A new frame of mind

If I were only cautious of one thing in my life, it would be making decisions and acting on them. In the past I have mentioned my fear of letting others down, and I think that plays a big part in it. However, I think an even bigger part that I tend to ignore is that I don’t want to let myself down or end up hurt. Because of this, I have never taken a decision lightly. When I do end up making big decisions, I keep them to myself for a while just to make sure that it fits. Once I am a bit more comfortable, I will let someone else in, but I am very particular about who that someone is. Eventually, the decision is made public and I let go and enjoy. This has been the case with relationships, school, seminary… everything.

Well, I got thinking recently and started evaluating some decisions I have made since I got here. I wouldn’t say that any of them are bad, but I think some could use a bit of revision. I think this was mainly brought on by my recent discernment about my call (almost ready to write about that), but also actions of those around me. Well, I hit overload between school, extras, and all this thinking, and had to escape the source so I went back to Raleigh.

Funny how you can escape the location, but never the thoughts. When I left, I had a few goals- 1) Relax and enjoy myself, 2) Don’t think about my problems, but rather think about the blessings in my life, 3) Don’t talk to a few certain people.

I think the only thing that actually happened was that I relaxed and enjoyed myself. I was able to visit my sister in Wilson and we took my two beautiful nieces to the park (first time I have been able to really play with them to this extent since they are still very young), visit my grandparents, see my cousin and his wife for a short while, hear my sister’s a capella group, and enjoy some time with all of my siblings. Couldn’t ask for more!

The other two goals? Well the third was cancelled out before I finished packing. Now, let me clarify that one- I didn’t not want to talk to people because of problems or just not liking them, it was more rooted in the fact that I needed to get a clear perspective on some situations that they were part of. If I stayed in constant contact with them, I would still be in my own fantasy world. Even though I did slip up a few times, I think I still came to a solution. Every time I tried to text/call/tweet/facebook (it is insane how many ways we can contact someone now…) them, I found someone else to text/call/tweet/facebook. This led to the realization that I have been trying to confirm for a while which led me to think about MORE stuff (go figure)…

When I came here this summer, I was so excited about EVERYTHING. Nothing could go wrong in my world. Now, I believe that was 95% true. The other 5% is that bit that my dad likes to “make fun of” sometimes- I am so positive that I will tune out anything that isn’t to my liking. Well, I don’t know what that was, but I do know that through my excitement I got really focused on a few things. Now that we are in the fall semester and taking our first exams, I figured it was time to sit down and look at the reality of things to see what was really how I felt and what was from the excitement.

I love my excitement and what it does to me. I love that I took the time to follow through on a few things because of excitement, and I love that I held off on one or two things because I was worried that excitement might get the best of everyone involved and it wouldn’t be genuine. The best part? Now that I know who I am in this incredible community, kinda know what I am doing, and have my incredible groups of friends and traditions already in place, I wasn’t so scared to look at things from my new “grown-up” view point. I’m no longer trying to be included in everything, no longer trying to include everyone else in everything, I know what people think about things and feel comfortable enough to go against that sometimes… basically, I know that I am free to be and am doing it.

A question on my New Testament exam asks a question that is basically, what is the most important thing you have learned in these 4 weeks? Even with everything I have learned in my classes, I think the most important thing I have learned is that is not only time, but it is ok, to relax and be myself. That is a somewhat different self than 6 months ago, and I love that.

Maybe this will lead to some changes in my life… maybe not. All I know, is that now that I am relaxed, refreshed, and in a new frame of mind, I feel like I can take on the world and anything it throws at me. I feel more sure about my call than I ever have, and I know that there is no where else in the world that I would rather be… even Scotland. Everything has a time and place, and for me, this is it. Right here, right now… I belong at UPSem amongst an incredible group of people that I have grown to love so much, studying and learning things that I would never think possible for me, continuing past dreams in new ways, and creating new dreams with new people.

The next step? Get up the courage to follow through with a few things! (That is my other problem with this…)