I love and hate Pinterest. It is such an amazing way to procrastinate, but that is also the biggest problem with it. HOWEVER, a few good things have come from it- I have great decorating ideas for when I move into Melrose next year, I have enough recipes to cook something different everyday for a few months, and my obsession for quotes is being met quite nicely. Two quotes in particular have stood out to me and are now taped on my computer where I will see them for about 80% of my day.
“You are far too smart to be the only one standing in your way.”
“What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.”
This last month has probably been the most difficult one since I got here last July. The adjustment coming back from Ghana was not terribly hard at first- I just really wanted fish sticks and a hot shower- but as I started dealing with the normal stress and struggles of life here at home, I missed Ghana terribly. Drama with friends, a completely overloaded schedule, and students quitting lessons among other things completely bogged me down.
Coming home from Ghana, I definitely had a beautiful picture of how life would be now that I was a changed woman. Friendships would be stronger after realizing how much we missed each other for those two weeks, I would be so well adjusted to school that class would be a breeze, I would hold onto the “no stress” attitude I had in Ghana, and basically life would be perfect. I blame the anti-malaria meds for these crazy hallucinations! Now, I’m not saying it is bad to dream, because anyone who has ever met me knows that I definitely live in my own dream world, but we can’t go running too far with things that we forget the reality.
Now, that first quote comes into play- “You are far too smart to be the only one standing in your way”. Yep, I think this attitude that comes with the second quote kinda puts me in that “standing in your own way” place. I do that a lot. I think my paper isn’t good enough or my thought isn’t good enough so I keep quiet, I figure I haven’t “earned my place” so I don’t try to play a solo, I’m not as pretty as the girl at the end of the bar so I don’t talk to the guy… we all do it, and my last month has been filled with it.
The challenge that we have to meet is finding the middle ground between the two. DREAM!! It is good for you! Without dreams, we have nothing to strive for and as Carrie Underwood sings, “Thank God even crazy dreams come true”. If I didn’t live in dream world, I wouldn’t be here right now, I wouldn’t have gone to Ghana, I wouldn’t have blown my two trumpet recitals out of the water… our dreams give us the energy and passion needed to push through the trials that life hands us. I always tell my students to stop and close their eyes before they play a single note, even on scales. I want them to think about what the world’s greatest trumpet sounds like (at this point I have also had them listen to the best of the best) and instead of picturing someone else playing that trumpet, they are playing it. Once they have that sound and picture in their head, then they can take that deep breath and play. Sure, it doesn’t always come out sounding great but it does come out sounding a bit better than the last time and continually gets better. We need to have enough dream power to imagine that we are the best of the best, not the guy across the classroom or the girl at the end of the bar or the principle soloist.
However, we need to keep control of our dreams just enough that we know the reality of things. When my students play the world’s worst scale (and yes… I am pretty sure some of them really have at times), I make them stop and first tell me what was great about it, but then we move on and talk about what wasn’t so great and how to fix it. In dancing, this is called spotting. You can spin in circles all day long, but only if you keep your eye on one single part of reality, otherwise it all becomes a blur and you get dizzy and fall down. This control needs to be realistic, though.
Last night, I went over to Watts Chapel to sight-read a piece of music that I have wanted to play since the moment I set foot in the UNCG School of Music. While I was there, I was in constant competition with every other trumpet player, including the grad students (like I said, let your dreams guide you!). However, for every thing I did right, they did two things right in my mind. I kept my confidence up though and when I was away from the building, I really tried to imagine that I was as good, if not better, than they were. Quite honestly, I don’t know that I was too far behind but I was definitely back there. Well, as time went on and the professors kept throwing more curve balls my way, I let them win. I quit practicing like I should, and quite frankly, I lost my love for music. Everything quickly became “do enough to get by” because I was convinced that there was no way I would win the professors over or finally surpass the grad students. My senior recital wasn’t bad by any means, but it wasn’t what I could have done by any means. However, I never even started the 3rd movement of one piece because too many people had already played it and I “knew” that it wouldn’t be nearly as good as theirs. I only did three pieces, where most people would do 4-5, and quite frankly, two of the three were not huge challenges.
But, back to the point. Last night, I finally pulled out the Hummel Concerto and let loose. It has been about two years since my senior recital and last lesson, I finally feel like I am free and allowed to play what I want- and I did. It wasn’t great, but it was sight reading. Listening to the recording that I made, it isn’t at all what I heard when I played it, but that is part of the dream. In my head, I was Maurice Andre playing in a packed concert hall with an orchestra behind me. In the video, I am playing from a pulpit instead of a music stand so I can’t really see the music, I am in a very empty chapel, and there isn’t even piano accompaniment. I look back on the video and hear things that I definitely need to work on, and things that I probably would have glossed over in my final year or two at UNCG. However, if I am ever going to be in a packed concert hall like Maurice Andre, I can’t stand in my own way. I have to be over there every single day, taking the piece measure by measure the way I have my students do it in lessons. Sure, I might never make it to the packed concert hall- that isn’t my focus anymore (now it is the packed sanctuary!), but that doesn’t mean that I can’t close my eyes and imagine myself there every time I pick up that horn.
I think that is why I have started playing so much lately. When I pick up my horn, I am transported to that stage. While I am playing, I forget about the drama, I forget about the papers, I forget about the stress. The most incredible feeling is when I bring that horn down after playing the final part of the Hindemith Sonata, “All Men Must Die”. I have been playing half notes and quarter notes at 40 beats per minute, at all different dynamics, and any quiver in the note ruins the very solemn mood. When the horn comes down after the last C, the breath that I take in is big and deep and refreshing. For that moment, that breath is the only thing that matters and I feel incredible. Trumpet is my escape from reality again.
SO… find your escape, find the place where your dreams come alive. However, hold onto reality just enough that you don’t get completely lost but also, don’t let reality bring you back so much that you let your dreams go. No, life isn’t perfect by any means, but my dream world is more alive than ever lately.
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