I am 23 years old. I am student. I may or may not be single. I am a free youth director/ youth Sunday school teacher (see previous identities that make it clear that I would be perfect for the job).
That is what churches see when I walk through the door every Sunday. The only questionable part for the church is my relationship status, when changes in their eyes dependent on if I am with only one guy (who I am obviously in a relationship with and planning a wedding because it is only the two of us at church together… right), or if I am with two guys (obviously we are only friends) or alone (that poor girl…).
What don’t they see??
I am looking for a home away from home. I desperately want to find a group of young adults, similar to me, to hang out with away from my friends at school. I would love to stick around longer than one or two weeks and maybe even get involved in a Sunday School class (PLEASE not youth.. just because I am young doesn’t mean I want to work with youth. Been there, done that… I want adult time now), and if you are lucky/ unlucky (depending on how you think I sound) I might join the choir. I would love to come to a dinner WITH some food to offer rather than just coming empty handed. I want to be part of a bible study that doesn’t exegete every little thing they read. If you ask, I will even be liturgist every now and then. And oh yea… I am serious about this church thing, to the point that I am in seminary.
I have to admit- I was spoiled rotten when I was in college. I was part of an incredible campus ministry and that led me to an incredible church. Granted, I only went so that I could hear my campus minister preach one Sunday but they quickly found a place for me- The next week, I was down in the high school room teaching Sunday school (which I loved at the time because I had only been doing youth work for a year or two). Even though I came to worship alone most of the time, the members of the congregation were eager to talk to me and learn more about me. As the young adult group began to grow, I got sucked in and loved every second of it. That is how I met some of my favorite people and the guy that really helped me through some hard times and decisions about seminary. So, after that experience that gave me a home away from home, I have been brainwashed and think that I can find that here in Richmond.
Don’t get me wrong- I know there has to be a church like that somewhere up here, but I haven’t found it yet. What have I found?
Churches with websites that are hard to navigate or not up-to-date. These websites also include info about every age group EXCEPT young adults. (For a good example of a site that includes young adults, check these out- http://starmountpres.org/young-adult/ and http://www.stpauls.net/?page_id=61 ). Simple, but easy to find and it shows that if you go, there might be someone that you can relate to that isn’t celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
My relationship status really does matter to them. I wasn’t terribly shocked in Ghana when one of the first questions they asked was “are you married?” because quite frankly, as a single girl who doesn’t mind going to church alone, I encounter that every Sunday. Churches want young people who are attached. Why? Because it is free labor. That is something I will battle in ministry as well as long as I am not married. I don’t know how many times this has been proven true- I go to church alone and get ignored (unless the minister says, in the pulpit, “Please make sure to welcome our guests”). In fact, just a few weeks ago I visited a church alone and because there was no one else sitting there yet, a lady behind me threw her coat on my pew. 10 minutes before the service started. What if I had friends coming?? Now, if I go to church with a group or two guys they talk to us, but aren’t nearly as excited as when I go with just one guy. We can sit a mile apart, use our own hymnals, and not even talk a whole lot (to the outside world this means we aren’t together) but the church members are like vultures because obviously here is a young couple that they can get to do all sorts of stuff so the church members don’t have to.
Everyone seems to think that I am just dying to work with their wonderful kids. Now, I am sure they are wonderful because everyone’s kids are perfect angels… especially at church (do you sense the sarcasm there???). However, I have done my time for now. I am not saying that I won’t work with kids again because I know I will and I look forward to it, however I have counseled camps, directed camps, and taught Sunday school since I was in high school. I have only been “retired” for a year… I still need time to recover! I would love to help on occasion, but let me first decide if I want to stick around and then ONLY ON OCCASION.
The fact that I am in seminary draws a crowd. I am so tired of hearing “Oh, Johnny! You have to meet Jordan- she is in seminary!” Whoopdeedoo! Yes. I am in seminary. However, this doesn’t make me any different from any other visitor. It is not an honor that I picked your church today (which I have heard). Please do not call all of your friends over to oo and ah over me. I would rather be ignored if you are going to take it this far. And yes, I have recently stopped mentioning it at all when they ask what I do. I am simply in grad school.
Finding a good church is hard. Like I said, I got very lucky when I was in college. However I think I would rather go out and try to find a great guy at a bar (which if you know me, you know that I am opposed to this) than deal with some of the stuff I have seen in the last 8 months. I still go to church every Sunday and thoroughly enjoy the services for the most part. However, just like when you are dating, the relationship goes beyond dinner and a movie. What happens between? If you don’t talk, or if you feel like you are being stalked you don’t want to stick around- get to know me but please take a hint if I don’t come back or don’t ask questions about you.
Yes, it has been frustrating trying to find a church here. However, I have learned a whole lot. My own experience combined with those of my friends and others that I have talked to have definitely given me some insight to what I would like to make sure happens when I get to a church:
An up-to-date website that welcomes people of all ages.
Welcoming to everyone (visitors should be welcomed like members… don’t draw attention to them but don’t ignore them).
Don’t assume that people are perfect for a job just because of their age.
Make opportunities available for everyone (this doesn’t mean church wide studies or dinners- have a few specific things available for the different groups! We have classes for older generations, men, women, children… include college, young adult, young families…).
Be excited for the visitors and be interested, but don’t elevate any one over the other.
I could keep going, but I need to start working on papers.
This isn’t a post that says “I hate church” because obviously that isn’t how I feel. However, it is frustrating when churches say they welcome all but don’t. I know that it can be hard, especially when people don’t stick around. But maybe they don’t stick around because they don’t feel welcome! Start small- go to lunch after church or host a cook-out. Make it clear who you are reaching out to. Find out what they want from the church and what they want to do for the church. Studies show that those of us in grad school or working will add something else to the schedule if it appeals.
Just something to think about… because even if you aren’t standing in the pulpit on Sunday, you are still a minister and make a huge impression on visitors. Make it a good one so that “maybe I’ll see you next week” as they rush out the door becomes an “absolutely… I can’t wait!” as they stand around and keep talking.
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