident that it is right that I am here, that I AM called to ministry and as I learn more and gain more experience, that call will begin to be more clear once more.
2 months ago, I was a very different person. It feels like 2 years ago.
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