First, I am not posting this for sympathy, answers, or asking people to come listen to my problems- I think it is more than enough if you even read this. I just got thinking today about where my struggles are so that I can work on them. I am more than excited about exegeting in New Testament. Something is really exciting about learning about early Christianity. Spiritual formation is exactly what I need and more than a little exciting as I learn new ways to pray. Pastoral care on the other hand, scares the you-know-what out of me, making it less than exciting. I don’t expect this to be solved today, tomorrow, or even this semester. This is something that I will struggle with for a while. Maybe into my first call if not longer. However, I think the first step, just like in any 12-step program, is recognizing my problem. Honestly, I would be more worried if I couldn’t find one. Anyway, here goes…
Today in Pastoral Care, we got talking about key things to remember when you are working with people and their problems. Most of the stuff I have heard a thousand times already, some stuff was knew and really interesting. One thing stuck out though, and it has every time I have heard it, and funny enough is something that all of my supervisors in the past have tried to remind me of- one of the most important things when helping others, is making sure you help yourself. This should be easy, right?
Well, for me this is one of the hardest things to do. One of my biggest blessings and curses is that nothing hurts me more than knowing I am letting someone down or didn’t help them to the best of my ability. I was joking with a friend the other day about how I will set up all of my friends and make sure they are all in happy relationships before I set myself up, only I don’t know that I was joking. Actually, I know I wasn’t. That is just how I am. My dad gets on me about being the “mother hen” out of the three daughters, and he is very right. I get so concerned that everyone else is taken care of, has everything they need, is comfortable, gets it… and even though it all comes from the heart, it isn’t necessarily a good thing. Other than the fact that my sisters always want to kill me (and I’m sure my friends do sometimes), I never take care of my own needs or get comfy.
I’m currently caught in a trap with this. I won’t go into detail because honestly, it doesn’t matter that much. However, here is the gist- someone came to me with a problem, oddly enough one very similar to one of my own. Of course I sat down with them and tried to help them work it out. I have struggled with this person as they work it out, putting myself in the situation the way it was recommended by Charlie Brown (yes, my Pastoral Care prof is Charlie Brown… we also have Sam Adams teaching OT). It has worn on me, and honestly, at least twice as much as on them as I have had to push my similar problem to the back burner where it has consequently boiled over and made a huge mess (like when rice boils over… no fun). It doesn’t help that I have been called numerous things for approaching it this way, none of which are appropriate to repeat here (who knew it was such a bad thing to help someone?). So when, and how, do I cut this off and take care of my gooey, nasty, rice mess? Cause goodness knows, it only gets worse the longer you leave it!
Of all of the things in ministry, I think Pastoral Care is what I am going to struggle the most with. Not because I can’t talk to or listen to people… I do it all the time. I have for years. My past residents used to tell me that I listened as well as I wrote them up for stupidity (which was quite often and quite thorough). The struggle for me comes with putting them on the back burner every now and then while I take care of myself. I run myself ragged and when I finally have time for me, all I can do is roll over and go to sleep. I think something else that comes into play is that I am scared to handle my own problems. If I have problems, I am no longer in control. Why do I like playing trumpet? Because theoretically, I am in complete control. Letting go and trusting someone to help me gives up even more control. I am not looking at my own problems from an outside perspective so I can’t really “predict” what will happen based on my actions- I only know what I want to happen. And even worse than loss of control, what if I take care of myself, but it hurts or disappoints someone in the process?
So, I guess this is my focal point for a while… I always love a new challenge :) And of course, that is another problem to work on… I can’t say no very easily. Not starting on this one though!
Night y’all
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Life Update
After skimming through the latest posts, I realized that I haven’t done much in the way of a weekly update (something that I have “promised” people back home). So, let’s get down to business!
I have no completed my first week of the fall semester. I have a decent course load that on paper looks on the verge of being heavy, but I think it will work out very nicely- New Testament, History of Christianity, Pastoral Care, Spiritual Formation, and Choir. All classes are going really well so far, however there is a ton of reading. Some reading is “optional” but it is that “optional” where if you don’t read, you don’t know what is going on in class, while other reading is required to the point that you somehow have to figure out information that isn’t even included. All this being said, I love the reading which is definitely a first for me. I have never actually enjoyed any reading for any class, but “relaxing” for me is actually sitting down to read this stuff. Did you know that Christians were considered Atheists at the beginning???
I am still playing with Richmond Brass Consort on the side and have picked up a few gigs here and there. I actually played for the 200th convocation for UPSem this weekend. Something about being thanked by name by Brian Blount (the President) by name at the beginning of the service… kinda builds the ego! I have also joined the UPSem A Capella group (this is where I remind you that I have not done choir of any sort since 4th grade and typically avoid any singing situation…) and am really enjoying that so far. I definitely won’t take that to the point my younger sister has, which is probably why she isn’t phased by the fact that I’m doing it- she knows I will never go beyond my jah bah dah stuff!
Finally, a while back I mentioned the possibility of jobs. Well, I have managed to pick up a few miscellaneous jobs but nothing too big. In addition to my occasional trumpet gigs, I am a fill-in babysitter, substitute alto in the church choir down the street (again… why am I singing so much now??), and a student photographer for UPSem events. It has really worked out because each one pays decently when I do them, but none are really involved and leave lots of room for my studies. It helps that I am not in desperate need of a job thanks to my ridiculous amount of scholarship applications that I did this past spring, but it is really nice to have extra pocket money and some to tuck away for the future and to pay off loans (ugg).
So, for now that is about it. Nothing terribly exciting going on, but then again it all feels so normal now. I am really loving it here and am 100% sure that this is where I am supposed to be and that everything I did to prepare for coming here, no matter how hard or easy, was exactly right. I have incredible friends that I can lean on and they lean on me. The professors are absolutely amazing (I have never hung on every word of a lecture the way I do in New Testament). Every morning that I wake up to go to class, I get that warm fuzzy feeling that you get when something perfect happens. There have been some hard times along the way including a few of the typical disappointments that belong in a 23 year old girl’s life- the tough quiz, occasional loneliness and missing my kitten, the crushed crush, the boredom that comes on a Saturday afternoon with antenna TV showing only football… but as I said on a facebook status earlier today,
I truly do have a million and one things to smile about, and I am sure tomorrow will present another. Thanks to everyone for your continued thoughts, prayers, and support. I am continually overwhelmed with your graciousness and want you all to know that I could never do it without you! This is only the beginning, and I hope that you will all continue to join me until the end…
I have no completed my first week of the fall semester. I have a decent course load that on paper looks on the verge of being heavy, but I think it will work out very nicely- New Testament, History of Christianity, Pastoral Care, Spiritual Formation, and Choir. All classes are going really well so far, however there is a ton of reading. Some reading is “optional” but it is that “optional” where if you don’t read, you don’t know what is going on in class, while other reading is required to the point that you somehow have to figure out information that isn’t even included. All this being said, I love the reading which is definitely a first for me. I have never actually enjoyed any reading for any class, but “relaxing” for me is actually sitting down to read this stuff. Did you know that Christians were considered Atheists at the beginning???
I am still playing with Richmond Brass Consort on the side and have picked up a few gigs here and there. I actually played for the 200th convocation for UPSem this weekend. Something about being thanked by name by Brian Blount (the President) by name at the beginning of the service… kinda builds the ego! I have also joined the UPSem A Capella group (this is where I remind you that I have not done choir of any sort since 4th grade and typically avoid any singing situation…) and am really enjoying that so far. I definitely won’t take that to the point my younger sister has, which is probably why she isn’t phased by the fact that I’m doing it- she knows I will never go beyond my jah bah dah stuff!
Finally, a while back I mentioned the possibility of jobs. Well, I have managed to pick up a few miscellaneous jobs but nothing too big. In addition to my occasional trumpet gigs, I am a fill-in babysitter, substitute alto in the church choir down the street (again… why am I singing so much now??), and a student photographer for UPSem events. It has really worked out because each one pays decently when I do them, but none are really involved and leave lots of room for my studies. It helps that I am not in desperate need of a job thanks to my ridiculous amount of scholarship applications that I did this past spring, but it is really nice to have extra pocket money and some to tuck away for the future and to pay off loans (ugg).
So, for now that is about it. Nothing terribly exciting going on, but then again it all feels so normal now. I am really loving it here and am 100% sure that this is where I am supposed to be and that everything I did to prepare for coming here, no matter how hard or easy, was exactly right. I have incredible friends that I can lean on and they lean on me. The professors are absolutely amazing (I have never hung on every word of a lecture the way I do in New Testament). Every morning that I wake up to go to class, I get that warm fuzzy feeling that you get when something perfect happens. There have been some hard times along the way including a few of the typical disappointments that belong in a 23 year old girl’s life- the tough quiz, occasional loneliness and missing my kitten, the crushed crush, the boredom that comes on a Saturday afternoon with antenna TV showing only football… but as I said on a facebook status earlier today,
“Repeating something in hopes that it actually becomes true may not really work, but nothing can stop a smile from really making you happy :) It also helps when you have a million and one things to smile about all the time!”
I truly do have a million and one things to smile about, and I am sure tomorrow will present another. Thanks to everyone for your continued thoughts, prayers, and support. I am continually overwhelmed with your graciousness and want you all to know that I could never do it without you! This is only the beginning, and I hope that you will all continue to join me until the end…
Thursday, September 15, 2011
An interesting attempt at Exegesis...
In New Testament this week, we have been talking about Matthew 14: 22-33. This is the part of scripture that talks about the disciples being sent out to sea by Jesus, having a really rough night due to the storm, and then Jesus coming and by Peter’s request, commanding Peter to walk on water. Peter begins to walk on water, but sinks when he looks around and notices the strong winds. Jesus immediately reaches out to him, grabs him, and takes him back to the boat asking why he doubted. At this point, all the people on the boat take notice and recognize Jesus as the Son of God.
Today in section, we began talking about exegesis which is basically when you really break it all down at different levels and see what is really being said. One of the things you are supposed to look at when you initially read the scripture is who do you identify with? Well, I am now about to close out my first week of actual classes of seminary, I have previously mentioned that I feel that my call has changed (or rather my understanding of my call has changed), and the whole personal life is just a bit insane with all of the changes of adding in new people and new dynamics with both new and old. I look at everything that has gone on the last few weeks and today and I feel like I identify with different characters in the story, at different levels.
First, Jesus dismisses the disciples in a kind of no questions asked way. He has just fed thousands of people and is tired. What seminarian ISN’T tired at the end of the day??? We exegete, read, write, study, pray, and at UPSEM, we play Frisbee or football all day. I completely understand the whole wanting peace and quiet so that he can gather his thoughts and get ready for the next day. Actually, that is what I am doing right now… Everyone is upstairs and I realized it was time that I pull away and have some much needed me time… at least for a few minutes (so of course the first thing I did was sit down and pull of Word so that I could write a blog….).
Then there is Peter, the one is probably really ticked off with Jesus and doesn’t have much patience for him (just my guess). I mean, here Jesus has sent them away for one of, if not the first time that he is seperate from the disciples, and he doesn’t just send them away… he sends them into a ridiculous storm in the middle of the night. Then, once fourth watch (or morning) comes around, here he comes walking across the water (he couldn’t be human and swim? Really???) and Peter thinks “hey, you really did us in last night, let’s see that you are who you say you are”. The interesting thing here isn’t that Peter is “testing” Jesus by saying “IF you are JC”, but in the proper Greek translation, he says “SINCE you are JC”. So really, Peter knows exactly who he is, but really he is just tired and annoyed after spending all night fighting a storm, so he tells Jesus to command him to walk on water. Of course, he does, but when he looks around and sees the trials, he begins to sink. Yea. I know how you feel Peter. Here I am in a whole new situation, taking on a thousand new things and none of them are anything I really know how to do. Exegete? What? The closest thing I know is just speaking my mind (which it turns out is pretty close to what I am supposed to do… who knew??). Question everything I believe in? Reach out, waaaayyyy beyond my limits, taking on new tasks, new temptations, new trials and all encompassing at that… because, NEWSFLASH, seminary aint just about reading the Bible people. We have the same mess going on here that goes on at every school, so don’t think that we are any more well behaved or separated from all of it. What do you think I am escaping from right now?? I have taken on this call… one that terrified but excited me from the beginning. I came here, leaving a life behind but starting a new one. Now, I am in class, in new social situations, new jobs, new expectations and I won’t lie… I sink. I have tonight. I probably will in the next 24 hours. But here is the thing, the scripture says Jesus IMMEDIATELY reached his hand and grabbed Peter. Yes, Peter was terrified and thought that was probably the end, but Jesus still reached out and saved him. The funny thing about this is that I hadn’t even been down in my room for five minutes before I felt that hand reach out to me and pull me back above water, through a friend that honestly I didn’t expect, even as much as I love her.
Then there are the disciples, staying on the boat and watching. Honestly, I think they are probably waiting for it to get good so they can jump in. They recognize that they are scared and stay back for that reason. Is that bad? I don’t think so. I kinda think it is smart in a way. Who would want to take on something like walking on water… really?? Peter has lost his mind. I identify there as well, and it’s funny because I didn’t earlier. The whole wait it out, join in when it is safe… we all do it, and I really don’t think Jesus is hurt by it. Yes, he asks Peter (and I’m sure it was rhetorical for all disciples) why he doubted him. However, as we talked about today, we don’t know if he was angry, sympathetic, non-chalant… I tend to think that he was almost sympathetic and the “mother” type in this situation. Why did you doubt that he would take care of you? He loves you!! UNCONDITIONALLY!!!
So, here I sit, at my desk very tired, both emotionally and physically for a thousand different reasons. I have had my moments this week where I was ready to jump out and walk on water, I have also sunk, and I have also left everyone in need of a break for me. Is it bad? Absolutely not! I may even think that some of my reasoning is flawed and I shouldn’t feel the way I do about some things, but as my friend so kindly reminded me a few minutes ago, IT IS OK. When Jesus said, “Oh you of little faith, why do you doubt me?” I don’t think he was judging. I think he was reaching out a hand and reassuring Peter that even though he did doubt the one time, JC is still and will always be there. I can sit here upset and/ or excited about a thousand things right now, and I can’t help but look down at the ring I have mentioned before. “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” This goes so well with this scripture. Jesus wouldn’t have commanded Peter to walk on water if he didn’t KNOW that Peter could do it, and that if he failed, he himself (JC) could catch him. I wouldn’t have been sent here, to these thousand challenges, if I couldn’t lean on God when I needed to. I will come through this, and every other challenge. I will always recognize at the end that Jesus is the Son of God, even if I might have a few not-so-nice words to say to him along the way. I’m sure Peter didn’t just think “oh well” when he started to sink…
So, coming from someone who should 1) be studying or 2) be taking a break and enjoying time with friends rather than writing a blog, it is ok to take time away for yourself when you feel overwhelmed, it is ok to sink, and it is also ok to stay on the boat and wait it out. I have spent so much time doing all three lately, and no matter how things end, Jesus is always there to grab you IMMEDIATELY… and who knows, that might be when you realize you really do have a friend in someone you hoped for but didn’t expect.
Today in section, we began talking about exegesis which is basically when you really break it all down at different levels and see what is really being said. One of the things you are supposed to look at when you initially read the scripture is who do you identify with? Well, I am now about to close out my first week of actual classes of seminary, I have previously mentioned that I feel that my call has changed (or rather my understanding of my call has changed), and the whole personal life is just a bit insane with all of the changes of adding in new people and new dynamics with both new and old. I look at everything that has gone on the last few weeks and today and I feel like I identify with different characters in the story, at different levels.
First, Jesus dismisses the disciples in a kind of no questions asked way. He has just fed thousands of people and is tired. What seminarian ISN’T tired at the end of the day??? We exegete, read, write, study, pray, and at UPSEM, we play Frisbee or football all day. I completely understand the whole wanting peace and quiet so that he can gather his thoughts and get ready for the next day. Actually, that is what I am doing right now… Everyone is upstairs and I realized it was time that I pull away and have some much needed me time… at least for a few minutes (so of course the first thing I did was sit down and pull of Word so that I could write a blog….).
Then there is Peter, the one is probably really ticked off with Jesus and doesn’t have much patience for him (just my guess). I mean, here Jesus has sent them away for one of, if not the first time that he is seperate from the disciples, and he doesn’t just send them away… he sends them into a ridiculous storm in the middle of the night. Then, once fourth watch (or morning) comes around, here he comes walking across the water (he couldn’t be human and swim? Really???) and Peter thinks “hey, you really did us in last night, let’s see that you are who you say you are”. The interesting thing here isn’t that Peter is “testing” Jesus by saying “IF you are JC”, but in the proper Greek translation, he says “SINCE you are JC”. So really, Peter knows exactly who he is, but really he is just tired and annoyed after spending all night fighting a storm, so he tells Jesus to command him to walk on water. Of course, he does, but when he looks around and sees the trials, he begins to sink. Yea. I know how you feel Peter. Here I am in a whole new situation, taking on a thousand new things and none of them are anything I really know how to do. Exegete? What? The closest thing I know is just speaking my mind (which it turns out is pretty close to what I am supposed to do… who knew??). Question everything I believe in? Reach out, waaaayyyy beyond my limits, taking on new tasks, new temptations, new trials and all encompassing at that… because, NEWSFLASH, seminary aint just about reading the Bible people. We have the same mess going on here that goes on at every school, so don’t think that we are any more well behaved or separated from all of it. What do you think I am escaping from right now?? I have taken on this call… one that terrified but excited me from the beginning. I came here, leaving a life behind but starting a new one. Now, I am in class, in new social situations, new jobs, new expectations and I won’t lie… I sink. I have tonight. I probably will in the next 24 hours. But here is the thing, the scripture says Jesus IMMEDIATELY reached his hand and grabbed Peter. Yes, Peter was terrified and thought that was probably the end, but Jesus still reached out and saved him. The funny thing about this is that I hadn’t even been down in my room for five minutes before I felt that hand reach out to me and pull me back above water, through a friend that honestly I didn’t expect, even as much as I love her.
Then there are the disciples, staying on the boat and watching. Honestly, I think they are probably waiting for it to get good so they can jump in. They recognize that they are scared and stay back for that reason. Is that bad? I don’t think so. I kinda think it is smart in a way. Who would want to take on something like walking on water… really?? Peter has lost his mind. I identify there as well, and it’s funny because I didn’t earlier. The whole wait it out, join in when it is safe… we all do it, and I really don’t think Jesus is hurt by it. Yes, he asks Peter (and I’m sure it was rhetorical for all disciples) why he doubted him. However, as we talked about today, we don’t know if he was angry, sympathetic, non-chalant… I tend to think that he was almost sympathetic and the “mother” type in this situation. Why did you doubt that he would take care of you? He loves you!! UNCONDITIONALLY!!!
So, here I sit, at my desk very tired, both emotionally and physically for a thousand different reasons. I have had my moments this week where I was ready to jump out and walk on water, I have also sunk, and I have also left everyone in need of a break for me. Is it bad? Absolutely not! I may even think that some of my reasoning is flawed and I shouldn’t feel the way I do about some things, but as my friend so kindly reminded me a few minutes ago, IT IS OK. When Jesus said, “Oh you of little faith, why do you doubt me?” I don’t think he was judging. I think he was reaching out a hand and reassuring Peter that even though he did doubt the one time, JC is still and will always be there. I can sit here upset and/ or excited about a thousand things right now, and I can’t help but look down at the ring I have mentioned before. “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” This goes so well with this scripture. Jesus wouldn’t have commanded Peter to walk on water if he didn’t KNOW that Peter could do it, and that if he failed, he himself (JC) could catch him. I wouldn’t have been sent here, to these thousand challenges, if I couldn’t lean on God when I needed to. I will come through this, and every other challenge. I will always recognize at the end that Jesus is the Son of God, even if I might have a few not-so-nice words to say to him along the way. I’m sure Peter didn’t just think “oh well” when he started to sink…
So, coming from someone who should 1) be studying or 2) be taking a break and enjoying time with friends rather than writing a blog, it is ok to take time away for yourself when you feel overwhelmed, it is ok to sink, and it is also ok to stay on the boat and wait it out. I have spent so much time doing all three lately, and no matter how things end, Jesus is always there to grab you IMMEDIATELY… and who knows, that might be when you realize you really do have a friend in someone you hoped for but didn’t expect.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
2 months ago... or 2 years ago??
There is something very relaxing about sitting in my room with the windows open and not hearing anything but the bugs and birds… and the occasional race car warming up for the race (that or the people on Chamberlayne think they are in the race). Also, knowing that I have nothing to study, no one to be accountable to, and not even 48 hours left that this is the case forces me to relax a bit as well.
I was sitting in this same seat only two months ago, excited and nervous for Greek. The only thing that has changed in the way I feel is that I am at ease after surviving Greek, but still excited and nervous for everything else! I have seen only one of the four syllabi for this semester and I am already freaked out a bit. This is so much more than I expected, but it also isn’t. The work load is only a tiny bit more intense than what I am used to from undergrad, but that doesn’t match my much “lighter” looking schedule. This grad school thing is really messing with my mind!
Other things have changed in the last two months as well. I can definitely say that I myself have changed in a number of ways, and I am so happy I did! The dynamics of our group have changed some, but I wouldn’t say in a bad way. Even the way that I am discerning my call has changed… a whole lot more than I expected this soon. Once I can work it out some more I will definitely post about that, but all I can say is I have flipped to the other side of the coin.
I think I noticed most of the changes this week. New people moved in and we had orientation for all new students. The first is one that I have been looking forward to and dreading all summer. As I mentioned in a previous post, I love our family that has been built here and as excited as I was to meet new people, I was worried about what would happen to us. Well, thankfully all of the new students came in and either fell right in step with everything going on already or stayed back. I hate that some have stayed back, but that also seems to be mostly commuter students so I understand that it can be hard when we mostly hang out at night. Some dynamics did change slightly as there are more people to separate into smaller groups, but thankfully that has only been for the better!
Orientation was something that I still am not sure how relevant a lot of it was for those of us that have been here all summer, as we figured most of it out on our own already. I think the key that happened for me was worship following service day. I was asked to share a testimony about my experience that day, and thankfully I am not a huge NASCAR fan otherwise this might have been more nervewracking than it already was (worship was sponsored by Motor Racing Outreach and was attended by Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne, as well as drivers Blake Koche and Michael McDowell). So, this is basically what I said (I wrote it down first so that’s the only reason I have it…)-
“This afternoon our group went to Salvation Army Homeless Shelter to help organize and clean the dining hall and kitchen areas. Saying that this place was dirty is putting it lightly. Some of us organized the food pantry while others cleaned mildewed walls in the freezer. We also got to talk to some of the regular volunteers, one of which was particularly excited to have a group of Seminary students there and asked us questions ranging from “What does Presbyterian mean?” (I was very excited to be able to pull out my recently acquired Greek knowledge) to what should he do when someone is telling him that what he believes is wrong? Being a first year, I was very intimidated by the questions but also felt very reassured by the others as I tried my best to tell him my personal thoughts. Today was more than cleaning and organizing for me- I feel like I have a stronger relationship with returning students and feel a lot more confident in my call and presence here.”
Something about getting up in front of faculty, students, celebrities, one or two big wigs from PC(USA) and oh… Brian Blount, told me that I can do this. As I went up I joked that it was really scary (there was no podium or anything to really separate me and give me that feeling of protection), and it was. I made it through though, lots of people talked to me after and thanked me and told me that I did great… really everything you want to happen after something like that when it is your first time and you are the only first year to do it. I think that fear is what has held me back for so long from looking at the flip side of the coin, and now I am really liking it now. But like I said, more on that later when I really know what is going on.
So yea, two months ago I was starting Greek. First class in a year. Barely knew anyone. Was 98% confident in my call. Now, I am starting fall semester with four courses, know and love everyone, and am about 30% confident in what I am actually called to do. Is that bad? I really don’t think so! There is a reason that I am required to go through this process of Inquirer/ Candidate in order to be ordained, and it is working out exactly the way it is supposed to. I may not be 98% confident in what my call is, but I am more than 100% confident that it is right that I am here, that I AM called to ministry and as I learn more and gain more experience, that call will begin to be more clear once more.
2 months ago, I was a very different person. It feels like 2 years ago.
I was sitting in this same seat only two months ago, excited and nervous for Greek. The only thing that has changed in the way I feel is that I am at ease after surviving Greek, but still excited and nervous for everything else! I have seen only one of the four syllabi for this semester and I am already freaked out a bit. This is so much more than I expected, but it also isn’t. The work load is only a tiny bit more intense than what I am used to from undergrad, but that doesn’t match my much “lighter” looking schedule. This grad school thing is really messing with my mind!
Other things have changed in the last two months as well. I can definitely say that I myself have changed in a number of ways, and I am so happy I did! The dynamics of our group have changed some, but I wouldn’t say in a bad way. Even the way that I am discerning my call has changed… a whole lot more than I expected this soon. Once I can work it out some more I will definitely post about that, but all I can say is I have flipped to the other side of the coin.
I think I noticed most of the changes this week. New people moved in and we had orientation for all new students. The first is one that I have been looking forward to and dreading all summer. As I mentioned in a previous post, I love our family that has been built here and as excited as I was to meet new people, I was worried about what would happen to us. Well, thankfully all of the new students came in and either fell right in step with everything going on already or stayed back. I hate that some have stayed back, but that also seems to be mostly commuter students so I understand that it can be hard when we mostly hang out at night. Some dynamics did change slightly as there are more people to separate into smaller groups, but thankfully that has only been for the better!
Orientation was something that I still am not sure how relevant a lot of it was for those of us that have been here all summer, as we figured most of it out on our own already. I think the key that happened for me was worship following service day. I was asked to share a testimony about my experience that day, and thankfully I am not a huge NASCAR fan otherwise this might have been more nervewracking than it already was (worship was sponsored by Motor Racing Outreach and was attended by Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne, as well as drivers Blake Koche and Michael McDowell). So, this is basically what I said (I wrote it down first so that’s the only reason I have it…)-
“This afternoon our group went to Salvation Army Homeless Shelter to help organize and clean the dining hall and kitchen areas. Saying that this place was dirty is putting it lightly. Some of us organized the food pantry while others cleaned mildewed walls in the freezer. We also got to talk to some of the regular volunteers, one of which was particularly excited to have a group of Seminary students there and asked us questions ranging from “What does Presbyterian mean?” (I was very excited to be able to pull out my recently acquired Greek knowledge) to what should he do when someone is telling him that what he believes is wrong? Being a first year, I was very intimidated by the questions but also felt very reassured by the others as I tried my best to tell him my personal thoughts. Today was more than cleaning and organizing for me- I feel like I have a stronger relationship with returning students and feel a lot more confident in my call and presence here.”
Something about getting up in front of faculty, students, celebrities, one or two big wigs from PC(USA) and oh… Brian Blount, told me that I can do this. As I went up I joked that it was really scary (there was no podium or anything to really separate me and give me that feeling of protection), and it was. I made it through though, lots of people talked to me after and thanked me and told me that I did great… really everything you want to happen after something like that when it is your first time and you are the only first year to do it. I think that fear is what has held me back for so long from looking at the flip side of the coin, and now I am really liking it now. But like I said, more on that later when I really know what is going on.
So yea, two months ago I was starting Greek. First class in a year. Barely knew anyone. Was 98% confident in my call. Now, I am starting fall semester with four courses, know and love everyone, and am about 30% confident in what I am actually called to do. Is that bad? I really don’t think so! There is a reason that I am required to go through this process of Inquirer/ Candidate in order to be ordained, and it is working out exactly the way it is supposed to. I may not be 98% confident in what my call is, but I am more than 100% confident that it is right that I am here, that I AM called to ministry and as I learn more and gain more experience, that call will begin to be more clear once more.
2 months ago, I was a very different person. It feels like 2 years ago.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Where Were You?
One of my favorite songs, and one that I am sure is being played way too much this week is “Where Were You” by Alan Jackson. This song always makes me tear up, but has so much more meaning this week. Not only is this a great song, but it is also based a question that I have talked about a thousand times with a thousand different people, and look back on with so much prayer this week.
Where was I? I was an eighth grader enjoying a morning at home during track out. I wanted a trumpet lesson so I called my Grandfather to see if they could come pick my baby sister and myself up. Before I could ask Grandaddy, he told me to hold on, that a plane had just crashed into the twin towers. Like I said, I was in eighth grade so I really had no idea what that meant so he clarified that it was the WTC and right away I knew this wasn’t good. Noel was upset because I changed the channel from Disney to the News (for some reason I feel like we weren’t supposed to be watching TV anyway…). Every time a plane went overhead, I was terrified. I watched the second plane crash, standing there with my little sister. The rest of the day was spent with my Grandparents, Aunt, and cousins. I was furious because I wasn’t allowed to watch the coverage because according to my Aunt, I was too young and impressionable. Instead, we set up a black and white TV in the lesson room and watched cartoons- me, my 5th grade sister, 4 year old cousin, and I guess 1 year old cousin (maybe 2 years old). I never got my trumpet lesson.
I am probably in one of the younger groups that really remembers, and understood at the time what was happening. I don’t know that my sister understood, she definitely didn’t think it was important enough to take the place of Disney, but how could she know differently? You don’t really start talking about things like the WTC until Middle School. Part of me wishes I could have been at school that day. I never got to take part in the assemblies that I think would have meant so much. I didn’t get to be with my friends who needed support and would have supported me. I was young, but I new that this was a terrible thing and I remember saying right away “it was a terrorist attack”, before the news confirmed it. I was old enough to begin to grasp it, and I was terrified. My older sister was at school (she was in 11th grade), and I remember hearing that one of the band students lost family and had to watch it happen. I remember finding out that my cousin was supposed to be working in one of the buildings that day, but was running late. I was constantly terrified that one of my other cousins would be called away for service with the Army, and oddly enough he never went, but another cousin was deployed this year. I lived in Raleigh, was 13 years old, and didn’t even know what the twin towers were before that morning, yet it still has such a great impact on my life.
In the years following 9/11, I got to see Ground Zero twice. The first time, everything was covered in snow and you could barely see your hand in front of your face, yet there was a very eery feeling. The following week I went back on another trip and actually saw it this time. I saw the remaining rubble. I saw the cross that remained standing when everything else fell. I was able to stand there and remember where I was that day, and remember all those affected by it. We visited the church across the street, with tears streaming down our faces. The comfort in all of this was recognizing how far we had come in those 3 short years, in so many ways.
When I remember 9/11 though, I try not to think about my anger at not being able to watch. I don’t think about laying in Mom’s bed the next week watching the hour special on ABC, seeing everything I didn’t see before. I don’t think about the fear that I had that morning, home alone with my baby sister trying to make sense of things on my own because you couldn’t even make a phone call (I was lucky to make the one to my Grandparents). I think about the cross that remained when everything else fell. I think of the church across the street that stayed strong as the rest of the world came crashing down around it.
Yes, 9/11 was a tragic incident that I will never forget. It has changed our personal lives, our country, and the world. It is something that is very difficult to look back on without sadness in our hearts. However, I think that as we approach the 10th anniversary of this tragic day, we should remember first and foremost that this is the day that we came together. This is probably the only day in the history that we ourselves can vividly remember (especially those around my age), that there was no longer black or white, rich or poor, Christian or Muslim (unfortunately, probably the last day that Muslim’s were not “cast out” so to speak, as we did not yet know the circumstances of the hijacking). The United States, and I would even say the world, were exactly what the scripture means when it says “one body”. We watched, cried, prayed, sat, listened, spoke, and worshiped together- for that one single day. That day was quite possibly the strongest that this country has ever been in my 23 years of life, and even beyond.
The tragic events of that day tore down our buildings, took lives of our loved ones, more than shook our government, and have led to so much despair ever since. However, those tragic events also built up our community in ways that nothing else ever could. As we remember 9/11 throughout the rest of this week and the weeks and years to come, lets not forget the incredible things that came from it (I am in no way saying that this was a good thing, because it is the worst thing that I ever remember happening to our country). Lets come together again, rich and poor, black and white, Christian AND Muslim. Lets form the single body of Christ once more, and keep it. It is ok to be sad and afraid, but the pain is lessened just a bit when we are together. We are so much stronger when we stand together and even though our buildings may come crashing down around us, our economy crashes through floor, our government doesn’t know which way is up, and we have people fielding phone calls and emails and webpages and who knows how many other forms of threat our country, no one can ever bring down the one single body of Jesus Christ.
No matter your ethnicity, race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, weight, appearance, age, job… reach out to your neighbor and REMEMBER not just the bad, but the good. Because when you play “Red Rover” at camp, we all know the stronger the grip between each person, the harder it is for the “enemy” to break through.
Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you in the yard with your wife and children
Or working on some stage in L.A.?
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black smoke
Risin' against that blue sky?
Did you shout out in anger, in fear for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry?
Did you weep for the children who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don't know?
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below?
Did you burst out in pride for the red, white and blue
And the heroes who died just doin' what they do?
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself and what really matters?
[Chorus:]
I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell
you the difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love
Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you teaching a class full of innocent children
Or driving down some cold interstate?
Did you feel guilty 'cause you're a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone?
Did you call up your mother and tell her you loved her?
Did you dust off that Bible at home?
Did you open your eyes, hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep?
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Or speak to some stranger on the street?
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Or go out and buy you a gun?
Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watchin'
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns?
Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers
Did you stand in line and give your own blood?
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love?
[Repeat Chorus 2x]
And the greatest is love.
And the greatest is love.
Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?
"Where Were You?" Alan Jackson
Where was I? I was an eighth grader enjoying a morning at home during track out. I wanted a trumpet lesson so I called my Grandfather to see if they could come pick my baby sister and myself up. Before I could ask Grandaddy, he told me to hold on, that a plane had just crashed into the twin towers. Like I said, I was in eighth grade so I really had no idea what that meant so he clarified that it was the WTC and right away I knew this wasn’t good. Noel was upset because I changed the channel from Disney to the News (for some reason I feel like we weren’t supposed to be watching TV anyway…). Every time a plane went overhead, I was terrified. I watched the second plane crash, standing there with my little sister. The rest of the day was spent with my Grandparents, Aunt, and cousins. I was furious because I wasn’t allowed to watch the coverage because according to my Aunt, I was too young and impressionable. Instead, we set up a black and white TV in the lesson room and watched cartoons- me, my 5th grade sister, 4 year old cousin, and I guess 1 year old cousin (maybe 2 years old). I never got my trumpet lesson.
I am probably in one of the younger groups that really remembers, and understood at the time what was happening. I don’t know that my sister understood, she definitely didn’t think it was important enough to take the place of Disney, but how could she know differently? You don’t really start talking about things like the WTC until Middle School. Part of me wishes I could have been at school that day. I never got to take part in the assemblies that I think would have meant so much. I didn’t get to be with my friends who needed support and would have supported me. I was young, but I new that this was a terrible thing and I remember saying right away “it was a terrorist attack”, before the news confirmed it. I was old enough to begin to grasp it, and I was terrified. My older sister was at school (she was in 11th grade), and I remember hearing that one of the band students lost family and had to watch it happen. I remember finding out that my cousin was supposed to be working in one of the buildings that day, but was running late. I was constantly terrified that one of my other cousins would be called away for service with the Army, and oddly enough he never went, but another cousin was deployed this year. I lived in Raleigh, was 13 years old, and didn’t even know what the twin towers were before that morning, yet it still has such a great impact on my life.
In the years following 9/11, I got to see Ground Zero twice. The first time, everything was covered in snow and you could barely see your hand in front of your face, yet there was a very eery feeling. The following week I went back on another trip and actually saw it this time. I saw the remaining rubble. I saw the cross that remained standing when everything else fell. I was able to stand there and remember where I was that day, and remember all those affected by it. We visited the church across the street, with tears streaming down our faces. The comfort in all of this was recognizing how far we had come in those 3 short years, in so many ways.
When I remember 9/11 though, I try not to think about my anger at not being able to watch. I don’t think about laying in Mom’s bed the next week watching the hour special on ABC, seeing everything I didn’t see before. I don’t think about the fear that I had that morning, home alone with my baby sister trying to make sense of things on my own because you couldn’t even make a phone call (I was lucky to make the one to my Grandparents). I think about the cross that remained when everything else fell. I think of the church across the street that stayed strong as the rest of the world came crashing down around it.
Yes, 9/11 was a tragic incident that I will never forget. It has changed our personal lives, our country, and the world. It is something that is very difficult to look back on without sadness in our hearts. However, I think that as we approach the 10th anniversary of this tragic day, we should remember first and foremost that this is the day that we came together. This is probably the only day in the history that we ourselves can vividly remember (especially those around my age), that there was no longer black or white, rich or poor, Christian or Muslim (unfortunately, probably the last day that Muslim’s were not “cast out” so to speak, as we did not yet know the circumstances of the hijacking). The United States, and I would even say the world, were exactly what the scripture means when it says “one body”. We watched, cried, prayed, sat, listened, spoke, and worshiped together- for that one single day. That day was quite possibly the strongest that this country has ever been in my 23 years of life, and even beyond.
The tragic events of that day tore down our buildings, took lives of our loved ones, more than shook our government, and have led to so much despair ever since. However, those tragic events also built up our community in ways that nothing else ever could. As we remember 9/11 throughout the rest of this week and the weeks and years to come, lets not forget the incredible things that came from it (I am in no way saying that this was a good thing, because it is the worst thing that I ever remember happening to our country). Lets come together again, rich and poor, black and white, Christian AND Muslim. Lets form the single body of Christ once more, and keep it. It is ok to be sad and afraid, but the pain is lessened just a bit when we are together. We are so much stronger when we stand together and even though our buildings may come crashing down around us, our economy crashes through floor, our government doesn’t know which way is up, and we have people fielding phone calls and emails and webpages and who knows how many other forms of threat our country, no one can ever bring down the one single body of Jesus Christ.
No matter your ethnicity, race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, weight, appearance, age, job… reach out to your neighbor and REMEMBER not just the bad, but the good. Because when you play “Red Rover” at camp, we all know the stronger the grip between each person, the harder it is for the “enemy” to break through.
Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you in the yard with your wife and children
Or working on some stage in L.A.?
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black smoke
Risin' against that blue sky?
Did you shout out in anger, in fear for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry?
Did you weep for the children who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don't know?
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below?
Did you burst out in pride for the red, white and blue
And the heroes who died just doin' what they do?
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself and what really matters?
[Chorus:]
I'm just a singer of simple songs
I'm not a real political man
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell
you the difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love
Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you teaching a class full of innocent children
Or driving down some cold interstate?
Did you feel guilty 'cause you're a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone?
Did you call up your mother and tell her you loved her?
Did you dust off that Bible at home?
Did you open your eyes, hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep?
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Or speak to some stranger on the street?
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Or go out and buy you a gun?
Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watchin'
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns?
Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers
Did you stand in line and give your own blood?
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love?
[Repeat Chorus 2x]
And the greatest is love.
And the greatest is love.
Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?
"Where Were You?" Alan Jackson
Monday, September 5, 2011
Personal Unloading Dock
It's going to be a bit more personal tonight cause for some reason I seem to be struggling with that lately- the whole put what I think out there. I think part of that is I am so excited about everything going on with my friends, I get wrapped up in what they are doing and forget about what I am doing. That and I am constantly trying to find things to write about in here and for some reason feel like putting my own life and feelings out there is bad. But here is the thing- my life and feelings are what fuel my posts... so I guess this is like a "making of" post.
Life is great, but I am struggling up here in different ways. It takes these late nights and empty days to put it in my line of sight though. I guess that is a good thing. This past week has been full of it though. For some reason I can't bring myself to say it out loud though. I am here because I was called by God, so theoretically there shouldn't be anything to be sad about or to worry about, right???? I need to be ridiculously happy 24/7 with no worries in the world, ready to take on anything they throw at me. The reality of it? I am terrified. Sure, I made it through one class already but that wasn't one that tested my beliefs. It was one that required me to just do lots of flashcards. Am I up for the challenge of having someone question what I have believed all my life? Am I ready to question myself?
I got thinking about it tonight while we are all out enjoying each others company and conversations. I mentioned to a friend that I just avoid the deep political discussions that take place because I prefer to not put my views out there. That's fine. I think in today's world it is probably best. But then I realized that even in our theological discussions, I can be very unsure of myself and hide behind everyone as they talk. I didn't grow up in the Presbyterian Church so there is still a whole lot that they talk about that I don't understand. In a lot of cases, I am not sure if what I believe is rooted in Disciples of Christ, Presbyterian, or reminiscent of my year in the Methodist church. My hiding goes back to why I refuse to practice trumpet when people can hear me- I don't want people to actually hear me when I am wrong or not doing well.
But I write in this blog! Figure that one out. I know I post all kinds of stuff in here that people may not agree with. My writing is terrible (honestly I am ashamed of a lot of it because I know I am capable of much more). But the thing that makes this "safe" for me is that sometimes one person reads what I post, other times it can reach as high as 80 people. I never know who it is though and no one ever responds (both good and bad I guess). It is my way of saying what is on my mind without feeling like I am being judged. Kind of a crazy thought that someone with a degree that says I can get out in front of people and perform can't stand saying what is REALLY on my mind.
Maybe part of it also goes to me not wanting to offend someone, I have already been pegged by my best friend here as being too nice sometimes. Even when I like a guy, I feel my way through SO MUCH as to make sure I do/ say the right things and don't rub him the wrong way, most of the time I miss out on the opportunity. That is something else I am working on and it goes back to a recent post- just being REAL. It's hard. But that is one reason I am doing this post tonight. A way to be REAL for a few minutes because I know that I can go to sleep in a few minutes and this will basically be history.
So, after all of this rambling about nothing really, I guess I should be real?? Here is a shot in the dark- I love being here, but I am terrified. I love my friends here, maybe one more than the others (and if y'all ask, I won't tell! :D). I feel bad about that because I feel like I should still be upset or at least not looking since I broke up with my ex only a few months ago and we dated for over a year. I also "can't" like them because of my own stupidity. I miss home and days like to day put me over the edge- nothing hurts more than knowing that I can't help when my family needs me. I miss trumpet terribly, but I just don't have it in me to pick it up and play right now because I know it won't sound the way it did even a year ago and that is proven every Tuesday when I go to rehearsal. Meanwhile, I have two gigs coming up that I have to get ready for. I feel like while so many people are so proud and excited for me and this adventure, I still feel like I let one person down and that kills me because he is one of the key people that helped me make this decision and I owe so much to him. There is a lot that I want to write about in all of my posts, but I am scared I will offend family and don't want to do that.
How's that? Well... I guess I will see how I feel when I wake up tomorrow. Don't get me wrong- I really am INCREDIBLY happy... honestly I don't think I have ever been this happy. I am answering a call from God and everything is working out so far. How can I not be happy knowing that I am doing something that incredible? Knowing that I have so much support back home and here? I go out more now than I ever did in college, and it is all because for the first time I would rather go out and enjoy discussions and fun with my friends rather than stay in and watch tv. Anyone that really knows me can see the change and it is a change that I am more than welcoming. However, even with all of that, I struggle at times and just have to get it off of my chest and for some reason can't bring myself to say it out loud or unload on one person. And trust me... God will hear all of this and everything I haven't said.
Life is great, but I am struggling up here in different ways. It takes these late nights and empty days to put it in my line of sight though. I guess that is a good thing. This past week has been full of it though. For some reason I can't bring myself to say it out loud though. I am here because I was called by God, so theoretically there shouldn't be anything to be sad about or to worry about, right???? I need to be ridiculously happy 24/7 with no worries in the world, ready to take on anything they throw at me. The reality of it? I am terrified. Sure, I made it through one class already but that wasn't one that tested my beliefs. It was one that required me to just do lots of flashcards. Am I up for the challenge of having someone question what I have believed all my life? Am I ready to question myself?
I got thinking about it tonight while we are all out enjoying each others company and conversations. I mentioned to a friend that I just avoid the deep political discussions that take place because I prefer to not put my views out there. That's fine. I think in today's world it is probably best. But then I realized that even in our theological discussions, I can be very unsure of myself and hide behind everyone as they talk. I didn't grow up in the Presbyterian Church so there is still a whole lot that they talk about that I don't understand. In a lot of cases, I am not sure if what I believe is rooted in Disciples of Christ, Presbyterian, or reminiscent of my year in the Methodist church. My hiding goes back to why I refuse to practice trumpet when people can hear me- I don't want people to actually hear me when I am wrong or not doing well.
But I write in this blog! Figure that one out. I know I post all kinds of stuff in here that people may not agree with. My writing is terrible (honestly I am ashamed of a lot of it because I know I am capable of much more). But the thing that makes this "safe" for me is that sometimes one person reads what I post, other times it can reach as high as 80 people. I never know who it is though and no one ever responds (both good and bad I guess). It is my way of saying what is on my mind without feeling like I am being judged. Kind of a crazy thought that someone with a degree that says I can get out in front of people and perform can't stand saying what is REALLY on my mind.
Maybe part of it also goes to me not wanting to offend someone, I have already been pegged by my best friend here as being too nice sometimes. Even when I like a guy, I feel my way through SO MUCH as to make sure I do/ say the right things and don't rub him the wrong way, most of the time I miss out on the opportunity. That is something else I am working on and it goes back to a recent post- just being REAL. It's hard. But that is one reason I am doing this post tonight. A way to be REAL for a few minutes because I know that I can go to sleep in a few minutes and this will basically be history.
So, after all of this rambling about nothing really, I guess I should be real?? Here is a shot in the dark- I love being here, but I am terrified. I love my friends here, maybe one more than the others (and if y'all ask, I won't tell! :D). I feel bad about that because I feel like I should still be upset or at least not looking since I broke up with my ex only a few months ago and we dated for over a year. I also "can't" like them because of my own stupidity. I miss home and days like to day put me over the edge- nothing hurts more than knowing that I can't help when my family needs me. I miss trumpet terribly, but I just don't have it in me to pick it up and play right now because I know it won't sound the way it did even a year ago and that is proven every Tuesday when I go to rehearsal. Meanwhile, I have two gigs coming up that I have to get ready for. I feel like while so many people are so proud and excited for me and this adventure, I still feel like I let one person down and that kills me because he is one of the key people that helped me make this decision and I owe so much to him. There is a lot that I want to write about in all of my posts, but I am scared I will offend family and don't want to do that.
How's that? Well... I guess I will see how I feel when I wake up tomorrow. Don't get me wrong- I really am INCREDIBLY happy... honestly I don't think I have ever been this happy. I am answering a call from God and everything is working out so far. How can I not be happy knowing that I am doing something that incredible? Knowing that I have so much support back home and here? I go out more now than I ever did in college, and it is all because for the first time I would rather go out and enjoy discussions and fun with my friends rather than stay in and watch tv. Anyone that really knows me can see the change and it is a change that I am more than welcoming. However, even with all of that, I struggle at times and just have to get it off of my chest and for some reason can't bring myself to say it out loud or unload on one person. And trust me... God will hear all of this and everything I haven't said.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Change Your ACTS
I am half reading a book right now (only half because I just really don’t want to do much “academic” stuff right now…) by Susan E. Isaacs called “Angry Conversations with God”. I knew nothing about it when I picked it up except that it was free and I wanted to be doing something other than Greek before I went to bed at night, but after reading the first few pages I was hooked. Something about being extremely blunt and straight forward with God is very appealing to me.
Forgive me if this is a re-write of sorts of an old post (honestly I don’t keep track of them, I just write what is on my mind), but I am a huge fan of the being real with God. Yes, he is God and yes, he is just slightly important, but that doesn’t mean that you have to always be loving and happy and the world is perfect with him. Some of my best nights for sleeping have been after I completely unloaded on God, everything that was good and bad, tears, maybe a bit of cursing here and there, and just saying what was really on my mind. Things that you can’t tell to your friends or family, or maybe just don’t even want to say out loud- he knows them all, so why not take advantage of the fact that he is always loving and already knows it, and just finally say it?
Well, the premise of this book is that this girl feels like while God loves everyone, he has deserted her. A lady from church reminds her that her relationship with God is like a marriage, so the main character (Susan, I believe) takes God to marriage counseling. Crazy concept, but very interesting… Well, she sits down with a counselor and personifies God in conversations as she works out what is going on. It get’s brutal at points. I love it.
All of this is a reminder to me to not block out the things that are wrong in life. Every night I try to make a point to pray before I go to sleep and I go through the ACTS thing that I learned growing up (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication) which is very helpful, but where is there room to vent? “God, you are great. I screwed up today. Thanks for everything. Amen.” Really?? How often is that really what you want to say to God? How often is life good enough that you can completely ignore all the crap throughout the day (sorry to be so blunt, but isn’t that what this about?)? I think it does us all some good to completely let go and put it all out there.
Last night, I had a very enjoyable dinner and evening with one of my best friends. We talked about everything, really. However, I am sure I wasn’t the only one that may have held a few things back during parts of the conversation. 2+ hours of being completely open, but not. There are just some things that no one wants to say out loud because we might be ashamed, or maybe it just makes it too real, or maybe it just hurts. While we would like to think that we can be 100% open with our friends, we know that we never are. However, with God, you can be and you should be. Trust me, he can handle it.
So, all this being said, I am sure there are some people that are still saying that you can’t yell at God or be angry with him, you should fear him and never cross that road. This is my response- when you get in an argument with someone, don’t you ask them to change something, or take some action to help you in some way? Don’t you ask for guidance in some way or for forgiveness? So really, by venting and handing it all over to God, you are first and foremost handing over all control and recognizing that God is the one who is control, but you are asking him to take control. In a way, you are showing how much you adore him by giving him everything. You are making yourself humble and fully available to God. You are being completely earnest. You are taking part in the only REAL relationship in your life, one that is so much more than a marriage but that seems to be the best way for us to describe it.
So, here is my challenge to you- be REAL with God. Let it all out and get it off of your chest- hand over all control! After all, he knows it all anyway and is already in control, but your recognition of that will do a world of good for both you and your relationship with God. Plus, you feel better! A little less stress, a little more relief. You can approach your earthly relationships with a bigger smile, and who knows, maybe the REAL approach will slowly start to blend in with these other relationships and that could do some really crazy stuff to strengthen them and make them that much better!
Don’t be afraid to change your ACTS up sometimes… “Anger, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication” aint all that bad really. But never forget the straight forward adoration… that’s always a good thing ;)
Forgive me if this is a re-write of sorts of an old post (honestly I don’t keep track of them, I just write what is on my mind), but I am a huge fan of the being real with God. Yes, he is God and yes, he is just slightly important, but that doesn’t mean that you have to always be loving and happy and the world is perfect with him. Some of my best nights for sleeping have been after I completely unloaded on God, everything that was good and bad, tears, maybe a bit of cursing here and there, and just saying what was really on my mind. Things that you can’t tell to your friends or family, or maybe just don’t even want to say out loud- he knows them all, so why not take advantage of the fact that he is always loving and already knows it, and just finally say it?
Well, the premise of this book is that this girl feels like while God loves everyone, he has deserted her. A lady from church reminds her that her relationship with God is like a marriage, so the main character (Susan, I believe) takes God to marriage counseling. Crazy concept, but very interesting… Well, she sits down with a counselor and personifies God in conversations as she works out what is going on. It get’s brutal at points. I love it.
All of this is a reminder to me to not block out the things that are wrong in life. Every night I try to make a point to pray before I go to sleep and I go through the ACTS thing that I learned growing up (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication) which is very helpful, but where is there room to vent? “God, you are great. I screwed up today. Thanks for everything. Amen.” Really?? How often is that really what you want to say to God? How often is life good enough that you can completely ignore all the crap throughout the day (sorry to be so blunt, but isn’t that what this about?)? I think it does us all some good to completely let go and put it all out there.
Last night, I had a very enjoyable dinner and evening with one of my best friends. We talked about everything, really. However, I am sure I wasn’t the only one that may have held a few things back during parts of the conversation. 2+ hours of being completely open, but not. There are just some things that no one wants to say out loud because we might be ashamed, or maybe it just makes it too real, or maybe it just hurts. While we would like to think that we can be 100% open with our friends, we know that we never are. However, with God, you can be and you should be. Trust me, he can handle it.
So, all this being said, I am sure there are some people that are still saying that you can’t yell at God or be angry with him, you should fear him and never cross that road. This is my response- when you get in an argument with someone, don’t you ask them to change something, or take some action to help you in some way? Don’t you ask for guidance in some way or for forgiveness? So really, by venting and handing it all over to God, you are first and foremost handing over all control and recognizing that God is the one who is control, but you are asking him to take control. In a way, you are showing how much you adore him by giving him everything. You are making yourself humble and fully available to God. You are being completely earnest. You are taking part in the only REAL relationship in your life, one that is so much more than a marriage but that seems to be the best way for us to describe it.
So, here is my challenge to you- be REAL with God. Let it all out and get it off of your chest- hand over all control! After all, he knows it all anyway and is already in control, but your recognition of that will do a world of good for both you and your relationship with God. Plus, you feel better! A little less stress, a little more relief. You can approach your earthly relationships with a bigger smile, and who knows, maybe the REAL approach will slowly start to blend in with these other relationships and that could do some really crazy stuff to strengthen them and make them that much better!
Don’t be afraid to change your ACTS up sometimes… “Anger, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication” aint all that bad really. But never forget the straight forward adoration… that’s always a good thing ;)
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