Worship

Every few weeks I write an update for my church's newsletter. Rather than pushing myself to write something else right now I figured I'd share last month's update... enjoy.

So, rather than giving you a play by play of the semester, I wanted to tell y’all about one of the most influential parts of my experience here at UPSem- worship.

This may sound slightly cliché as this is a Seminary, so worship is to be expected. However, I never expected and have never experienced worship like what occurs here on a daily basis. Every class is opened in prayer, most close with a benediction, and the discussions and lectures that happen between are a whole new kind of worship that I would never expect in a classroom. Beyond that, we are blessed enough to have two additional worship services each week.

Every Wednesday, the UPSem community gathers together in one of our two chapels (the more traditional Watts Chapel, and the more contemporary Lake Chapel) for the main worship service of the week. This service follows the same form as what you might experience each Sunday with hymns, choir anthems, liturgy, a sermon, communion… straight out of the Book of Common Worship. The incredible thing about this is the student participation in all aspects, as well as the changing “theme” as we reach out to all in the community. Just last week we had a Korean service in honor of the Korean elders that were meeting on campus, and the week before we had a technology based service where we tweeted our confessions. It truly is an incredible experience.

On Thursday, we gather together in one of the two chapels for a brief service of music and prayer. These are led by students in the community each week and serve as a nice “re-focusing” point as we get closer to the weekend. I was lucky enough to be able to lead an Iona service a few weeks ago, the first worship service that I have ever led. It was a wonderful gift to be able to look back on my trip to Iona in 2010 and use it in my ministry now.

All of this being said, I have realize now more than ever just how important worship is to our life. In college, I attended church every Sunday and occasionally a bible study during the week. During the rest of the week, it was all too easy to push continuous worship to the back of my mind. Now, everything I do is centered around worshiping God and it has changed my tremendously. I can only pray that each and every one of you will one day experience the power of continuous worship. There are times that I do get distracted, but I am blessed to be in a community that won’t let you stay distracted for long. Even sitting here at my desk, I can’t help but worship God as I look out the window at the rest of campus.

Chasing Sunsets

All my life, I have always been looking for the perfect sunrise/ sunset. There is something absolutely incredible about seeing all those colors in the sky at once. No matter what has been going on that day, what is stressing you out at the moment, or what you really should be doing instead… it can all be wiped away for just a few minutes. I don’t know when my obsession started, but I do remember being upset when I missed a good one or if I did see a good sunset, I would call anyone I could and tell them to go look. The only sad thing was that I saw them maybe once a month if I was really lucky.

Ever since I got to Union, the only reason I have missed a sunset was if I was in a meeting when it happened. Every night, I can turn my chair around to glance at the tv and always end up staring out my window watching the colors appear and then slowly disappear right behind the tower on Early Center. This scene is especially beautiful now that the leaves are off the trees and I have a better view. A lot of times, I will grab my camera and run downstairs to “chase the sunset” and get pictures. The mix of the trees, gorgeous buildings, and gorgeous sunset makes for an incredible picture.

To top off my daily sunsets, now that the leaves are gone, the sun comes into my window a little more than usual every morning. Most of the time I let a few curse words slip and groan and pull the shades just before rolling over with a pillow over my head until my alarm will no longer snooze because I hit it too many times. However, the other day, I was reaching for the blinds when I actually looked out the window instead of complaining. Just behind the trees and library, I saw the most incredible sunrise. Usually I only see the sun rise when I am up way too early and driving to Wilson to be with my sister, so this was a special treat. I wanted to grab my camera but it looked too cold to run outside in my pj’s, so I just laid there and enjoyed it for a few minutes before hopping out of bed 20 minutes before my alarm went off for the first time.

Right now, I am finishing up 12 long weeks of classes. I have over 100 pages to read by Friday, another 100 by next Tuesday, an exam due next Tuesday, and another due next Friday. I have to get new presents to replace some that were messed up. There is packing, cleaning, babysitting, teaching… basically too much for two weeks. Tomorrow I will be a reader in chapel for the first time here, and I am only mildly freaking out about helping with the service at St. Paul’s (the church where I grew up) over break. But even with all of this going on, those few minutes each evening when I can sit and stare out my window, thanking God for such an incredible gift, serve as a reminder of why I am here.

Yes, I am incredibly busy. If you ask anyone on campus if they have a free minute they might break down in tears. But we are all here for a reason. I am called to do something kinda insane with my life, but incredible. I am blessed beyond belief to have the opportunity to follow through with it in such an incredible place, where I get those sunsets I have been chasing all my life, every night.

I find it funny that when I was home everyone’s comment was about how good I looked. I will be the first to say that I am looking the way that I did when I started here. I gained back some of the weight that I lost. I have a few more gray hairs (really). I am constantly tired. But my mom reminded me of the more important thing… I am truly happy.

I blame the sunsets.

I think I got it...

Something I have really been wrestling with and discerning is my call to ministry, especially since it changed. I don't know what it was that hit me over the head tonight, but I think I might need some ice to make the swelling go away. I am so incredibly tired of planning everything out based off of what I think each person needs. I am tired of trying to make sure that everyone is happy and comfy, because quite frankly, religion and faith aint so comfy. I am not called to build up a huge congregation with 50 programs a week and a butt in every empty spot on Sunday morning. I am called to reach out and work beside other Christians in the development of their faith and love of God. I think the biggest problem facing today's church is that we are all so focused and bringing more people in and keeping the church from dieing, that we ignore the people that are already there. We create new programs to get the college students, but deny our older generations. We bring in Alpha and Disciple studies to reach out to the adults in the surrounding community, and forget that we have young children. What looks more appealing to a visitor anyway? A long list of programs led by half-hearted leaders who aren't sure they even believe what they are teaching or a group of strong, faithful people that know, live, and share Christ's love?

Something stands out to me about a conversation I had with an older lady as I filled out her monogramming order one day at work. We were talking about church (exactly what always happened when my customers found out I was going seminary- long lists of involvement, or why they weren't involved, and stories, and complaints...) and what I felt called to (at the time, family and youth). She said that she loved that I had such a passion for ministry and youth, but to please not forget the old ladies of the church. Her concern was genuine, and came from the fact that everyone was always so worried about their (already enormous) youth and young adult program, that the old ladies had been pushed to the side and were fending for themselves. The minister had assumed that they knew everything they needed to know and didn't need formal study and had moved all time and budget down a few generations. I hate that I passed this off when she said it, taking it as just another complaint about church and "they just don't understand", but it keeps coming back and hitting me between the eyes.

So, yes, I am still called to family ministry as I continue to think about it. I am called to minister to the family that is the body of Christ. Old, new, fat, skinny, rich, poor, retired, students, black, white, homosexual, heterosexual, Presbyterian, Baptist, Agnostic, Atheist. I am called to help light the fire in each person, because the surveys and plans and cheap come-ons mean nothing if there is no heart or faith behind it.

This weekend I helped a friend with a lock-in at a very small country church. Rather than leaving as soon as Sunday School started, we stayed for worship... something I dreaded beforehand knowing how tired I was, but really appreciated after. There is something I have noticed about these small churches out in the middle of nowhere (I have been to a few since I got here)... they are the ones that those of us in big cities with big churches would say were dieing. One building, tiny sanctuary that isn't filled, and you can count the youth on two hands most of the time. But they are also the most alive out of any church I have been to in the last few months. I have visited huge churches downtown, medium size neighborhood churches, dieing churches in the historic areas, and these tiny country churches. I have seen long lists of things they do throughout the week, I have watched two and three preachers rotate through the pulpit in one service. I have heard incredible organs and huge choirs, and I have heard out of tune pianos with even worse choirs. Where did I feel the most love, community, and most importantly, faith? The tiny, one pulpit, one preacher, out of tune piano and choir churches.

I had to laugh at myself this summer when I got of the car in a gravel parking lot and walked into a sanctuary where the most dressed up someone was, was a polo and jeans. What was I wearing? My black heels, black pencil skirt, purple knit top, hair neatly pulled back, and perfect makeup. The people in these churches know what is important- community and faith. I went to impress, thinking that my skirt and heels would win them over and they would be begging me to come back and eventually intern... they never once looked at that though. They looked me in the eye and heart, and welcomed me with more love than I have yet to receive at all of the other churches combined.

Now, this isn't me bashing big city churches because that is really where I have ended up. I just think that we can all learn something from these tiny churches who have put the focus on growing in faith and love and then building out through that faith and love, rather than building out so they can build in. I want to focus on the building in.

It has become all to apparent to me lately that I don't know my Bible content. I don't know polity. I really don't know much at all about this whole church thing. As embarrassed as I am about this, I have to say it to make a point- on Sunday, we were studying James in Sunday School. When I couldn't find it, I handed it to my friend saying I hadn't taken Old Testament yet so he could find it (jokingly)... he then turned to the back of the New Testament. I am in seminary and didn't know where James was. James... the brother of Jesus. Why? Because when I was growing up and at the age when I would actually retain what we were learning, the focus seemed to be on doing all the fun stuff... games, outings, retreats, lock-ins... anything and everything but really digging down deep and studying the Bible and what it meant to our faith. When I was really getting into that, the youth group fell apart after and we left the church. At my new church, the focus was using us to get more kids there and grow... not on building our faith and knowledge. So yes, I am 23 years old, in seminary, and don't know where to find certain books in the Bible. Crazy thing? There are probably 60 year olds out there that can't do it either.

SO... yes, I am called to family ministry in the sense that I am called to and plan to serve and minister to and grow with the entire church body. I am called to help all ages and all people study and learn of God's love for each and every one of us. Why should the minister be the only one in the church who can pass a Bible Content exam? Why should a minister be the only one to recognize their call? Why should they be the only one that can tell people of the marvelous things God is doing in their life? We are all ministers and called to do God's work in a multitude of ways. It is my call to help others learn, grow, and discern that call through God's grace, will, and love. That might be with youth for a while, or as a missionary, or in the pulpit, or out on the streets, or in a hospital, or college... who knows. All I know is I am called to serve and minister to ALL people with, through, and in God's love and grace.

Quick procrastination update

I am reaching the end of my procrastination time very quickly and figured I would once again try to write something about what has been going on since it has been so long. Things have really picked up here and I feel like I have been holding on for dear life, however I finally got a chance to breathe this weekend.

I have now survived my first two midterms (other than Greek), my first exegesis paper, and started my pastoral care visits. A few weeks ago I led my first worship service (Iona themed, working with two other incredible people), did my first ministry interview (for Montreat supervised ministry, unfortunately I didn’t get it but I am cool with that), and have now applied to be part of the Ghana travel seminar in January (should hear in the next day or so). I am more sure about this call than I have ever been, and am very sure that I am called to Parish Ministry rather than Family like I had previously written about.

With everything going on with school and discernment, I also find it interesting how my view is slowly changing about what to do when I get out of here as far as parish ministry as I find myself finding other avenues to make Scotland happen again, but not necessarily going to live there for 3-5 years but rather studying in Edinburgh for a year. This is not at all close to being a decision, but rather a new avenue that I didn’t previously know about. However, if the opportunity were to come up and I was called to Scotland, I wouldn’t think twice about saying yes.

It’s funny how your views change once you are able to see things from a new angle. I knew this would happen, but I didn’t think it would be this quick or this extreme. This has already been such an incredible experience and I can’t wait to see what else happens. I now fully understand why I have to do a year of inquiry and why it is while I am in school. If I had my way this summer, I would have been able to say “well, I have been thinking about it for a few years and I am sure” but they were smart enough to make me do this and I couldn’t be more thankful. I have started my candidacy paperwork (in the sense that I downloaded it, looked at it, and freaked out), and see why my friends said to start now so I can get it to them by next summer. There is still a whole lot that I need to be thinking about and talking to others about. I am just glad that I seem to have a grasp on what is actually going on now (since no one really ever told me what to expect with any of this before I got here… except for Greek).

So, there is the quick update on my life here in seminary. My personal life is going well. Unfortunately I had to drop the brass group for a few months because I was over committed and quite frankly when that happens you drop the one that doesn’t pay lol. I have a great babysitting job. Teaching trumpet lessons to beginners (my all-time favorite age for lessons) at a local music store. Loving my friends more and more every day.

Yea, life is pretty good.

Flashback

Tonight was like a flashback for me, and I loved it. I haven missed the excitement of pulling out my concert blacks, picking out just the right jewelry (nothing flashy, but it has to make the black look good... after all this is the rare occasion that the guys get to see me like this and I only get a small amount of enjoyment out of it), and just really glitzing it all up. The stress of going through music before you leave, once you get in the car, and then one more time before you leave the car and head to the hall, all just to make sure you didn’t lose something along the way. Sitting on stage and warming up while continually glancing out in the audience to see who is there, in general, but especially for you. Oh yea… and actually playing the concert! It’s been a year and half since I did that and I was sure that the last time I did, was really the last time. I am so glad it wasn’t.

Playing with RBC has been such a great thing for me since it is really the only playing I do now. It isn’t quite the level that I am used to after playing with the UNCG Wind Ensemble, but for what I am doing now, I’ll take it. Plus, very few things are as much fun as hanging out with a bunch of band directors and hearing their stories… the things that I used to dream about and kinda miss, but am glad I have left behind.

Even better is that my friends here seem to appreciate it and some even came out for the concert tonight. In undergrad, you expected your friends to be there. It was required more or less. Here, it isn’t required. Very few people seem to really pay attention to things like that. Not to mention this has been an insane week for all of us with exams and exegesis. But, nevertheless, a handful of them still came out into downtown Richmond where there is no parking, and sat through the entire thing for me. It feels really good knowing that they don’t mind taking a few hours out of their day to go support me. And really, that goes for all of us in all situations.

With all of the excitement though, I couldn’t help but note that as much as I loved being up there again, it wasn’t me anymore. That isn’t my life. I don’t sit in the hall recording for hours on end, very few rehearsals, even less practicing. Now, it is sitting in my room with commentaries, dictionaries, translations, and syllabi scattered all around me as I work on quizzes and exegetical papers. It’s no longer V6 chords, it’s Greek participles. I’m not writing about William Byrd’s anthems, I am writing about the trinitarian controversy. And it couldn’t be more right.

Tonight was only the third time in all of my playing history that my parents were not at my concert. When you total them up to more than 100, that says something. It hurt a little, but seeing my friends out there and having them serve as a reminder of my new life meant so much. I’m looking forward to the next time I can pull out the concert blacks and simple but elegant jewelry, making sure it matches the trumpet, so that I can go and not so elegantly blare on the low notes. But for now, I am going to enjoy and focus on the exegesis and trinity…

Find me somebody to love

In New Testament today, we were discussing the importance of the relationship between “Historical Jesus” (the guy that we study in seminary) and “Christ of Faith” (the guy we all know and love from church). The best way I could sum up my feelings about the relationship was by comparing them to a friendship- You can be best friends with someone that you have known only a few months and it is great, and they truly are your best friend. However, that friendship is so much more exciting as you start to learn about where they came from and why they are the way they are. We were joking earlier this year that we couldn’t wait to meet one of the guy’s wife because we would get some fun insight into who he really is… and I think that is why you can have the two views of Jesus separate, but they are so much better together.

In talking about this, I started to think about my own friendships. Looking at the two extremities, I have a friend who I have known basically all my life (since 3rd grade) and we have been best friends ever since. I swear we know every last detail about each other, and those we don’t know are that way because we live in two separate states now and that will be remedied when we talk again. On the flip side, I have my friends here (I’ll think about in particular for this). We met back in July before summer language, and by the end of the first night all we knew about each other was that we were both from North Carolina and 1 year apart in age. By the end of the week we were pretty good friends, but I wouldn’t say best friends. By the time we were back for Fall semester, we were best friends. I could tell them anything, and they could tell me anything… and we did. Now, having known each other for only 3 months, we don’t know each others history. We know bits and pieces, but as those bits and pieces come up, it makes our friendship stronger and I have that much more blackmail :) But seriously… that is what I look forward to every day with all of my friends here, finding out where they come from and why they are the way they are.

One of those fun parts of learning about people is finding their quirks. Those things that can either be really annoying, or really fun. I think this is my favorite part of learning about people because the quirks are what make them unique. Even better? When you have known someone for a while, and notice the new quirks that weren’t there before. For me, I just want to get to know them all over again and enjoy the differences, laughing all the way because I know the secrets that others might not know if they were to meet them today.

So here is my challenge… go out and talk to a friend, best friend, or acquaintance. Find out some of their history (not all, that would take way too long and there would be nothing to look forward to!), notice their quirks, and love them that much more :)

My dad asked me this weekend, “You say you love all these people with all of your heart… what is going to happen when you get married? What will be left for your husband?” Before I could respond, my mom answered for me, telling him that your heart can continue to grow to include anyone and everyone that you love. So now, you have no excuse not to go find someone new to love every single day!

A new frame of mind

If I were only cautious of one thing in my life, it would be making decisions and acting on them. In the past I have mentioned my fear of letting others down, and I think that plays a big part in it. However, I think an even bigger part that I tend to ignore is that I don’t want to let myself down or end up hurt. Because of this, I have never taken a decision lightly. When I do end up making big decisions, I keep them to myself for a while just to make sure that it fits. Once I am a bit more comfortable, I will let someone else in, but I am very particular about who that someone is. Eventually, the decision is made public and I let go and enjoy. This has been the case with relationships, school, seminary… everything.

Well, I got thinking recently and started evaluating some decisions I have made since I got here. I wouldn’t say that any of them are bad, but I think some could use a bit of revision. I think this was mainly brought on by my recent discernment about my call (almost ready to write about that), but also actions of those around me. Well, I hit overload between school, extras, and all this thinking, and had to escape the source so I went back to Raleigh.

Funny how you can escape the location, but never the thoughts. When I left, I had a few goals- 1) Relax and enjoy myself, 2) Don’t think about my problems, but rather think about the blessings in my life, 3) Don’t talk to a few certain people.

I think the only thing that actually happened was that I relaxed and enjoyed myself. I was able to visit my sister in Wilson and we took my two beautiful nieces to the park (first time I have been able to really play with them to this extent since they are still very young), visit my grandparents, see my cousin and his wife for a short while, hear my sister’s a capella group, and enjoy some time with all of my siblings. Couldn’t ask for more!

The other two goals? Well the third was cancelled out before I finished packing. Now, let me clarify that one- I didn’t not want to talk to people because of problems or just not liking them, it was more rooted in the fact that I needed to get a clear perspective on some situations that they were part of. If I stayed in constant contact with them, I would still be in my own fantasy world. Even though I did slip up a few times, I think I still came to a solution. Every time I tried to text/call/tweet/facebook (it is insane how many ways we can contact someone now…) them, I found someone else to text/call/tweet/facebook. This led to the realization that I have been trying to confirm for a while which led me to think about MORE stuff (go figure)…

When I came here this summer, I was so excited about EVERYTHING. Nothing could go wrong in my world. Now, I believe that was 95% true. The other 5% is that bit that my dad likes to “make fun of” sometimes- I am so positive that I will tune out anything that isn’t to my liking. Well, I don’t know what that was, but I do know that through my excitement I got really focused on a few things. Now that we are in the fall semester and taking our first exams, I figured it was time to sit down and look at the reality of things to see what was really how I felt and what was from the excitement.

I love my excitement and what it does to me. I love that I took the time to follow through on a few things because of excitement, and I love that I held off on one or two things because I was worried that excitement might get the best of everyone involved and it wouldn’t be genuine. The best part? Now that I know who I am in this incredible community, kinda know what I am doing, and have my incredible groups of friends and traditions already in place, I wasn’t so scared to look at things from my new “grown-up” view point. I’m no longer trying to be included in everything, no longer trying to include everyone else in everything, I know what people think about things and feel comfortable enough to go against that sometimes… basically, I know that I am free to be and am doing it.

A question on my New Testament exam asks a question that is basically, what is the most important thing you have learned in these 4 weeks? Even with everything I have learned in my classes, I think the most important thing I have learned is that is not only time, but it is ok, to relax and be myself. That is a somewhat different self than 6 months ago, and I love that.

Maybe this will lead to some changes in my life… maybe not. All I know, is that now that I am relaxed, refreshed, and in a new frame of mind, I feel like I can take on the world and anything it throws at me. I feel more sure about my call than I ever have, and I know that there is no where else in the world that I would rather be… even Scotland. Everything has a time and place, and for me, this is it. Right here, right now… I belong at UPSem amongst an incredible group of people that I have grown to love so much, studying and learning things that I would never think possible for me, continuing past dreams in new ways, and creating new dreams with new people.

The next step? Get up the courage to follow through with a few things! (That is my other problem with this…)