I am really trying to re-evaluate myself right now. I have realized that for being the straight forward tyrant that so many people from UNCG might remember me as (at least the ones who hung out in the student lounge), I am actually pretty nice and sugar coat everything. It really takes a lot for me to tell it how it is and there usually isn't a middle ground- it's either nice and sweet or cold and hard and the latter only comes when I am seriously annoyed (hence the abundance of it in the student lounge).
Part of my whole going into ministry thing is that I am working on a 2+ year program will I will evaluate myself and my call (Inquirer) and then other people (i.e. the church/ presbytery) will do the same (Candidate). The beginning of the inquirer phase had me in Charlotte, NC telling some lady I didn't know, all about my life. One of the things that came out of this was what I mentioned above- I am too nice. This is great and all, but part of being in ministry is dealing with the tough stuff that requires you to be tough sometimes.
This morning I was reading my book or Union ("What They Don't Tell You: A Survivor's Guide to Biblical Studies" by Michael Joseph Brown) and it said something that really hit a spot for me...
"The children of Israel are the children of Israel precisely because they wrestled with God... When we deny the reality of people's failings, we deny one of the truths the Bible wants us to confront when attempting to understand what it means to be a human being."
I think the reason I try to be so nice is I don't want people to think I don't like them (even if I really don't), I don't want to hurt their feelings, and I don't want them to feel like something is wrong with them or what they are doing. Now, I am not trying to say that we should go out and hurt people's feelings because it is only human to be wrong, but I am saying that I think it is important that we recognize it is ok to be wrong and we can help people out a whole lot if we help them when they are wrong.
This is something I am really struggling with, but hope to get better. I don't want to be the tyrant that some people know me as, because those that I am closest too know that I am not anywhere close to that. However, I don't want to be so nice that I can't tell people that I love when I think there is a problem. I 100% believe that this is what has led to a lot of fall outs in my life and in the lives of others.
So where do we start? Well, you have to be honest with yourself. What are your fall outs and where are you wrestling with God? I have just written about one of my big ones. Next- how are you going to fix it? Well, I have come clean about mine and now I am really trying to reach out to those I know I have not been honest with because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. It's hard, but I can already tell it is paying off and those relationships are all the better for it. I'm not saying that this is going to fix me, but it is a step in the right direction. Finally, we have to keep going once we recognize our tough areas and how we can go about making them a bit easier. I can't say how it works, but I have a really good feeling that if we stay in touch with the man upstairs he can help us out a bit.
It is ok to wrestle with God. It is ok to not be perfect. No one is... even the children of Israel. Will we ever be perfect? I hope not!! Life would be a lot less fun, but we can definitely work on having fun in a better way.
I hope this made sense... I am really tired and just typing what goes through my head. But think about it tonight- even the Bible says that we have our failings! That doesn't mean we should just accept our own and those of others though- it just means we have completed the first step to fixing them when we recognize this and accept it :) It also helps us tolerate each other a whole lot more!!
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