God Fearing??

All my life I have always heard a phrase that really confused me- “I’m a God fearing person”. As a child I couldn’t imagine being afraid of anything, really, except for the occasional bug or Daddy hiding in the wood’s waiting to jump out and scare us after ghost story night while camping. As I grew up I had other fears, but God wasn’t one of them. I feel like I hear it more and more now that I am paying more attention to people around me. However, I can’t say that I agree with them.

I talked to a few friends about this today, thinking that maybe I am wrong in the fact that I really do not fear God in any way. I recognize that he is incredibly powerful and can do all things, but I also know and believe that God is with me through every trial and I should not have any reason to fear him. One friend mentioned that she thought that any relationship in which you feared the other person, is an abusive relationship and that she doesn’t think God is abusive. I have never thought about it that way, but I have to agree! I also don’t think that I could ever have such an undying love for someone that I fear.

In the same discussion, another friend said that he always thought of this “fear” as really being an awe for all that God has done and can do. Once again, I really have to agree. Can’t we just appreciate and respect all that God does for us without being afraid of him?? Every day I go out and see all of the wonderful things around me, all part of God’s creation and am in awe that he would give us such incredible things when quite frankly, I’m not sure how much we deserve it. That’s the thing though… even if we may not deserve it by our standards, God loves us so much that he doesn’t really worry about that part- he loves us unconditionally and therefore gives us these incredible gifts every single day. Does that sound like someone you should fear?

No, I don’t think that I am a God-fearing woman. I am a God- loving woman who is so in love with everything God does for us every day that there is no room for fear of him in my life. Yes, there are bad parts of life. I just recently drove around Raleigh, NC and witnessed unreal amounts of tornado damage right by my brother’s house, only a mile or so from my house. I see news reports every day about floods, tornadoes, fires… but none of them give me any reason to fear God. Here is the thing that keeps me going in those times- yes, there are bad things but there are so many incredible things as well. If we did not have these bad things in life, we would not appreciate the good things as much!

To sum it all up, last night we watched the movie “Saved” with one of the best lines I have ever heard regarding the fear of God- “You have everything… what are you afraid of?”

A change of pace...

Well, reality has set in at this point. After a great, short week of Greek I was able to go out and celebrate surviving with all of my friends. I was introduced to Sticky Rice, The Flying Squirrels, Buzz and Neds BBQ, and The Galaxy Diner all in one weekend. We laughed over stupid stuff, had deep conversations in the hallway, and walked together. It’s funny how quickly a family can form! And I do love this family : )

Like I said, though… reality is here. Monday morning brought a 5:45 am wake up to go out to the track and labyrinth before my 8:30 greek class. The morning started off great and I was ready to tackle another quiz and another lesson. Well, the quiz went well overall but then we started the new stuff. To make a long story short, my 2 hour study days from last week are definitely in the past and I am now not so happy to be welcoming in the 5 hour study days.

These are the days I prepared for, though and these are the days that will make up the next three years of my life. Is it hard? You have no idea. Already today I felt myself wanting to just stop when I couldn’t figure out a way to keep two words straight (I have around 50 at this point, not to mention conjugations, first and second declensions, and 24 forms of the word to… yes… you read that right). It isn’t so easy anymore. The quizzes aren’t easy 100s with a quarter of the points going to the lower case alphabet. But what can you expect?

Last week when I went exploring, I also did a little shopping for myself. Some of you may know that I have been on a search for a new ring after I lost a very special ring that I got in Mexico on my first mission trip (and the breaking point when I finally decided to listen to God and start pursuing ministry). I finally found the perfect ring- a small silver band with an engraved message on the outside, where I can see it every day- “If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it”. This message means so much to me on so many levels right now. These next three years are not going to come easy, but they aren’t supposed to. God doesn’t call us to do easy stuff… he calls us to stuff that is going to take work and dedication and trust in him. Right now, the challenge is greek but next semester it might be Theology or History of Christianity. The challenge isn’t always going to be classes either- I have already had the nights that I missed my friends back home, or the afternoons when it seemed like everything was falling apart. But it doesn’t matter what the challenge is, because I know that no matter what, God is with me and will bring me through each and every challenge.

So, since I was supposed to be going to bed about 30 minutes ago, I’m out… gotta get up early and hit those flash cards again!

Its all greek to me

Well, I guess this will be the first "seminary update" interjected in all these random thoughts. So, backing up past the last post...

I moved up here last Thursday with the help of Mom, Dad, and Noel. I got moved in ok and spent the rest of the weekend exploring Richmond and doing all the stuff I prob won't have much time for as the year progresses. Met a lot of 2nd and 3rd years at a cook out on Saturday, even met the mandatory Andy/Andrew that is somehow always one of my first friends wherever I go (figure that one out).

Fast forward past the awesome July 4 celebrations, crazy storms, and hours of waiting for fire works (not on July 4). Yesterday was the start of "Baby Greek". I won't lie, the first day was kinda easy. Granted, I spent a lot of time working on the alphabet before I got here, but still. Today, it wasn't so easy however I think that I finally got it down after a few hours in the library and a few more studying here in the room (at this point, I think I have spent more time in the library here than I did in all four years at UNCG...). I guess we will see how that goes tomorrow.

Other than Greek, I found a church that is pretty cool and not even a block from campus. I may do some more exploring, but you can't really beat that. It is also kinda cool cause I get to see my adviser who is on sabbatical so I'm not really missing too much with him being "gone".

I have also been invited to join the Richmond Brass and Percussion Consort which is really exciting. At least I know that every other week I will have a reason to be playing! In addition to that, I have been asked to play in Wednesday chapel in a few weeks. I'm just glad that I am getting these opportunities to keep my chops up!

Really that is about it. I do have a few job opportunities that I am looking at, all dealing with music or youth or both. Needless to say, I will post as soon as something happens.

Finally, I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone for all of your support. This is such a crazy journey, and one I never expected to be taking (and even fought for a quite a while). Your prayers, support, and messages mean the world to me! I know I came here from a weird place being a member of a church in Greensboro, but having grown up at two different churches in Raleigh. I have received so much from all three churches in so many different forms and it is such a blessing to know that you don't care where my membership is or who is technically sponsoring me on paper, because you are all playing such a major part on my papers!

I'm going to try to get another thoughtful post up this weekend when I'm not doing Greek, but I'm not making any promises. First, I need to keep working on what I said in that last one!

I hope everyone has a great weekend and stays cool! Maybe some of this Richmond rain can get down there to NC and knock out that drought.

God Bless!!

What if?

What if? It’s a question that we all ask ourselves every day, and one that has kept me awake at night for the last few days. What if I said something sooner? What if they chose differently? What if it happened this way?

Have you ever noticed how much of our lives, we live in the past? Everything goes back to what could have happened. I have recently reconnected with some really good friends of mine and all I can think about is “what if things happened differently?”. Well, you want to know the answer? I wouldn’t be where I am today. The conversations I have had with these people wouldn’t have the same impact as they have had, in fact they probably wouldn’t be happening. Maybe I never would have stopped to re-evaluate my life 2 years ago and make the decision to print out that application. Maybe I would be teaching middle school band, or maybe I would be starting grad school for trumpet in Florida or Indiana. Maybe I would be exactly where I am today, laying in bed in Richmond Hall at Union Presbyterian Seminary.

That’s the thing about these “what ifs”… we don’t know how it would have been. We can imagine life another way all day long, but really have you ever been happy with what you imagined? I think we miss the important key all too often, and that is that God gave us these moments- hard, easy, fun, and sad- because they are a key part in shaping who we are. It doesn’t matter what would have happened if they didn’t leave, or if you were able to help them the way you wanted, or if you said something sooner. What matters is that whatever happened, led you to where you are today, and today is a gift from God.

I am starting a part of life where there are lots of questions. I am quickly learning that as much as I loved and/ or hated things in my past, I need to just thank God for them and move on. It does you no good to keep wondering how life could have been, but it does a world of good to make life what you want right now. Rather than asking the “what ifs”, ask “what now” and go out and enjoy life! There will always be 1,000 different ways for something to happen, but the most important way is the way it does happen and that’s all that matters. We can change the outcome today, but only if we put our eyes on the present and future rather than the past.

What if my life were different up til now? I may not be in Richmond, making friends with some awesome people (go figure mostly guys again… some things never change!), and getting ready to start the most incredible journey of my life. And you know what? That’s just not ok with me.

Thank God for the past, hope for the future, and opportunity of today!

When People Tell You "No"

I am sure we have all hit a point in life when someone told you that you couldn't do something. Some people will hear this and quit, while others will hear it and fight back. I have enjoyed my moments of both, but what do you do when it is something that you feel is something you are called to, and every bone in your body feels it, but someone says "no" and all the sudden you have to fight and prove somehow that you do in fact feel what you do?

For those of you that are more unfamiliar with the ordination process in the Presbyterian church, here is the readers digest version: Year 1- Inquirer, this is when you spend a lot of time discerning whether or not you do in fact feel called to ministry (this is done both individually and through discussions with others); Year 2- Candidacy, after the presbytery decides that they agree that you feel called they decide if they feel that you are called; Ordination, when a church (i.e. God) calls you. So basically, it is 3ish years of people questioning your every move and telling you "no"... or so it seems.

To start my official Inquirer year, I had to go before the presbytery and answer all kinds of questions. As I told my mom following the meeting, I would rather go into five music auditions unprepared than do that again. I don't know that I would say it didn't go well or I didn't like it, because it did go well and I did like it, however it was tough. For an hour I had to answer questions about what I have done in the past, am doing now, and what I plan to do in the future. Questions covered a range from finances to the loss of a friendship two years ago. I expected to be put through the ringer, however I felt that with every question I answered, my personal thoughts and feelings were being judged more and more. They were, but in a good way. But, for an hour I sat there defending every choice I have made and relating it to the decision to go to seminary.

So, back to the original thought- What do you do when people say "no" to what you truly feel is right? This happens to us everyday, whether it be a decision to pursue a project at work or choosing between fries and a fruit cup. We live our lives in judgement and judging. I have grown up fighting against every judgement, the most prominent for most of my life being trumpet. When I was 8 years old and got it in my head to play trumpet, my Grandfather thought that girls shouldn't play, so I spent the next 15 years fighting to prove to him that not only should girls play but they can be much better than boys. That is just my attitude. I fight back. Tell me no, I will say yes. Tell me yes, I will probably say no just to spite you :D But what should we really do?

Growing up we are told that when someone slaps us, just turn the other cheek. In fact, this is even in the Bible (Matt. 5: 38-42). My only problem with this is the other person always gets their way. Am I wrong to always fight back or is it good that I stand up for myself? Here is the thing that I think is most important: Don't be stupid and let things get out of hand- stand up for yourself in a responsible manner, without damaging the other person. When my Grandfather reluctantly started teaching me, I just pushed harder than ever to be good rather than tell him that I could do it. When I go before these committees over the next few years and they challenge my every thought, I just explain myself but don't turn it against them.

There are ways to respond to "No" without just taking it as the final call and giving up. I think that we all need to keep that in mind. We just need to not be stupid with it. Hearing the word "no" hurts a lot, hearing people challenge something you feel to be important is hard, but that doesn't mean you just give up. You keep pushing, but don't push the person. I don't think Jesus meant to just lay it all down and give up when he told us to turn the other cheek in the Sermon on the Mount. I think Jesus was telling us to not return the favor. You can still succeed without hurting the opposing party.

As Grandaddy has always told me, "Don't tell someone how good you are, just play and let them hear how good you are." I think the same goes for when someone challenges you- don't fight back and tell them they are wrong, keep pushing yourself and SHOW them they are wrong. Actions are a lot stronger than words anyway!

One more thing as I close out my last post before seminary begins:

When people tell you "no" or challenge what you are presenting, it isn't always to hurt you. I like to think that Grandaddy challenged me for so many years because he knew that it would only keep me pushing that much harder. Just the same, these committees only question my every thought because they want me to dig down that much deeper and understand things even better. People aren't always out to get you, even though it may seem that way at the time, which is another reason it is so so so important that you just keep your mouth shut and SHOW them rather than tell them!

I have a strong feeling this is something I will be doing every second of every day from now on... Lord, give me strength... and SILENCE! :)

So, here ends the pre-seminary posts! (unless of course I get the urge to post again lol). Check back next Wednesday for the first post from Union Presbyterian Seminary! Maybe I'll even include a little greek :)

Confidence

I have grown up as a rather privileged child in the sense that I don't remember a time that I wasn't confident in myself. I was 5 years old when I began competing in highland dance so all stage fright was knocked out of me at a very young age and has made it possible for me to be relatively successful in some difficult areas of life. Now, please please please don't get this mixed up with ego (something many people accuse me for since I play trumpet). I think ego is when someone is so full of themselves they can't do anything but try to convince people how great they are and need all kinds of great feedback if they are going to keep breathing- I am the one who can't stand applause.

My point with this is this- we all need to be a little confident. God throws so many things at us every day that really test us and push us to the limit. Our confidence doesn't come into play the way it should until we are confident enough to say "I can't do this alone, God please help!". We all have one thing in common that should make us the most confident people around- we have God on our side. We can do anything as long as we recognize that and keep that as a focus in our lives!

I am about to move to Richmond, VA to start a new journey. I am a homebody and Richmond is just a few hours away. I spent 4 1/2 years studying music, not religion. I am entering seminary the way I entered music theory- the bare bones knowledge, but it seems like everyone else knows everything and is ready to analyze some Chopin while I am still figuring how that is a V chord. I feel like I have every reason to freak out right now and run the other direction, however I know that I have God on my side, and I look at all the things he has helped me to do in the past so I KNOW that I can do this as well. I mean, hey, I did finally get through 5 levels of theory in addition to advanced tonal analysis!

I'm going to leave with this prayer now, because it is only here because of God's help. Just another way he has helped me overcome some crazy stuff...

The Lord's Prayer

We all have issues...

I am really trying to re-evaluate myself right now. I have realized that for being the straight forward tyrant that so many people from UNCG might remember me as (at least the ones who hung out in the student lounge), I am actually pretty nice and sugar coat everything. It really takes a lot for me to tell it how it is and there usually isn't a middle ground- it's either nice and sweet or cold and hard and the latter only comes when I am seriously annoyed (hence the abundance of it in the student lounge).

Part of my whole going into ministry thing is that I am working on a 2+ year program will I will evaluate myself and my call (Inquirer) and then other people (i.e. the church/ presbytery) will do the same (Candidate). The beginning of the inquirer phase had me in Charlotte, NC telling some lady I didn't know, all about my life. One of the things that came out of this was what I mentioned above- I am too nice. This is great and all, but part of being in ministry is dealing with the tough stuff that requires you to be tough sometimes.

This morning I was reading my book or Union ("What They Don't Tell You: A Survivor's Guide to Biblical Studies" by Michael Joseph Brown) and it said something that really hit a spot for me...
"The children of Israel are the children of Israel precisely because they wrestled with God... When we deny the reality of people's failings, we deny one of the truths the Bible wants us to confront when attempting to understand what it means to be a human being."
I think the reason I try to be so nice is I don't want people to think I don't like them (even if I really don't), I don't want to hurt their feelings, and I don't want them to feel like something is wrong with them or what they are doing. Now, I am not trying to say that we should go out and hurt people's feelings because it is only human to be wrong, but I am saying that I think it is important that we recognize it is ok to be wrong and we can help people out a whole lot if we help them when they are wrong.

This is something I am really struggling with, but hope to get better. I don't want to be the tyrant that some people know me as, because those that I am closest too know that I am not anywhere close to that. However, I don't want to be so nice that I can't tell people that I love when I think there is a problem. I 100% believe that this is what has led to a lot of fall outs in my life and in the lives of others.

So where do we start? Well, you have to be honest with yourself. What are your fall outs and where are you wrestling with God? I have just written about one of my big ones. Next- how are you going to fix it? Well, I have come clean about mine and now I am really trying to reach out to those I know I have not been honest with because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. It's hard, but I can already tell it is paying off and those relationships are all the better for it. I'm not saying that this is going to fix me, but it is a step in the right direction. Finally, we have to keep going once we recognize our tough areas and how we can go about making them a bit easier. I can't say how it works, but I have a really good feeling that if we stay in touch with the man upstairs he can help us out a bit.

It is ok to wrestle with God. It is ok to not be perfect. No one is... even the children of Israel. Will we ever be perfect? I hope not!! Life would be a lot less fun, but we can definitely work on having fun in a better way.

I hope this made sense... I am really tired and just typing what goes through my head. But think about it tonight- even the Bible says that we have our failings! That doesn't mean we should just accept our own and those of others though- it just means we have completed the first step to fixing them when we recognize this and accept it :) It also helps us tolerate each other a whole lot more!!