I think its interesting what we tend to do to ourselves when something good happens. Everyone has their own standards for themselves... but what is more interesting is our reactions when we don't meet those standards. Here is my own example- I did really well on my first student teaching observation and felt great about everything, but yesterday when I still did well, I didn't do as well. I was annoyed, ticked off, angry, and just plain upset. The thing is, I still did really well and my grade really isn't affected at all, but it was the fact that I didn't meet my own standard.
We are all so hard on ourselves about everything. We feel that we have to be perfect to make others happy, and if we aren't perfect than we aren't happy for ourselves. Here is what I remembered last night though when I finally let go of the anger and tried to figure out exactly why I was so upset...
WE set the standards for ourselves. NOT God and NOT Jesus. They love us no matter what with an unconditional love that a B instead of an A can't change. They only want us to be happy and to live for them, but WE are the ones that put all of the roadblocks in the way that keep us from being happy. We surround ourselves with the people that will put pressure on us to always meet the standards, or will set them for us, when we should surround ourselves with the people who love us exactly as we are and don't need us to meet some standard for that love to stay constant.
I was telling myself that I just wanted to know that I did my absolute best and that I could really do this teaching thing, that I wasn't "leaving" it because I wasn't good but because I really felt called to something else. Here is the thing though- I do my absolute best every single day and I know that I can teach well. I DO feel called to a ministry that DOES incorporate teaching so I am not running away at all, but rather putting a new spin on it. Even better, I know that NO MATTER WHAT, I am loved unconditionally by the one who matters most.
Just an early morning thought... now go out and have a great day, and don't worry if not everything goes your way!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Almost there...
My cap and gown (while still in plastic) are hanging in my closet.
My taskstream portfolio is almost complete.
The apartment is gradually emptying as I throw out the trash I have accumulated over the last year and a half.
My room in Raleigh is almost ready.
We are well on our way in the cleaning process of concert music.
I have gone before and been endorsed by session to begin the inquirer process.
It is finally that time, after 22 years of waiting. I am less than two months away from graduation. So what is next? Who knows. I have put in applications for substitute teaching, I have thought about just teaching lessons, and I have thought about just taking it easy for a few months. Either way, I am finally almost out of here.
It is crazy to see this chapter of my life come to a close in what seems like a whirlwind at this point. I keep finding myself think back to freshman year when I was able to stay up til 3am and wake up at 6am and my concerns revolved around boys and finding a practice room. Now, I go to bed at 10pm at the latest and my concerns are finishing taskstream and writing papers between completing lesson plans and figuring out how to fix my student's problems. Now, it does help that I do have an incredible boyfriend so the whole "boys" concern has disappeared... but it still wouldn't be a focus at this point. It is scary how your priorities change over 4 years in college.
The only thing I do know about what is next is that it will be awesome. I have 6 months between graduation from UNCG and starting class at Union PS to do "whatever" I want. I have 6 months to get life in order before I take a 180-turn and begin seminary after completing two music degrees. I have 6 months to focus on my personal devotions, searches, and discernment before I go back to doing the studying and reading for someone else. Why do I have the feeling that those 6 months will be life changing?? Other than the not so exciting fact of moving back to live with my parents (I love that I will be close to my family, but I am 22 and don't want to be watched all the time).
Lots to think about and get excited about, but also lots to keep a focus on for now. One thing is for sure... 4 1/2 years of work are all wrapping up before my eyes.
My taskstream portfolio is almost complete.
The apartment is gradually emptying as I throw out the trash I have accumulated over the last year and a half.
My room in Raleigh is almost ready.
We are well on our way in the cleaning process of concert music.
I have gone before and been endorsed by session to begin the inquirer process.
It is finally that time, after 22 years of waiting. I am less than two months away from graduation. So what is next? Who knows. I have put in applications for substitute teaching, I have thought about just teaching lessons, and I have thought about just taking it easy for a few months. Either way, I am finally almost out of here.
It is crazy to see this chapter of my life come to a close in what seems like a whirlwind at this point. I keep finding myself think back to freshman year when I was able to stay up til 3am and wake up at 6am and my concerns revolved around boys and finding a practice room. Now, I go to bed at 10pm at the latest and my concerns are finishing taskstream and writing papers between completing lesson plans and figuring out how to fix my student's problems. Now, it does help that I do have an incredible boyfriend so the whole "boys" concern has disappeared... but it still wouldn't be a focus at this point. It is scary how your priorities change over 4 years in college.
The only thing I do know about what is next is that it will be awesome. I have 6 months between graduation from UNCG and starting class at Union PS to do "whatever" I want. I have 6 months to get life in order before I take a 180-turn and begin seminary after completing two music degrees. I have 6 months to focus on my personal devotions, searches, and discernment before I go back to doing the studying and reading for someone else. Why do I have the feeling that those 6 months will be life changing?? Other than the not so exciting fact of moving back to live with my parents (I love that I will be close to my family, but I am 22 and don't want to be watched all the time).
Lots to think about and get excited about, but also lots to keep a focus on for now. One thing is for sure... 4 1/2 years of work are all wrapping up before my eyes.
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