It's going to be a bit more personal tonight cause for some reason I seem to be struggling with that lately- the whole put what I think out there. I think part of that is I am so excited about everything going on with my friends, I get wrapped up in what they are doing and forget about what I am doing. That and I am constantly trying to find things to write about in here and for some reason feel like putting my own life and feelings out there is bad. But here is the thing- my life and feelings are what fuel my posts... so I guess this is like a "making of" post.
Life is great, but I am struggling up here in different ways. It takes these late nights and empty days to put it in my line of sight though. I guess that is a good thing. This past week has been full of it though. For some reason I can't bring myself to say it out loud though. I am here because I was called by God, so theoretically there shouldn't be anything to be sad about or to worry about, right???? I need to be ridiculously happy 24/7 with no worries in the world, ready to take on anything they throw at me. The reality of it? I am terrified. Sure, I made it through one class already but that wasn't one that tested my beliefs. It was one that required me to just do lots of flashcards. Am I up for the challenge of having someone question what I have believed all my life? Am I ready to question myself?
I got thinking about it tonight while we are all out enjoying each others company and conversations. I mentioned to a friend that I just avoid the deep political discussions that take place because I prefer to not put my views out there. That's fine. I think in today's world it is probably best. But then I realized that even in our theological discussions, I can be very unsure of myself and hide behind everyone as they talk. I didn't grow up in the Presbyterian Church so there is still a whole lot that they talk about that I don't understand. In a lot of cases, I am not sure if what I believe is rooted in Disciples of Christ, Presbyterian, or reminiscent of my year in the Methodist church. My hiding goes back to why I refuse to practice trumpet when people can hear me- I don't want people to actually hear me when I am wrong or not doing well.
But I write in this blog! Figure that one out. I know I post all kinds of stuff in here that people may not agree with. My writing is terrible (honestly I am ashamed of a lot of it because I know I am capable of much more). But the thing that makes this "safe" for me is that sometimes one person reads what I post, other times it can reach as high as 80 people. I never know who it is though and no one ever responds (both good and bad I guess). It is my way of saying what is on my mind without feeling like I am being judged. Kind of a crazy thought that someone with a degree that says I can get out in front of people and perform can't stand saying what is REALLY on my mind.
Maybe part of it also goes to me not wanting to offend someone, I have already been pegged by my best friend here as being too nice sometimes. Even when I like a guy, I feel my way through SO MUCH as to make sure I do/ say the right things and don't rub him the wrong way, most of the time I miss out on the opportunity. That is something else I am working on and it goes back to a recent post- just being REAL. It's hard. But that is one reason I am doing this post tonight. A way to be REAL for a few minutes because I know that I can go to sleep in a few minutes and this will basically be history.
So, after all of this rambling about nothing really, I guess I should be real?? Here is a shot in the dark- I love being here, but I am terrified. I love my friends here, maybe one more than the others (and if y'all ask, I won't tell! :D). I feel bad about that because I feel like I should still be upset or at least not looking since I broke up with my ex only a few months ago and we dated for over a year. I also "can't" like them because of my own stupidity. I miss home and days like to day put me over the edge- nothing hurts more than knowing that I can't help when my family needs me. I miss trumpet terribly, but I just don't have it in me to pick it up and play right now because I know it won't sound the way it did even a year ago and that is proven every Tuesday when I go to rehearsal. Meanwhile, I have two gigs coming up that I have to get ready for. I feel like while so many people are so proud and excited for me and this adventure, I still feel like I let one person down and that kills me because he is one of the key people that helped me make this decision and I owe so much to him. There is a lot that I want to write about in all of my posts, but I am scared I will offend family and don't want to do that.
How's that? Well... I guess I will see how I feel when I wake up tomorrow. Don't get me wrong- I really am INCREDIBLY happy... honestly I don't think I have ever been this happy. I am answering a call from God and everything is working out so far. How can I not be happy knowing that I am doing something that incredible? Knowing that I have so much support back home and here? I go out more now than I ever did in college, and it is all because for the first time I would rather go out and enjoy discussions and fun with my friends rather than stay in and watch tv. Anyone that really knows me can see the change and it is a change that I am more than welcoming. However, even with all of that, I struggle at times and just have to get it off of my chest and for some reason can't bring myself to say it out loud or unload on one person. And trust me... God will hear all of this and everything I haven't said.
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