What have I learned?

For my 100th post, I decided to sit down and think about what I have learned since I started this blog two years ago. And this is what it boils down to: Life goes on one way or another. There will always be good and there will always be bad. Jumping to conclusions won't make it any better. Rushing things will only frustrate you more. You don't have to have the answer right now so just take a deep breath, look around and take in everything around you, and thank God that you have that.

I say this from experience and with all the love in the world. We are all trying to figure things out. Maybe it is the answer to an exam question. Or what to do over break. Maybe we are trying to figure out how to make the next mortgage payment or keep the electricity on. Some of us might have feelings for someone and not know how to say it. Others might be trying to tell someone that they don’t have feelings anymore. Some are asking how to pack for a two week trip in carry on luggage. Some are wondering how they are going to get through Ords.

We are all in discernment of some kind. Personally? I am trying to discern my call to ministry. I am trying to figure out how best to approach certain people about a variety of things, both good and bad, and all can lead to excitement and relief or a night of tears. I am trying to figure out scholarships. There is too much to keep listing here. However, I have learned that nothing is made better when I assume I know what was meant by the lack of text messages or the wording of the last one, stressing about a paper already turned in, thinking that I can’t do something because someone doesn’t approve… all of that only brings me down. The responses that I have when I jump to all of the assumptions and conclusions might not be best for me. I may end up hurting someone. I need to just wait for the appropriate time, even if that time is months from now. Not necessarily a fun thing when I have already been holding it in for five months.

But you know what? When I look around I see how far I have come. Three years ago, I was completely focused on music and teaching. Two years ago, I had a stack of seminary applications on my coffee table as I debated throwing them in the trash every night and asked Santa if he could help me out with that for Christmas. One year ago, it was scholarship applications and I asked Santa for some money for school. Now, I am here and Santa asked me if I was enjoying it. It has been a long road. There has been a lot of waiting. There were times that I wasn’t sure if I could do it, but the waiting paid off. Now, I look around me and see all of the incredible ways the work paid off- the sunsets I mentioned a few posts ago, the studies, the experiences, and the most incredible friends in the world. So I told Santa that I was loving every second of it.

So yes, I may not know the words to tell my best friend. I may not know exactly what to write on this new stack of papers about my call. I don’t know how those exams are going to turn out. I only pretend to know how to pack for two weeks in Ghana in my carry on luggage. But I do know that this Christmas I have so much more than I could ever ask Santa for.

Santa didn’t just make things happen for me. He asked me what I needed to do to achieve it and if I was doing that (I miss the days as a kid when he didn’t ask such weighty questions!), just like God doesn’t hand things to you but instead gives you the tools you need and promises to stand by you. So as we finally relax and begin to enjoy Christmas and begin to think about the new year, remember to look around and be thankful for all you have been given already and don’t worry so much about the rest. It will all come in time in the way that GOD intends.

I want to leave y’all with two quotes tonight. The first is on a poster hanging in our basement at home… “Lord, grant me patience… but please hurry!”. And from my Grandmother… “God answers all prayers. Sometimes he says yes. Sometimes he says no. And sometimes he says you’ve got to be kidding!”

Merry Christmas, y’all!!

(And yes… I really did have those conversations with Santa. Funny how serious he gets with you when he knows you and your parents!)

Worship

Every few weeks I write an update for my church's newsletter. Rather than pushing myself to write something else right now I figured I'd share last month's update... enjoy.

So, rather than giving you a play by play of the semester, I wanted to tell y’all about one of the most influential parts of my experience here at UPSem- worship.

This may sound slightly cliché as this is a Seminary, so worship is to be expected. However, I never expected and have never experienced worship like what occurs here on a daily basis. Every class is opened in prayer, most close with a benediction, and the discussions and lectures that happen between are a whole new kind of worship that I would never expect in a classroom. Beyond that, we are blessed enough to have two additional worship services each week.

Every Wednesday, the UPSem community gathers together in one of our two chapels (the more traditional Watts Chapel, and the more contemporary Lake Chapel) for the main worship service of the week. This service follows the same form as what you might experience each Sunday with hymns, choir anthems, liturgy, a sermon, communion… straight out of the Book of Common Worship. The incredible thing about this is the student participation in all aspects, as well as the changing “theme” as we reach out to all in the community. Just last week we had a Korean service in honor of the Korean elders that were meeting on campus, and the week before we had a technology based service where we tweeted our confessions. It truly is an incredible experience.

On Thursday, we gather together in one of the two chapels for a brief service of music and prayer. These are led by students in the community each week and serve as a nice “re-focusing” point as we get closer to the weekend. I was lucky enough to be able to lead an Iona service a few weeks ago, the first worship service that I have ever led. It was a wonderful gift to be able to look back on my trip to Iona in 2010 and use it in my ministry now.

All of this being said, I have realize now more than ever just how important worship is to our life. In college, I attended church every Sunday and occasionally a bible study during the week. During the rest of the week, it was all too easy to push continuous worship to the back of my mind. Now, everything I do is centered around worshiping God and it has changed my tremendously. I can only pray that each and every one of you will one day experience the power of continuous worship. There are times that I do get distracted, but I am blessed to be in a community that won’t let you stay distracted for long. Even sitting here at my desk, I can’t help but worship God as I look out the window at the rest of campus.

Chasing Sunsets

All my life, I have always been looking for the perfect sunrise/ sunset. There is something absolutely incredible about seeing all those colors in the sky at once. No matter what has been going on that day, what is stressing you out at the moment, or what you really should be doing instead… it can all be wiped away for just a few minutes. I don’t know when my obsession started, but I do remember being upset when I missed a good one or if I did see a good sunset, I would call anyone I could and tell them to go look. The only sad thing was that I saw them maybe once a month if I was really lucky.

Ever since I got to Union, the only reason I have missed a sunset was if I was in a meeting when it happened. Every night, I can turn my chair around to glance at the tv and always end up staring out my window watching the colors appear and then slowly disappear right behind the tower on Early Center. This scene is especially beautiful now that the leaves are off the trees and I have a better view. A lot of times, I will grab my camera and run downstairs to “chase the sunset” and get pictures. The mix of the trees, gorgeous buildings, and gorgeous sunset makes for an incredible picture.

To top off my daily sunsets, now that the leaves are gone, the sun comes into my window a little more than usual every morning. Most of the time I let a few curse words slip and groan and pull the shades just before rolling over with a pillow over my head until my alarm will no longer snooze because I hit it too many times. However, the other day, I was reaching for the blinds when I actually looked out the window instead of complaining. Just behind the trees and library, I saw the most incredible sunrise. Usually I only see the sun rise when I am up way too early and driving to Wilson to be with my sister, so this was a special treat. I wanted to grab my camera but it looked too cold to run outside in my pj’s, so I just laid there and enjoyed it for a few minutes before hopping out of bed 20 minutes before my alarm went off for the first time.

Right now, I am finishing up 12 long weeks of classes. I have over 100 pages to read by Friday, another 100 by next Tuesday, an exam due next Tuesday, and another due next Friday. I have to get new presents to replace some that were messed up. There is packing, cleaning, babysitting, teaching… basically too much for two weeks. Tomorrow I will be a reader in chapel for the first time here, and I am only mildly freaking out about helping with the service at St. Paul’s (the church where I grew up) over break. But even with all of this going on, those few minutes each evening when I can sit and stare out my window, thanking God for such an incredible gift, serve as a reminder of why I am here.

Yes, I am incredibly busy. If you ask anyone on campus if they have a free minute they might break down in tears. But we are all here for a reason. I am called to do something kinda insane with my life, but incredible. I am blessed beyond belief to have the opportunity to follow through with it in such an incredible place, where I get those sunsets I have been chasing all my life, every night.

I find it funny that when I was home everyone’s comment was about how good I looked. I will be the first to say that I am looking the way that I did when I started here. I gained back some of the weight that I lost. I have a few more gray hairs (really). I am constantly tired. But my mom reminded me of the more important thing… I am truly happy.

I blame the sunsets.