Eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later) I am going to be painting both my bedroom and my sister's in prep for us to switch rooms. Since I am moving home after graduation so that I don't have to pay rent in Greensboro for 6 months while I sit around, Mom decided that it would be a good idea for me to be in the big bedroom again so that I can have my space and room for all of my stuff. My lack of job and anything exciting to do in Raleigh led me to start packing up all of my stuff today to make things a bit easier. My room went from "cluttered" to bare in all of an hour. I got thinking during all of this though, and there is a whole lot of history and memories sit in my bathroom hallway in cardboard boxes.
I filled boxes with books, pictures, horses, and other random things. Some I have read once, others I have read 10 times. Then the yearbooks from highschool and all of the notes in them... "friends forever", "good luck", "cant wait to see you with a symphony"... Then the posters came down, and all of the band pictures and awards... You really relearn a lot about yourself when you pack your life up. For me, I was THE band geek who loved horses (but only rode once), and everything about my room showed that.
That was then though, and this is now. I started thinking about what I will actually keep out once I unpack all of it in a few days. Will all of the band pictures and awards go out again? Most likely not. The horses? Absolutely. The posters from Music Ed conferences? Nope. Miles Davis? Maybe. Prom stuff? Probably not. In a way it hurts packing all of this up, but I also know it will always be there when I want to dig it out again to look at and remember.
I have to laugh at the thought process though... as I look for a new comforter set and paint color, I keep telling my sister I want it to be "adult". I want to leave the bright, fun colors behind and have something a bit more down to earth and modest. Part of me feels like it is because I am scared to let everything go and don't know exactly what will be next, so I originally picked white, the "safe" color. She vetoed that though. What does it really matter how my room looks though, as long as it is what I want?
I am noticing that a lot though as I begin to make my transition out of college. I am throwing away the old music theory notebooks and opening space on the shelf for all kinds of devotional books, bibles, and other resources to begin digging through as I get ready for seminary. I am packing up some of the old pictures from high school to put pictures from college in their place. I am finding a safe box for my corsages to be put in so that there is "free" space and less clutter.
I held onto so much for so long, thinking it was what kept me rooted in who I really was. If I could look at the picture of me and Andy, with my "boyfriend" bear right next to it, I would remember all of the fun we had and somehow that would make me have fun now. Or the pictures from the show choir trip to NYC... I never talk to them anymore and couldn't even tell you their names, but I still felt it was important to hold on to so I could see it when I came home.
It is hard to admit that the world is changing around you, and even harder to jump on and change with it. Sometimes it is ok to leave those pictures out to look at, but other times it is also ok to put them in storage for a while so you can put new memories out that are more relevant to where you are. High school was great, marching band was my life, but that was 5 years ago and in another world basically. I know that if I take the steps to move into my new life, God will be with me and make it a bit easier. That is really all we need to remember in life, as long as we are willing to take a step forward, he will be there to hold our hands or even carry us when need be.
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