Standards

I think its interesting what we tend to do to ourselves when something good happens. Everyone has their own standards for themselves... but what is more interesting is our reactions when we don't meet those standards. Here is my own example- I did really well on my first student teaching observation and felt great about everything, but yesterday when I still did well, I didn't do as well. I was annoyed, ticked off, angry, and just plain upset. The thing is, I still did really well and my grade really isn't affected at all, but it was the fact that I didn't meet my own standard.

We are all so hard on ourselves about everything. We feel that we have to be perfect to make others happy, and if we aren't perfect than we aren't happy for ourselves. Here is what I remembered last night though when I finally let go of the anger and tried to figure out exactly why I was so upset...

WE set the standards for ourselves. NOT God and NOT Jesus. They love us no matter what with an unconditional love that a B instead of an A can't change. They only want us to be happy and to live for them, but WE are the ones that put all of the roadblocks in the way that keep us from being happy. We surround ourselves with the people that will put pressure on us to always meet the standards, or will set them for us, when we should surround ourselves with the people who love us exactly as we are and don't need us to meet some standard for that love to stay constant.

I was telling myself that I just wanted to know that I did my absolute best and that I could really do this teaching thing, that I wasn't "leaving" it because I wasn't good but because I really felt called to something else. Here is the thing though- I do my absolute best every single day and I know that I can teach well. I DO feel called to a ministry that DOES incorporate teaching so I am not running away at all, but rather putting a new spin on it. Even better, I know that NO MATTER WHAT, I am loved unconditionally by the one who matters most.

Just an early morning thought... now go out and have a great day, and don't worry if not everything goes your way!

Almost there...

My cap and gown (while still in plastic) are hanging in my closet.
My taskstream portfolio is almost complete.
The apartment is gradually emptying as I throw out the trash I have accumulated over the last year and a half.
My room in Raleigh is almost ready.
We are well on our way in the cleaning process of concert music.
I have gone before and been endorsed by session to begin the inquirer process.


It is finally that time, after 22 years of waiting. I am less than two months away from graduation. So what is next? Who knows. I have put in applications for substitute teaching, I have thought about just teaching lessons, and I have thought about just taking it easy for a few months. Either way, I am finally almost out of here.

It is crazy to see this chapter of my life come to a close in what seems like a whirlwind at this point. I keep finding myself think back to freshman year when I was able to stay up til 3am and wake up at 6am and my concerns revolved around boys and finding a practice room. Now, I go to bed at 10pm at the latest and my concerns are finishing taskstream and writing papers between completing lesson plans and figuring out how to fix my student's problems. Now, it does help that I do have an incredible boyfriend so the whole "boys" concern has disappeared... but it still wouldn't be a focus at this point. It is scary how your priorities change over 4 years in college.

The only thing I do know about what is next is that it will be awesome. I have 6 months between graduation from UNCG and starting class at Union PS to do "whatever" I want. I have 6 months to get life in order before I take a 180-turn and begin seminary after completing two music degrees. I have 6 months to focus on my personal devotions, searches, and discernment before I go back to doing the studying and reading for someone else. Why do I have the feeling that those 6 months will be life changing?? Other than the not so exciting fact of moving back to live with my parents (I love that I will be close to my family, but I am 22 and don't want to be watched all the time).

Lots to think about and get excited about, but also lots to keep a focus on for now. One thing is for sure... 4 1/2 years of work are all wrapping up before my eyes.

The future of our church...

Teenagers and church- this is something I have always been interested in, hence the whole family ministry thing. Recently, my pastor did a sermon that addressed some scare statistics regarding this topic...

More than 1/2 of teens that claim Christianity actually practice it.
Of those that are Christians, lots have a "watered down" faith that looks at God as more of a psychiatrist.
Most teenagers can't talk coherently about their faith.

My question is this- WHY???

When I was in middle school and high school I never thought of NOT going to church unless there was an extreme circumstance. This is both good and bad though because we don't want our children to feel like they HAVE to be at church, but rather they should WANT to be at church. I always looked forward to spending my Sunday's at church and lived for the retreats. Was I the odd one out or have things drastically changed?

Unfortunately I think it is the later. I remember all of the kids rushing to call the one missing person so Sunday School would be complete, or competing to see what church could bring more youth to a retreat. Now it is like pulling teeth to get them to show up for food on Sunday morning, but why?

We are fighting video games, the internet, and even worse... the "cool factor". You can include the games and internet in discussion... I do all the time, but what about that "cool factor"?

It used to be completely ok to wear a cross necklace or WWJD bracelet but dress codes are limiting to one piece of jewelry... so they choose the silly bands. We loved talking about youth group and comparing what we did every week. After working in public schools for internships and now student teaching, I rarely see or hear anything regarding faith, and when I do it is kept very quiet and is usually from a parent. Even my Sunday School students admit that they rarely talk about their beliefs at school.

Is it the church chasing them away or is it society? I think it is both. Society is changing but the church isn't with it. The church is so afraid of changing that we are losing our future as the teenagers run in the other direction. But how do we keep them? I have offered breakfast, facebook, treats, video games, movies... but I have realized it isn't about what we give them, but what we let them give the church.

Teenagers are excited, full of energy and ideas- ideas that could really give the church as a whole, a new face. Too many times we dismiss these ideas because the teenagers are "too young" or "don't understand". However if we take time to LISTEN to them rather than talk AT them, we would learn differently. There are new ideas floating around teenagers today and they might surprise us.

As humans we have a need to be needed. NEWSFLASH: Teenagers are humans as well. So ask them what they would like to do. Don't just have the act as elders because you need youth representatives, but let them know that their opinions are valued. If they feel needed, chances are they will come back, and may even bring a friend to see what are doing, leading to a chain reaction of teenage involvement and EXCITEMENT!

Listen... don't just talk.

What If Jesus Meant All That Stuff?

Everything I have said in my past posts, everything I could hope to say in future posts. I have a huge amount of respect for Shane Claiborne and what he does with his life. I could never do something to that extreme, but he has had an influence on my life and made me live just a bit more extreme than I used to.

Everyone- please read this. Think about it. Maybe see what you can do to try to change this image, or look past this image that Christians so often give, and look at the true foundation of the religion... Jesus Christ.

What If Jesus Meant All That Stuff?

No overthinking tonight

So this post isn't some over-thought question or soap box. Tonight, I am going to take one last moment to have an ego before I crush it and get focused again.

Two weeks ago I started down the last leg of my undergrad journey- student teaching. I was just a little scared and nervous and not at all sure what to expect. Sure, my friends have student taught, and I have even heard the discussion on the teacher end since Andrew had a student teacher last year, but I still had no idea what to expect. But thankfully I was welcomed in right away by an incredible teacher and pretty alright kids.

The last two weeks have really opened my eyes to what I am leaving behind by moving to Richmond, but also made me a little more sure of it. I am not gonna lie, I have come home some days wondering what it would be like to drop all paperwork, make one quick phone call, and begin the job search but then I start to think about how I would feel doing this every day for the rest of my life compared to going into ministry. I partially blame my OSTE for even putting the idea in my head to actually teach (even if only for a few years).

Note: This is when my ego explodes for a minute. I apologize in advance.

Basically, I seem to be doing pretty alright with my student teaching. My OSTE has had me teaching full classes since day 3 of school and has had nothing but good things to say. The kids have responded well and respect me as a real teacher, not some college student coming in to teach for a semester. All classes are making progress and sound great. Ok... I have learned to be excited about all of this and let it go, but tonight was the cherry on the cake. Tonight was our first Band Boosters meeting of the year so of course I was introduced again... and the introduction went like this...

"I am incredibly excited to have Ms. Buck as my student intern. She is a student at UNCG and will graduate with not one, but two music degrees in December. I always say student teaching is more of a formality and it couldn't be more true with her. She has been ready for a job since day 1 and is teaching the students more than I am at this point..."

Yea. I was just a little blown away and EXCITED to hear that, especially since my first observation will be this Friday afternoon. I know that I am going to have some band moments and I am as prepared as I can be for them thanks to my OSTE, but it does help to hear that you are doing well from the very start :D

Ok. Ego moment over. Time to end this and get some lesson plans done. That bad moment? Yea, fully expecting that tomorrow when I do my first beginning woodwinds lesson.

Hearing God's "Still small voice"... Would love feedback!

Tonight I finally got to return one of my favorite, and most important parts of the month- Guinness and the Good News. For those of you not familiar with it, this is a "bible study" (I use that term very loosely) for young adults during which we sit around and enjoy each others company while discussing various topics about our faith. Tonight's topic got me thinking a whole lot, and I still am. I will definitely do another post later with the thoughts that I finally "settle" on, but I would love some feed back from y'all. The feedback isn't just to hear the various responses, but it is also somewhat selfish on my part as I look for ways that work for me during my time of discernment as an Inquirer (or Pre-Inq. right now).

So, here is the question- How do you make out what is your voice and what is God's voice?

Take this question however, and please answer. I honestly don't think there is any ONE answer to this seeing that we all go about our faith differently. So, comment away! (Please!)

Why do we watch the conductor?

Tomorrow marks the end of my first week of student teaching and it has gone very well so far. Every day we are supposed to put an "essential question" on the board for the students to think about (and answer if we remember to bring it up). Today's question was "Why do we watch the conductor?". This question came about after all kinds of problems in every class with students not watching myself and my OSTE and therefor running into all kinds of problems throughout the music and making class a lot less fun as we got more and more frustrated with the students. It got me thinking though...

Why do we watch the conductor in music? To keep tempo, to see dynamics, for expression instructions... the list goes on. The conductor is the one leading the band, and supposedly they are the one that will always be there as a constant when things fall apart in the music. Kind of like God (don't tell any conductor that though!).

God is our conductor. He gives us our life's tempo, leads us in our expressions and dynamics. When things get tough and start to fall apart, we run to God asking and praying for help in various forms. But just like any band (especially excited middle schoolers), we get full of ourselves and our abilities and we tend to take our eyes off of the conductor, putting our focus on ourselves, all too often. Maybe we just figured out a problem/ rhythm on our own, or found our pure tone and niche... but is it really on our own?

The conductor may not always be right there to fix every problem (or so it seems), but they give us the tools to do so from day one. The last two days I have been providing the very basic tools to my 6th graders as I teach basic music theory. "This is a staff, this is a treble clef, this is a quarter note..." By teaching this to my students, I am providing them with the tools they need to work out complicated parts later on when we move on to harder music. They may not think of these first few days as being the source of the solutions, but how often do we think back to that time on the cross or the afternoon on the hillside with thousands of hungry people as the solution to our problems?

So, why do we watch the conductor? Because God is the source of life- he leads us through the troubled times, even putting down the baton and clapping out the tempo for the times when we can't see but maybe we can hear. He helps us to learn how to express ourselves and our love, he leads us through the dynamic ups and downs of life, celebrating with us when it is done correctly and we are excited, and working with us when it isn't quite right.

The best part about OUR conductor? If we can't always watch, he is always there beating in tempo with our lives waiting for our eyes and ready to assist as soon as we need it.